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The  Funny  Bone 


THE  FUNNY  BONE 

SHORT  STORIES  AND  AMUSING 
ANECDOTES  FOR  A  DULL  HOUR 


EDITED     AND   ARRANGED   BY 
HENRY  MARTYN  KIEFFER 

Author  of    "The  Recollections  of  a 
Drummer  Boy,"  "it  is  to  Laugh,"  etc. 


NEW  YORK  :  :  :  DODGE 
PUBLISHING  COMPANY 
214-220  East  23d  Street 


Copyright,       i  g  i  o  ,       by 
DODGE  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 


The  F\mng  Bone 


CONTENTS 

Page 

A  good  after-dinner  speech 16 

Afternoon   teas      174 

Alexander 46 

Almost  won  the  bet 23 

Any  port  in  a  storm 34 

Artemus  Ward  at  the  theatre 159 

Awful  lot  of  practice,  an 136 

Axioms      14 

Bashful  bridegroom,  a      84 

Boo! 96 

Boomerang  stories      113 

Brandied  peaches 63 

Business  boy,  a  promising      117 

Chief  end  of  man,  the     173 

Clerical  corkscrew,  a 172 

College  trick,  a     31 

Colored  apostles 94 

Costly  dodge,  a 164 

Couldn't  catch  up 47 

Couldn't  help  crying 164 

Cranky  couple,  a 69 

Cure  for  snoring,  sure     78 

5 


2075350 


The  Funng  Bone 


Page 

Deacon  balked,  the     180 

Delirious 136 

Difference  without  distinction,  a 176 

Disturbing  the  solemnity 49 

Doing  the  dons 187 

"Dollars  to  doughnuts" 66 

Dutch  conundrum,  a 91 

Eccentric  great  man,  an 138 

Echo,  the 54 

Epitaphs,  interesting 170 

Exeunt  omnes 187 

Extremes   meet     60 

Farm  accidents     98 

Fast  train,  a 167 

Finally  the  worm  turned 126 

Fire  screen,  a 62 

First   class      144 

Flank  movement,  a xoa 

Fool  according  to  his  folly,  a 47 

Forbidden  fruit,  the 107 

Getting  a  wife      155 

"God  bless  our  home"     26 

Go  to  father 169 

Good  ear,  a 178 

Great  country,  a 97 

Hard  witness,  a 118 

He  cut  it  short zoo 

He  didn't  get  it  in  the  neck 117 

He  warned  her 90 

6 


The  Funng  Bone 


Page 

How  the  young  idea  shoots 58 

How  to  catch  a  mule 58 

Ill-assorted  couple 41 

Impossible,   but   funny      120 

Incorrigible      91 

Inquisitive  boy,  an     26 

In  search  of  a  restaurant 76 

In  the  class-room 74 

In  the  way  they  should  go 147 

It  wouldn't  work 151 

Keen  cutters 108 

Keeping  a  secret 149 

Kickin',  a 85 

Knight  errant,  a 165 

Knightly  conundrum,  a 176 

Laughed  it  out  of  court 57 

Left-handed  compliments 139 

Lincoln  story,  a 18 

Lincoln  story,  another     19 

Lionized 56 

Literature  made  easy 77 

Logic  is  logic 55 

Logic  of  grammar,  the 135 

Lonely  place,  a 103 

Louder       29 

Mean  company,  a 131 

Michael  Maloney's  serenade 15 

Millinerymania       136 

"Mounted?"     64 

7 


The  Funng  Bone 


Page 

Names  for  the  twins 59 

Naming  the  apostles 109 

Near  the  end  of  his  journey 95 

Not  good  looking 101 

No  thoroughfare 148 

No  water  in  his 128 

"Old  Hoss!" 48 

Old   Man   Snuckles     76 

On  the  point  of  a  needle 154 

One  place  or  the  other 28 

Other  eye,  the       149 

Part  in  the  play,  his 172 

Pepper-sauce 27 

Poor  business  location,  a , .     . .  81 

Poor,  the 36 

Prayer  that  was  answered,  a 25 

Price  of  a  dog,  the      104 

Protecting  the  minister 182 

Punishment  made  sure     83 

Pure  Scotch 124 

Rabbits    enough 94 

Raising  Cain 129 

Rear  guard,  the 112 

Rest  and  a  change,  a 140 

Right-of-way,  the 179 

Rough  on  the  deacon 93 

Rural  justice 121 

Same  old  kind,  the     141 

Sanctum,  the 156 

8 


The  Funny  Bone 


Page 

Sharp  reproof,  a 150 

Sharpening  their  wits 41 

She  came  to  his  aid 161 

She  dried  up 20 

Shrewd   selection,  a 177 

Shy  boarder,  the 176 

Slow  coach,  a 168 

SnolKgoster,  the 39 

So  many  bald  heads 70 

She  spoiled  the  poetry 171 

Strongest  man,  the     42 

Stutterers,    the      44 

Sudden  rise,  a      48 

Sure  thing,  a 133 

Tact  and  no  tact 52 

Tale  of  a  sausage,  a 82 

Technique 51 

Temperance   a   hundred  years   ago 37 

Thackeray  and  the  oyster 166 

That  terrible   infant 22 

Three  asses,  the 73 

Timely  answer,  a 21 

Too  young      80 

Tough  goose-yarn,  a 142 

Turkey  was   tame,  the     112 

Two  polite  and  spunky  boys 67 

Unanimous  action 174 

Use  of  riches 24 

Very  good  investment,  a 34 

9 


The  Funng  Bone 


Page 

Walla  Walla! 183 

What  the  statute  did  not  say 17 

"Who'd  'a'  bin  'er?" 147 

Why  he  was  a  democrat ia5 

Why  the  Hawkeye  man  couldn't  pay 105 

Why  they  married     42 

Wicked  parrot,  the     185 

Wind  and  water 72 

Wonderful  climate,  a 99 

Yankees,   the—     38 


10 


"Laugh  and  grow  fat  is  a  saying  of 

old, 
Whether    or    no    'tis    a    cause    of 

obesity, 
This  much  I  know  that  the  physical 

man 
Laughter  demands   as   a    kind    of 

necessity. 

Ha,  ha,  ha !    Ha,  ha,  ha ! 
Laughter    demands    as   a    kind    of 

necessity." 

— Old  Song. 


AXIOMS 
Tew  brake  a  mule— commence  at  his  head. 

In  shooting  at  a  deer  that  looks  like  a  calf, 
always  aim  so  as  to  miss  it  if  it  iz  a  calf,  and  to 
hit  it  if  it  iz  a  deer. 

Tew  git  rid  of  cock-roaches — sell  yure  house, 
and  lot,  and  flee  tew  the  mountains. 

Tew  pick  out  a  good  husband — shut  up  both 
eyes,  grab  hard,  and  trust  in  the  Lord. 

There  ain't  nothing  that  iz  a  sure  kure  for 
laziness,  but  i  hav  known  a  second  wife  tew 
hurry  it  sum. 

Josh  Billings  Allmin&x, 


The  Funng  Bone 


Michael  Maloney's 
Serenade 

Oh,  Nora  McCune! 
Is  it  draimin'  ye  are? 

Is  it  wakin'  or  shleepin'  ye  be? 
'Tis  the  dark  of  the  moon 
An'  there's  niver  a  star 

To  watch  if  ye're  peepin*  at  me. 
Throw  opin  yer  blind,  shweet  love,  if  ye're 

there; 

An'  if  ye  are  not,  plaze  be  shpakin'; 
An'  if  ye're  inclined,  ye  might  bring  yer  guitah, 
An'  help  me,  me  darlint  to  wakin'. 

I  am  lonely!  Ahone! 
An'  I'm  Michael  Maloney, 

Awakin'  shweet  Nora  McCune. 
For,  love,  I'm  alone, 
An'  here's  Larrie  Mahoney, 

An'  Dinnis  O'Rouk  an'  Muldoon. 
I've  brought  them  to  jine  in  the  song  I'll  be 

singin'; 
For,  Nora,  shweet  Nora  McCune, 

15 


The  Funny  Bone 


Ye've  shtarted  me  heart-strings  so  loudly  to 

ringin', 
One  person  can't  carry  the  chune! 

But  don't  be  unaisy, 
Me  darlint,  for  fear 

Our  saicrit  of  love  should  be  tould. 
Mahoney  is  crazy, 
An'  Dinnis  can't  hear; 

Muldoon  is  struck  dum  wid  a  could. 
Their  backs  are  all  facin'  the  window,  me  dear ; 
An*  they've  shworn  by  the  horn  of  the  moon 
That  niver  a  note  of  me  song  will  they  hear 
That  refers  to  shweet  Nora  McCune. 

A  GOOD  AFTER-DINNER  SPEECH 

It  was  his  first  banquet,  and  they  were  mak- 
ing speeches.  Everybody  was  being  called  on 
for  a  speech,  and  he  was  in  mortal  terror,  for 
he  had  never  made  a  speech  in  his  life.  An  old- 
timer  at  his  side  cruelly  suggested  that  he  "get 
under  the  table — or  say  a  prayer."  His  name 
was  called  and  he  got  up  with  fear  and  trem- 
bling, and  said : 

"My  friends,  I  never  made  a  speech  in  all  my 
16 


The  Funng  Bone 


life,  and  I'm  just  scared  nearly  to  death.  A 
friend  here  beside  me  has  suggested  two 
things  for  me  to  do — to  get  under  the  table,  or 
to  pray.  Well,  I  couldn't  get  under  the  table 
without  observation,  and  now  that  I  am  on  my 
feet,  I  can't  think  of  any  other  prayer  to  say 
except  one  that  I  used  to  hear  my  sister  Mary 
say  in  the  morning  when  mother  called  us — 
"O  Lord,  how  I  do  hate  to  get  up!" 


WHAT  THE  STATUTE  DID  NOT  SAY 

When  Benjamin  F.  Butler  lived  in  Lowell, 
Massachusetts,  he  had  a  little  black-and-tan 
dog.  One  morning,  as  he  was  coming  down 
the  street,  followed  by  the  dog,  a  policeman 
stopped  him  and  told  him  that,  in  accordance 
with  an  ordinance  just  passed,  he  must  muzzle 
the  dog. 

"Very  well,"  said  Butler. 

Next  morning  he  came  along  with  the  dog, 
and  the  policeman  again  told  him  of  the  muz- 
zling ordinance  and  requested  him  to  muzzle 
the  dog. 

"All  right,"  snorted  Butler.     "It  is  a  fool 


'he  Funng  Bone 


ordinance,  but  I'll  muzzle  him.  Let  me 
pass." 

Next  morning  the  policeman  was  on  the 
lookout.  "I  beg  your  pardon,  General,"  he 
said,  "but  I  must  arrest  you.  Your  dog  is  not 
muzzled." 

"Not  muzzled?"  shouted  Butler.  "Not  muz- 
zled? Well,  look  at  him." 

The  policeman  looked  more  carefully  at  the 
dog  and  found  a  tiny,  toy  muzzle  tied  to  its 
tail. 

"General,"  he  expostulated,  "this  dog  is  not 
properly  muzzled. 

"Yes,  he  is,  sir,"  asserted  Butler.  "Yes,  he 
is.  I  have  examined  that  idiotic  statute  and  I 
find  it  says  that  every  dog  must  wear  a  muzzle. 
It  doesn't  say  where  the  dog  shall  wear  the 
muzzle,  and  I  choose  to  decorate  the  tail  of 
my  dog  instead  of  the  head  with  this  infernal 
contraption." 

A  LINCOLN  STORY 

"One  day,"  said  General  Howard,  "Mr.  Lin- 
coln saw  Senator  Fessenden   coming  toward 
his  office  room.    Mr.  Fessenden  had  received 
18 


The  Funny  Bone 


the  promise  of  some  appointment  in  Maine  for 
one  of  his  constituents.  The  case  had  been 
overlooked.  As  soon  as  Mr.  Lincoln  caught 
sight  of  the  Senator  he  saw  he  was  angry,  and 
called  out:  'Say,  Fessenden,  aren't  you  an 
Episcopalian?'  Mr.  Fessenden,  somewhat 
taken  aback,  answered,  'Yes,  I  belong  to  that 
persuasion,  Mr.  President.'  Mr.  Lincoln  then 
said,  'I  thought  so.  You  swear  so  much  like 
Seward.  Seward  is  an  Episcopalian.  But,  you 
ought  to  hear  Stanton  swear.  He  can  beat  you 
both.  He  is  a  Presbyterian.' " 


ANOTHER  LINCOLN  STORY 

Some  one  once  called  on  President  Lincoln 
during  the  war  to  suggest  some  change  of 

command  for  General  B ,who  did  not  seem 

to  do  well  as  a  commander  anywhere.  "Well," 

said  Mr.  Lincoln,  "that's  so.     General  B 

doesn't  fit  in  well  anywhere.  He  reminds  me 
of  an  experience  I  once  had  with  a  piece  of 
iron  I  found  while  at  work  in  the  woods.  I 
thought  it  would  make  a  good  axe-head,  and 
took  it  to  a  blacksmith.  'Yes,'  said  he,  'it'll 

19 


The  Funng  Bone 


make  a  good  axe.'  So  he  put  it  into  the  fire, 
made  it  red-hot  and  pounded  away  on  it  on  his 
anvil.  After  hammering  it  a  good  while,  he 
stopped  and  said,  'No,  it  won't  make  an  axe, 
but  I  tell  you,  it'll  make  a  mighty  good  clevis.' 
So  I  told  him  to  make  a  clevis  out  of  it.  Then 
he  heated  it  again,  and  again  pounded  away 
at  it  a  great  while,  and  then  stopped  and  looked 
at  it  and  said,  'No,  it  won't  make  a  clevis 
neither.  But,  said  he,  holding  it  red-hot  in  his 
pincers  over  his  tub  of  water,  'I'll  tell  you  what 
it  will  make.  It  will  make  a  blame'  good  fizzle.' 
And  here  he  dropped  it  into  the  tub — and  it 
fizzled." 

SHE  DRIED  UP 

The  occupants  of  a  Pullman  sleeper  were 
diligently  trying  to  get  some  rest,  but  could 
not.  There  was  a  very  thirsty  woman  in  one 
of  the  berths  who  kept  the  whole  car  awake  by 
her  perpetual  song  of — "Oh,  I  am  so  dry.  I 
am  so  dry.  My,  but  I  am  dry.  Dear  me,  what 
shall  I  do?  I  am  so  dry." 

"Hello,  Porter!"  at  last  sang  out  a  gentle- 
man across  the  way,  "For  Heaven's  sake  give 
20 


The  Funnu  Bone 


that  woman  some  ice  water,  and  plenty  of  it. 
I  want  to  get  some  sleep." 

The  Porter  brought  a  glass  of  water.  He 
brought  a  second  glass.  She  drank  them  both 
— and  took  up  her  song  afresh — 

"My,  but  I  was  dry.  I  was  so  dry.  I  never 
was  so  dry  in  all  my  life.  Dear  me,  but  I  was 
dry." 

"Oh,  Great  Scott,  woman,"  sang  out  the  man 
across  the  way,  "dry  up,  and  let  me  sleep !" 

A  TIMELY  ANSWER 

In  the  good  old  days  of  the  rod  of  birch  a 
Philadelphia  school  teacher  was  very  partial  to 
one  of  his  boys,  and  very  severe  to  another. 
One  day  they  were  both  tardy.  Rod  in  hand 
he  called  them  both  up  on  the  floor.  "James, 
my  boy,"  said  he  to  the  favorite  regretfully,  but 
kindly,  "why  were  you  late  to-day?"  "You 
see,  sir,"  replied  James,  "I  was  asleep,  sir,  and 
I  dreamed  I  was  going  to  California,  and  I  was 
down  on  the  wharf,  and  I  thought  the  school- 
bell  was  the  bell  of  the  steamboat."  "That 
will  do,  my  boy,"  said  the  teacher,  glad  of  an 
excuse  to  shield  his  favorite,  "always  tell  the 

21 


The  Funng  Bone 


truth,  my  boy.  And  now,  sir,"  said  he  to  the 
other  sternly,  "and  where  were  you?"  "You, 
see,  sir,"  said  the  other  candidly,  "I  was  down 
on  the  wharf  waitin'  to  see  Jim  off !" 


THAT  TERRIBLE  INFANT 

Annie  had  a  beau.  She  also  had  a  small 
brother  of  the  proverbially  troublesome  age  of 
five.  One  day  at  the  dinner  table  they  were 
teasing  Annie  about  Mr.  Love  joy — that  was 
the  beau's  name — and  Annie  declared  that  she 
didn't  like  him  one  bit,  and  said  moreover  that 
Mr.  Lovejoy  "had  a  soft  spot  in  his  head." 
That  called  off  the  dogs,  for  a  time  at  least,  but 
her  brother  Bobbie  took  note. 

The  next  evening  Mr.  Lovejoy  called  to  see 
Annie.  They  were  both  in  the  parlor.  He  was 
sitting  on  the  sofa,  and  she  occupied  a  chair  on 
the  other  side  of  the  room.  Bobbie  strolled 
into  the  room,  climbed  up  on  the  sofa  and  be- 
gan a  very  diligent  examination  of  Mr.  Love- 
joy's  head.  He  felt  all  over  it,  and  looked  puz- 
zled. Mr.  Lovejoy  was  puzzled  likewise,  and 
at  length  said,  "Why,  Bobbie,  what  are  you  ex- 
22 


The  Funng  Bone 


amining  my  head  for?  Are  you  studying 
phrenology?"  "No,"  said  the  boy,  "Sister  An- 
nie says  you  have  a  soft  spot  on  your  head 
somewhere,  and  I  was  just  trying  to  find  it!" 
They  made  it  up  somehow,  and  Mr.  Lovejoy 
began  to  call  again,  evidently  with  better  re- 
sults. For,  one  rainy  day  the  father  of  the 
household  was  looking  everywhere  in  the  hall 
for  his  umbrella.  "Where's  my  umbrella,  An- 
nie?" asked  he.  "I  believe  somebody  has  car- 
ried it  off."  And  Bobbie  said,  "Annie's  beau 
stole  it."  And  Annie  said,  "Bobbie !  how  dare 
you  say  such  a  thing  of  Mr.  Lovejoy?"  And 
Bobbie  said,  "I  know  he  did,  because  when  he 
was  giving  you  good-night  at  the  hat-rack  last 
night,  I  heard  him  say  as  plain  as  could  be, 
"I'm  going  to  steal  just  one!" 

ALMOST  WON  THE  BET 

Two  Irish  hod-carriers  were  arguing  about 
their  ability  to  carry  their  hods  safely  to  the 
top  of  a  high  building.  One  said  he  could  carry 
a  tumbler  of  water  on  top  of  his  load  without 
spilling  a  drop.  And  Pat  said,  "Ach !  a  tumbler 
23 


The  Funny  Bone 


of  water !  Why,  Mike,  I  could  carry  you  in  my 
hod  to  the  top  of  this  ten-story  buildin'  with- 
out spillin'  you."  And  Mike  said,  "I  bet  you 
tin  dollars  you  can't."  "Done !"  said  Pat.  "Get 
into  my  hod." 

Mike  got  in,  and  up  Pat  went  quickly  and 
safely  until  he  came  to  the  sixth  floor,  when 
all  of  a  sudden  his  foot  slipped  off  the  rung  of 
the  ladder  and  his  hod  pitched,  threatening  to 
deposit  its  cargo  on  the  sidewalk  seventy-five 
feet  below.  But  with  a  mighty  effort  he 
steadied  himself,  grasped  his  hod  tight  and 
proceeded  to  the  top  safely,  where  he  deposited 
Mike  on  the  floor  of  the  scaffolding  with, 
"There,  Mike,  I've  won  the  bet.  Out  wid  yer 
tin  dollars."  "Sure,  ye  did,  Pat,"  said  Mike, 
"the  tin  is  yours,  but  whin  ye  got  to  the  sixth 
flure,  an'  stoombled — be  gob,  I  thought  I  had 
ye!" 

THE  USE  OF  RICHES 

In  a  sleeping  car  one  morning  not  long  ago  a 

Vermont  man  was  accosted  by  his  neighbor 

opposite,  who  was  putting  on  his  shoes,  with 

the   inquiry:     "My   friend,   allow  me   to   in- 

24 


The  Funny  Bone 

quire,  are  you  a  rich  man?"  The  Vermonter 
looked  astonished,  but  answered  the  pleasant- 
faced,  tired-looking  gentleman  with  a  "Yes,  I 
am  tolerably  rich."  A  pause  occurred,  and 
then  came  another  question,  "How  rich  are 
you?"  He  answered,  "Oh — about  seven  or 
eight  hundred  thousand.  Why?"  "Well,"  said 
the  weary-looking  old  man,  "if  I  were  as  rich 
as  you  say  you  are,  and  went  traveling,  and 
snored  as  loud  as  I  know  you  do,  I'd  hire  a 
whole  sleeper  all  for  myself  every  time  I  went 
traveling." 


A  PRAYER  THAT  WAS  ANSWERED 

An  old  darkey  who  was  asked  if  in  his  experi- 
ence prayer  was  ever  answered,  replied: 
"Well,  sah,  some  pra'rs  is  ansud  an'  some  isn't 
— 'pends  on  what  yo'  asks  fo'?  Jest  arter  de 
wah,  w'en  it  was  mighty  hard  scratchin'  fo'  de 
cullud  brudren,  I  'bsarved  dat  w'enebber  I 
pway  de  Lo'd  to  sen'  one  o'  Massa  Peyton's 
fat  turkeys  fo'  de  ole  man,  dere  was  no  notice 
took  o'  de  partition;  but — w'en  I  pway  dat  he 
would  sen'  de  ole  man  fo'  de  turkey,  de  ting 

25 


The  Funny  Bone 


was  'tended  to  befo'  sunup  nex'  mornin'  dead 
sartain." 

GOD  BLESS  OUR  HOME 

A  lonely  traveler  on  horseback,  riding 
through  a  dreary  section  of  the  far  West, 
eagerly  scanned  the  horizon  for  some  signs  of 
a  human  habitation.  At  last  away  in  the  dis- 
tance he  spied  a  cabin,  put  his  horse  to  a  trot, 
only  to  find  the  house  deserted.  Nailed  on  the 
front  door  was  a  sheet  of  paper  on  which  he 
read  the  following  pathetic  story : 

Five  miles  from  water. 

Ten  miles  from  timber. 

A  hundred  miles  from  a  neighbor. 

A  hundred  and  fifty  miles  from  a  post  office. 

Two  hundred  and  fifty  from  a  railroad. 

God  bless  our  home! 

We  have  gone  East  to  spend  the  winter  with 
my  wife's  folks. 

AN  INQUISITIVE  BOY 

Bobbie  was  taken  to   church  for  the  first 
time,  and  his  dear  Aunt  Lou,  who  took  him 
there,  "just  wondered  how  he  would  behave." 
26 


The  Funng  Bone 


She  soon  discovered,  for  Bobbie  was  no  sooner 
seated  in  the  pew  than  he  observed  a  very 
bald-headed  man  two  seats  to  the  front,  and 
exclaimed  in  a  loud  whisper  which  set  every- 
body smiling,  "Oh,  Aunt  Lou!  there's  a  man 
with  a  skinned  head!"  Aunt  Lou's  face  was 
crimson,  and  she  shook  him,  but  it  did  little 
good,  for  when  the  minister  took  his  place  in 
the  chancel,  the  boy  remarked,  "Another  man 
with  a  skinned  head!"  Things  were  getting 
uncomfortable,  and  reached  their  climax  when 
the  boy,  seeing  the  choir  up  in  the  gallery, 
called  out,  "Oh,  Aunt  Lou !  what  are  all  those 
people  doing  up  there  on  the  mantel-piece?" 


PEPPER-SAUCE 

Once  upon  a  time  there  was  a  minister,  a 
very  orthodox  man,  and  he  was  very  fond  of 
pepper-sauce,  and  he  liked  it  piping  hot,  the 
very  strongest  kind  on  the  market.  Distrust- 
ing that  furnished  by  the  hotels,  he  always 
carried  with  him  on  his  travels  a  bottle  of  his 
favorite  brand.  One  day  as  he  was  seated  at 
the  dinner  table  of  a  hotel,  a  man  on  the  other 
27 


The  Funny  Bone 

side  of  the  table  asked  him  to  "please  pass  the 
pepper-sauce."  "Certainly,"  said  he,  "with 
pleasure.  This  bottle  is  my  own  private  prop- 
erty, I  always  carry  it  with  me.  I  think  you 
will  find  it  very  good."  The  man  helped  him- 
self freely,  and  when  he  had  got  done  coughing 
and  had  recovered  enough  breath  to  enable 
him  to  speak,  he  said :  "Pardon  me,  sir.  I  believe 
you  are  a  preacher?"  "Yes,  that  is  my  calling 
in  life."  "An  orthodox  preacher,  I  presume?" 
"Yes,  sir."  "And  you  really  believe  in  hell- 
fire?"  "Yes — I  feel  it  my  duty  to  warn  the  in- 
penitent  of  their  danger."  "And  you  do  preach 
and  believe  in  a  literal  hell-fire?"  "I  cannot 
do  otherwise  with  the  Scriptures  before  me." 
"Well" — said  the  man,  "I  have  met  a  good 
many  preachers  in  my  time  who  believe  and 
preach  just  as  you  do,  sir,  but  I  must  say  I 
never  before  met  a  man  who  carries  his  sam- 
ples with  him." 


ONE  PLACE  OR  THE  OTHER 

"When  I  get  to  heaven,"  said  Brown,  as  he 
laid  down  the  book  he  had  been  reading — 
28 


The  Funng  Bone 


"when  I  get  to  heaven,  the  very  first  person 
I  want  to  see  will  be  Shakespeare." 

"And  what  do  you  want  to  see  Shakespeare 
for?"  inquired  his  wife. 

"Why,  I  just  want  to  ask  him  whether  he 
wrote  his  own  plays,  or  whether  he  got  some 
one  else  to  write  them  for  him,  and  have  this 
question  settled." 

"Well,  but" — objected  his  wife,  "how  do  you 
know  he'll  be  there  ?  Not  all  people  will  get  to 
heaven." 

"That's  so,  that's  so,"  said  Brown  medita- 
tively. "Well,  I'll  tell  you  what  we'll  do — if 
he  isn't  there,  then  suppose  you  ask  him?" 


"LOUDER!" 

At  a  criminal  trial  both  judge  and  counsel 
had  a  deal  of  trouble  to  make  the  timid  wit- 
nesses speak  loud  enough  to  be  heard  by  the 
jury,  and  it  is  possible  that  the  temper  of  the 
counsel  may  thereby  have  been  turned  from 
the  even  tenor  of  its  way.  After  this  gentle- 
man had  gone  through  the  various  stages  of 
bar  pleading,  and  had  coaxed,  threatened  and 
29 


The  Funny  Bone 


even  bullied  the  witnesses,  there  was  called 
into  the  box  a  young  hostler  who  appeared  to 
be  simplicity  itself. 

"Now,  sir,"  said  the  counsel,  in  a  tone  that 
would  at  any  other  time  have  been  denounced 
as  vulgarly  loud,  "I  hope  we  shall  have  no  dif- 
ficulty in  making  you  speak  out." 

"I  hope  not,  sir,"  was  shouted,  or  rather  bel- 
lowed out,  by  the  witness  in  tones  which  al- 
most shook  the  building,  and  would  certainly 
have  alarmed  any  timid  or  nervous  person. 

"How  dare  you  speak  in  that  way,  sir?"  de- 
manded the  counsel. 

"Please,  sir,  I  can't  speak  no  louder,"  roared 
the  perplexed  witness,  evidently  thinking  that 
fault  was  found  with  him  for  speaking  too 
softly. 

"Pray,  have  you  been  drinking  this 
morning?"  shouted  the  counsel,  who  had 
now  thoroughly  lost  the  last  remnant  of  his 
temper. 

"Yes,  sir,"  was  the  stentorian  reply. 
"And  what  have  you  been  drinking?" 
"Corfee,  sir." 

"And  what  did  you  have  in  your  coffee?" 
30 


The  Funng  Bone 


"A  spune,  sir,"  bawled  the  witness  in  his 
highest  key  amidst  the  roars  of  the  court. 

A  COLLEGE  TRICK 

It  occurred  in  an  Ohio  college,  in  the  early 
days  when  the  small  college  was  struggling 
for  an  existence,  and  the  students  were  strug- 
gling for  an  education.  Many  of  the  boys  were 
very  poor,  and  had  to  board  themselves,  doing 
all  their  cooking,  sleeping  and  studying  in  the 
same  room.  To  economize  space  they  were 
used  to  keep  their  little  store  of  groceries  and 
provisions  under  the  bed,  and  the  bed  was  of 
the  old  bed-cord  kind.  The  two  particular 
boys  of  whom  we  write,  for  some  reason  or 
other,  at  this  particular  time,  had  a  pan  full  of 
molasses  under  the  bed. 

Boys  will  be  boys,  poor  as  well  as  rich,  and 
college  boys  the  world  over  are  full  of  all  man- 
ner of  tricks.  These  two  chaps  had  concocted 
a  very  neat  little  scheme  for  getting  on  to  the 
nerves  of  Professor  John,  who  had  charge  of 
the  building  in  which  they  were  domiciled. 
For  days  and  days  they  had  been  secretly  car- 
rying a  lot  of  stones  up  into  their  room  and 


The  Funng  Bone 


depositing  them  in  an  empty  barrel.  When 
the  barrel  was  full,  the  trick  was  ready  to  be 
pulled  off  just  at  bedtime,  the  trick  consisting 
of  simply  rolling  the  barrel  to  the  top  of  the 
corkscrew  staircase,  and  letting  her  go  Galla- 
gher, when  the  perpetrators  would  skip  to 
their  room  hard  by,  dive  into  bed  and  be  sound 
asleep  before  Professor  John  could  say  Jack 
Robinson. 

But — Professor  John  knew  about  all  the  pos- 
sible combinations  of  the  college  boy,  and 
could  smell  a  hatching  trick  a  mile  away. 
Knowing  that  something  was  in  the  air,  he  had 
quietly  stationed  himself  in  a  dark  niche  in  the 
wall  at  the  head  of  the  staircase,  and  was 
watching  the  two  night-begowned  boys  as  they 
tugged  with  all  their  strength  at  the  heavy 
barrel  of  stones,  gently  rolling  it  to  the  top  of 
the  stairs.  "Don't  make  a  noise,"  hoarsely 
whispered  the  one  who  was  bossing  the  job," 
and  don't  let  her  go  till  all  is  ready  and  I  give 
the  word." 

When  all  was  about  ready  to  heave  away, 
out  stepped  Professor  John  with  a  terrible 
"What's— all— this!" 

32 


The  Funnu  Bone 

Away  went  the  boys  pell-mell  to  their  room. 
They  tried  to  slam  the  door  shut,  but  the  Pro- 
fessor's foot  got  there  first,  and  they  dived  into 
bed. 

But  alas!  there  had  been  a  trick  within  a 
trick.  Some  one  had  cut  the  bed-cords !  And 
as  the  two  went  down  to  the  floor,  one  pitifully 
called  out  "Oh — we're  in  the  molasses!" 

Professor  John  knew  what  that  meant.  He 
leaned  up  against  the  wall  and  laughed  till  he 
cried.  "Let  them  go,  poor  fellows,"  he  said, 
as  he  went  to  his  room,  "they  have  been  pun- 
ished enough.'"' 


ANY  PORT  IN  A  STORM 

In  a  lecture  on  Carlyle,  Moncure  D.  Conway 
related  how  the  great  writer  was  interviewed 
one  morning  by  a  very  rough  man  in  his 
neighborhood.  A  great  revival  being  in  prog- 
ress in  the  vicinity,  this  man,  well  known  as  a 
very  rough  and  profane  fellow,  had  been  at- 
tending the  meetings  and  was  "under  convic- 
tion," as  the  phrase  went.  Thinking  that  per- 
haps Mr.  Carlyle  might  be  able  to  give  him 

33 


The  Funng  Bone 


some  good  and  godly  advice,  he  made  a  morn- 
ing call  on  the  celebrated  writer,  who  unfortu- 
nately was  just  then  enduring  a  most  grievous 
attack  of  dyspepsia. 

"Good  morning,  Mr.  Carlyle,"  said  the  man. 

"Morning,"  growled  Carlyle. 

"Mr.  Carlyle,"  said  he,  "I  have  come  to  see 
you  this  morning  about  my  soul " 

"And  what  has  gone  wrong  with  your  soul, 
then?"  interrupted  the  man  of  letters. 

"Why,  Mr.  Carlyle,  I've  been  such  an  awful 
bad  man  that  I'm  afraid,  if  I  were  to  die,  I'd  go 
straight  to  hell." 

"Very  likely,"  was  the  prompt  answer. 
"Very  likely  indeed.  And,  what  is  more — you 
may  be  very  thankful  you  have  a  hell  to  go  to, 
too." 


A  VERY  GOOD   INVESTMENT 

"Now,  James,"  said  a  business  man  to  his 
ten-year-old  boy,  "you  are  going  to  be  a  busi- 
ness man,  and  it  is  time  that  we  should  begin 
to  give  you  some  practical  lessons  in  the  art 
and  science  of  investing  money.  Here's  a  half 

34 


The  Funnu  Bone 


dollar.  You  take  it  and  go  down  town  and 
invest  it  on  your  own  hook  and  to  the  best 
advantage.  I  don't  care  where  you  put  it  in, 
only  so  you  put  it  where  it  will  be  safe  and 
where  you  will  get  a  good  interest  for  your 
money." 

The  boy  took  the  silver  and  started  off.  In 
an  hour  he  returned,  reporting  that  he  had 
made  a  good  investment,  and  was  going  to 
get  a  hundred  per  cent,  interest. 

"Splendid!"  said  the  admiring  father. 
"Where  did  you  put  it  in?" 

"Well,"  said  the  boy,  "I  went  down  town 
and  walked  around  a  while,  wondering  where 
I  should  find  a  good  place,  and  by  and  by  I 
came  by  a  church,  and  there  was  a  meeting,  and 
they  were  singing,  and  I  went  in.  It  was  a 
missionary  meeting,  and  the  man  was  begging 
money  for  Missions,  and  he  said  if  you  gave 
him  your  money  why  the  Lord  would  send  it 
back  to  you  doubled — He  would  pay  you  a 
hundred  per  cent." 

"I  hope,"  expostulated  his  father,  "you  didn't 
put  that  half  dollar  on  the  collection  plate?" 

"Yes,  I  did,  father,"  said  the  boy,  "and  the 

35 


The  Funny  Bone 


man  he  said  that  the  Lord  is  a  good  paymaster 
and  that  He'd  send  it  back  doubled." 

"And  you  believed  him!  O  pshaw,  I'm  ut- 
terly disappointed  in  you,  James.  You'll  never 
make  a  business  man.  The  idea  of  your  be- 
lieving such  stuff  like  that.  Why,  that  half 
dollar — you'll  never  see  it  again,  and  that  man 
— why,  he's  nothing  but  a  fakir.  O  well — 
pshaw!  I'll  give  you  another  chance,  and  see 
that  you  do  better  this  time.  Here's  a  dollar. 
Now  you  steer  clear  of  all  churches  and  mis- 
sionary meetings  this  time " 

"Why,  father !"  exclaimed  the  boy  as  he  took 
the  dollar,  "why,  that  man  was  right  after  all. 
The  Lord  did  send  my  half  dollar  back,  and 
sooner  than  I  looked  for  it — and  doubled,  too!" 

THE  POOR 

Josh  Billings  concluded  his  celebrated  lec- 
ture on  "Milk"  with  these  memorable  words — 
"Remember  the  poor.  It  costs  nothing." 

A  town  meeting  had  been  called  to  devise 
ways  and  means  to  provide  for  the  poor  of  the 
community.  After  many  speeches  had  been 

36 


The  Funny  Bone 


made,  and  many  recommendations  offered,  and 
much  time  wasted  and  nothing  done,  a  benevo- 
lent German  arose  in  the  back  part  of  the  hall 
and  said: 

"Mister  Chairman,  I  move,  before  we  ad- 
journ, we  all  shtand  oop  undt  gif  three  cheers 
for  de  poor!" 

TEMPERANCE  A  HUNDRED  YEARS 
AGO 

The  first  Temperance  Society  organized  in 
this  country,  in  the  year  1808,  provided  that 
"No  member  shall  be  intoxicated  under  a  pen- 
alty of  fifty  cents,  and  no  member  shall  ask 
another  person  to  take  a  drink  under  a  penalty 
of  twenty-five  cents." 

There  was  a  Temperance  Society  in  the 
State  of  Maine,  prior  to  the  year  1825,  which 
had  the  following  remarkable  plank  in  its  plat- 
form: "If  any  member  of  this  Society  shall 
get  drunk,  he  shall  be  obliged  to  stand  treat 
for  the  whole  Society  all  round !" 

A  hundred  years  ago  the  virtues  of  rum  were 
set  forth  in  an  English  publication  after  the 
following  fashion: 

37 


The  Funng  Bone 


"It  sloweth  age,  it  strengtheneth  youth,  it 
helpeth  digestion,  it  cutteth  phlegme,  it  aban- 
doneth  melancholy,  it  relisheth  the  heart,  it 
lighteneth  the  mind,  it  quickeneth  the  spirits, 
it  cureth  the  hydupsia,  it  healeth  the  stran- 
gurie,  it  pounceth  the  stone,  it  expelleth  the 
gravel,  it  puffeth  away  ventosity;  it  keepeth 
and  preserveth  the  head  from  whirling,  the 
tongue  from  lisping,  the  mouth  from  snaffling, 
the  teeth  from  chattering  and  the  throat  from 
rattling.  It  keepeth  the  weasen  from  stiffling, 
the  stomach  from  wambling  and  the  heart 
from  swelling.  It  keepeth  the  hands  from 
shivering,  the  sinews  from  shrinking,  the  veins 
from  crumbling,  the  bones  from  aching,  and 
the  marrow  from  soaking." 

"THE YANKEES" 

When  Sherman's  army  was  making  its  great 
march  through  Georgia  the  colored  people 
were,  of  course,  very  much  excited  over  the 
news  of  the  approach  of  the  Northern  army. 
They  had  very  little  idea  of  what  Northern  sol- 
diers looked  like,  but  had  commonly  heard 
them  spoken  of  as  "the  dam  Yankees."  In  a 

38 


The  Funny  Bone 


certain  part  of  Georgia,  when  they  heard  of  the 
approach  of  the  great  army,  the  darkies  held 
a  prayer-meeting,  and  one  old  fellow  prayed — 
"O  Lawd,  bress  Massa  Linkum,  an'  bress 
Gin'l  Sherman.  O  Lawd,  he's  one  o'  us.  He 
got  a  white  skin,  but  he  got  a  black  heart,  he 
one  o'  us.  An',  O  Lawd,  bress  all  dem  dam 
Yankees!" 


THE  SNOLLIGOSTER 

A  circus  came  to  town  down  in  Kentucky. 
The  tents  were  set  up  and  the  cages  put  in,  and 
the  people  gathered  about  to  look.  "There, 
ladies  and  gentlemen,"  shouted  the  barker,  "is 
the  Royal  Lion,  the  king  of  beasts.  He  can 
whip  any  other  animal  in  the  world." 

"He  kin,  kin  he?"  queried  a  gawky  Ken- 
tuckian.  "I'll  bet  you  five  dollars  I  have  an 
animal  at  home  that'll  lick  him  the  very  first 
round." 

"Can't  take  your  bet,"  said  the  barker.  "Too 
little  money.  Couldn't  think  of  letting  him 
fight  for  five  dollars,  but  I'll  take  a  bet  of 
twenty-five  dollars." 

39 


The  Funny  Bone 

"I  ain't  got  that  much,"  said  Kentuck,  "but 
I'll  borrow  it  of  my  friends,  an'  we'll  have  a 
fight." 

The  bystanders  made  up  the  money,  and 
the  stakes  were  duly  put  up.  Kentuck  went  to 
his  home,  and  by  and  by  returned  with  a  bag 
over  his  shoulder. 

"What  you  got  in  that  bag?"  asked  the 
showman. 

"A  snolligoster,"  answered  Kentuck. 

"A  snolligoster?    What's  that?  Let's  see  it." 

"No,  you  don't,"  answered  Kentuck.  "You 
open  the  top  of  your  cage  and  I'll  put  my  ani- 
mile  in,  the  money's  put  up,  you  know." 

So  the  cage  was  opened  and  Kentuck 
climbed  up  to  the  hole  in  the  top  and,  opening 
his  bag,  shook  out  of  it  a  big  snapping  turtle. 
The  turtle  stood  on  the  defensive.  The  lion 
came  up  to  smell  him.  He  took  only  one  smell, 
gave  a  yell  of  pain  and  retired  to  his  corner  to 
howl  the  snapper  loose  if  he  could. 

"Take  him  off,"  yelled  the  showman. 

"Take  him  off  yerself,  if  ye  want  to,"  said 
Kentuck.  "The  fightin's  just  commenced. 
First  blood  for  my  snolligoster." 

40 


The  Funny  Bone 

SHARPENING  THEIR  WITS 

Two  human  Whetstones  met  on  the  street. 

"Queer,  isn't  it?" 

"What's  queer?" 

"The  night  falls " 

"Yes." 

" but  it  doesn't  break." 

"No." 

"And  the  day  breaks " 

"Yes." 

"But  it  doesn't  fall?" 

"No — but  it's  getting  very  warm." 

"Yes,  it  is." 

"There  would  be  a  big  thaw  but  for  one 
thing " 

"And  what's  that?" 

"There's  nothing  froze." 

And  they  parted. 

AN  ILL-ASSORTED  COUPLE 

A  missionary  in  the  Far  West,  residing  near 
an  Indian  reservation,  relates  how  one  day 
there  came  to  his  house  an  Indian  and  a  squaw 
wishing  to  "get  married  white  man's  way." 


The  Funny  Bone 


Everything  being  in  order  they  were  duly 
made  man  and  wife  according  to  the  service  of 
the  Church.  "I  was  a  little  apprehensive,"  said 
the  minister,  laughing,  "that  it  might  not  turn 
out  well  with  them.  They  had  such  queer 
names.  His  name  was  'Little  Red  Horse,'  and 
hers  was  'Jane-kick-a-hole-in-the-sky." 

THE  STRONGEST  MAN 

"Who  was  the  strongest  man?"  asked  the 
Sunday-school  teacher.  One  boy  said  "Sam- 
son, cause  he  choked  a  lion  to  death."  "Naw," 
said  another  boy,  "g'wan,  it  wasn't  Samson. 
It  was  Jonah,  'cause  a  whale  couldn't  keep  him 
down." 

WHY  THEY  MARRIED 

Postal  cards  having  been  sent  out  to  all  the 
married  men  in  a  certain  town  in  Western 
New  York  carrying  the  question,  "Why  did 
you  marry?"  the  following  are  some  of  the  an- 
swers returned: 

"That's  what  I've  been  trying  for  eleven 
years  to  find  out." 

42 


The  Funng  Bone 


"Married  to  get  even  with  her  mother — but 
never  have." 

"Was  freckle-faced  and  thought  it  was  my 
last  chance.  I've  found  out,  however,  that 
freckles  ain't  near  as  bad  as  henspeck." 

"Because  I  was  too  lazy  to  work." 

"Because  Sarah  told  me  that  five  other 
young  fellows  had  proposed  to  her.  Lucky 
dogs!" 

"The  old  man  thought  eight  years  courtin' 
was  long  enough." 

"I  was  lonesome  and  melancholy,  and 
wanted  some  one  to  make  me  lively.  N.  B. 
She  makes  me  lively,  you  bet!" 

"I  was  tired  of  buying  ice  cream  and  candies 
and  going  to  theatres  and  church,  and  wanted 
a  rest.  Have  saved  money." 

"Please  don't  stir  me  up !" 

"Because  I  thought  she  was  one  among  a 
thousand;  now  I  sometimes  think  she  is  a 
thousand  among  one." 

"Because  I  did  not  then  have  the  experience 
I  now  have." 

"The  Governor  was  going  to  give  me  his 
foot,  so  I  took  his  daughter's  hand." 

43 


The  Funng  Bone 


"I  thought  it  would  be  cheaper  than  a 
breach-of-promise  suit." 

"That's  the  same  fool  question  all  my  friends 
and  neighbors  ask." 

"Because  I  had  more  money  than  I  knew 
what  to  do  with.  And  now  I  have  more  to  do 
with  than  I  have  money." 

"I  wanted  a  companion  of  the  opposite  sex. 
P.  S.  She  is  still  opposite." 

"Don't  mention  it!" 

"Had  difficulty  in  unlocking  the  door  at 
night,  and  wanted  somebody  in  the  house  to 
let  me  in." 

"Because  it  is  just  my  luck." 

"I  didn't  intend  to  go  and  do  it." 

"I  yearned  for  company.  We  now  have 
company  all  the  time — her  folks." 

"I  married  to  get  the  best  wife  in  the  world." 

"Because  I  asked  her  if  she'd  have  me.  She 
said  she  would.  I  think  she's  got  me !" 

THE  STUTTERERS 

It  is  related  of  the  late  William  Travers  of 
New  York  City,  who  was  used  at  times  to 

44 


The  Funng  Bone 


make  merry  of  his  own  incurable  and  distress- 
ing infirmity,  that  he  was  on  one  occasion 
asked  by  a  woman  in  a  street  car,  "Would  he 
be  so  good  as  to  tell  her  whether  it  was  nine 
o'clock  yet?"  Pulling  his  timepiece  out  of  his 
pocket  and  looking  at  it  a  moment,  he  began, 
"N — n — no,  M — m — madam,  it  isn't  n — n — 
nine  oc — oc — o'clock  yet,  b — b— but  it  will  be 
by — by — by  the  time  I  can  g — g — get  it  out." 

On  another  occasion  he  was  asked  some 
question  by  an  entire  stranger  on  the  street, 
who  stammered  quite  as  painfully  as  he  him- 
self did,  and  when  he  stuttered  out  a  laborious 
answer,  the  man  thinking  Travers  was  mock- 
ing him,  grew  angry  and  exclaimed: 

"How  d — dare  y — y — you  m — make  sport  of 
m — m — m — my  inf — infirmity?" 

And  Travers  replied,  "I  wasn't  m — m — mak- 
ing f — f — fun  of  your  in — inf — infirmity.  I 
stut — tut — tut — tutter  myself.  W — w — why 
don't  you  go  to  Doctor  B — B — Brown?  He — 
cu — cue — cured  me !" 

Two  men  once  went  squirrel  shooting.  One 
of  them  was  a  notorious  stammerer.  He  had 

45 


'he  Funny  Bone 


no  load  in  his  gun  when  he  saw  a  squirrel  run- 
ning up  a  tree,  and  wishing  to  call  the  atten- 
tion of  his  companion  to  it  he  began : 

"J — J — James!    I   see   a — a — a — a   sq — sq — 
sq —  Oh,  by  George  he's  gone  into  his  hole!" 

ALEXANDER 

There  was  a  chap  who  kept  a  store, 
And  though  there  might  be  grander, 

He  sold  his  goods  nor  asked  for  more, 
And  his  name  was  Alexander. 

He  mixed  his  goods  with  cunning  hand, 

He  was  a  skillful  brander; 
And  since  his  sugar  half  was  sand, 

They  called  him  Alex-Sander. 

He  had  his  dear  one,  to  her  came, 
Then  lovingly  he  scanned  her; 

He  asked  her  would  she  change  her  name? 
Then  a  ring  did  Alex-hand-her. 

"Oh,  yes,"  she  said,  with  smiling  lip, 

"If  I  can  be  commander!" 
And  so  they  framed  a  partnership 

And  called  it  Alex-and-her. 
46 


The  Funny  Bone 


A  FOOL  ACCORDING  TO  HIS  FOLLY 

Once  in  traveling  the  Rev.  Dr.  Bledsoe  was 
exceedingly  annoyed  by  a  pedantic  bore  who 
forced  himself  upon  him,  and  made  a  great 
parade  of  his  shallow  learning.  The  doctor  en- 
dured it  as  long  as  he  could,  but  at  length, 
looking  at  the  man,  said :  "My  friend,  you  and 
I  know  all  that  is  to  be  known."  "Why,  how  is 
that?"  asked  the  man,  much  pleased  with  what 
he  thought  a  very  complimentary  association. 
"Why,"  blandly  replied  the  doctor,  "you  know 
everything  in  this  world,  except  that  you  are 
a  fool — and  I  know  that." 

HE  COULDN'T  CATCH  UP 

When  the  pious  deacon,  riding  a  very  poor 
horse,  pulled  up  at  the  cross-roads  and  asked 
a  farmer's  boy  to  tell  him  which  road  to  take, 
the  boy  asked  him  who  he  was  and  where  it 
was  he  was  going? 

"My  boy,"  replied  the  deacon  with  a  pious 
gaze  heavenward,  "I  am  a  follower  of  the 
Lord." 

"A  follower  of  the  Lord !"  exclaimed  the  lad. 

47 


The  Funng  Bone 


"I  reckon,  mister,  you'd  better  buy  another  nag, 
for  you'll  never  catch  up  to  him  on  that  old 
horse  of  yourn!" 

A  SUDDEN  RISE 

Stooping  down  to  wash  his  hands  in  a  creek, 
the  darkey  couldn't,  of  course,  observe  the  pe- 
culiar motions  of  a  goat  right  behind  him. 
When  he  scrambled  out  of  the  water  and  was 
asked  how  it  happened,  he  answered :  "I  dunno 
zacktly.  'Feared  as  if  de  shore  kinder  histed 
an'  frowed  me." 

"OLD  HOSS" 

During  the  trying  days  of  drafting  in  Civil 
War  times,  a  farmer  from  away  out  West 
called  on  President  Lincoln.  As  soon  as  he  got 
near  enough  to  the  President  he  slapped  him 
familiarly  on  the  back  and  said,  "Hello,  old 
hoss,  how  are  ye?" 

"You  call  me  an  old  hoss,"  said  Mr.  Lincoln ; 
"may  I  inquire  what  kind  of  a  hoss  I  am?" 

"Why — an  old  Draft  hoss,  to  be  sure.  Ha, 
ha!" 

48 


The  Funny  Bone 

DISTURBING  THE  SOLEMNITY 

Somehow  or  other  there  were  many  more 
queer  things  happening  in  church  in  the  olden 
time  than  occur  in  these  sober  and  decorous 
days.  In  old  St.  Paul's,  Newburyport,  for  ex- 
ample, some  very  amusing  things  are  recorded 
to  have  happened  during  the  hours  of  service. 
"Uncle  Nat  Bailey  was  the  sexton,  and  it  was 
his  duty  to  attend  to  the  new  stove  which  had 
just  been  put  in.  But  one  Sunday  morning 
Uncle  Nat  was  engaged  in  ringing  the  bell,  and 
the  last  comers  were  hurrying  in,  and  the  clerk, 
Harvey,  perceived  that  the  stove  needed  atten- 
tion. Taking  the  sexton's  duty,  he  poked  the 
fire,  chucked  in  more  wood,  shut  the  door  and 
returned  to  his  place  at  his  desk.  Unfortu- 
nately he  had  got  his  hand  all  black  with  soot, 
and  unwittingly  he  had  smeared  the  soot  all 
over  his  face.  The  congregation  broadly 
smiled  a  few  minutes  later  when  he  solemnly 
rose  at  his  desk  and  gave  out  the  first  hymn, 
"Behold  the  beauties  of  my  face." 

Lighting  as  well  as  heating  gave  trouble  in 
those  days.  Candles  guttered,  or  went  out, 
and  kept  the  attentive  sextons  busy  tiptoeing 

49 


The  Funng  Bone 


about,  snuffing  or  relighting  them.  Sexton 
Currier — pronounced  in  country  speech 
"Kiah"— of  Parson  Milton's  church  in  the  same 
old  town,  once  neglected  this  duty  during  an 
evening  service. 

Parson  Milton,  from  his  tremendous,  boom- 
ing voice  nicknamed  "Thundering  Milton,"  was 
an  excellent  pastor,  but  very  singular  and  ab- 
rupt in  his  ways.  Observing  the  condition  of 
the  lights,  he  quite  upset  the  congregation  by 
proclaiming  at  the  top  of  his  voice,  without  the 
slightest  break  between  the  sentences : 

"The  Lord  said  unto  Moses,  Kiah,  snuff  the 
candles." 

He  it  was,  too,  who,  when  a  worthy  parish- 
ioner whose  Christian  name  was  Mark  once 
dropped  off  into  a  doze  in  his  pew,  recalled  him 
to  his  duty  in  a  marvelous  fashion.  Leaning 
forward  in  the  middle  of  the  sermon,  and  ap- 
parently addressing  himself  directly  to  the  of- 
fender, he  exclaimed  in  quick,  sharp  tones, 
"Mark!" 

At  the  sound  of  his  name,  the  man  opened 
his  eyes  and  sat  hastily  erect,  while  the 
preacher,  resuming  his  normal  voice,  con- 

50 


The  Funny  Bone 


eluded  the  sentence — "the  perfect  man,  and  be- 
hold the  upright." 

On  a  very  cold  day,  when  the  church  was 
inadequately  warmed,  another  minister 
preached  from  a  very  hot  text.  At  the  conclu- 
sion of  the  service  he  leaned  over  the  pulpit 
and  said,  in  a  tone  audible  to  all  the  congrega- 
tion: 

"Deacon  Craig,  do,  I  pray  you,  see  to  it  that 
this  church  is  properly  warmed  this  afternoon. 
What's  the  use  of  my  preaching  to  a  parcel  of 
sinners  about  the  danger  of  hell-fire  when  the 
church  is  as  cold  as  a  barn?" 

TECHNIQUE 

They  were  both  musical,  and  of  course  be- 
came engaged.  One  evening  the  young  man 
was  late  in  paying  his  visit.  The  young  lady 
was  anxious  and  getting  nervous.  The  whole 
family  sympathized  with  the  poor  girl  as  she 
waited  for  the  bell  to  ring.  Suddenly  the  bell 
rang,  and  the  calm  blue  sky  of  peace  reap- 
peared in  the  young  girl's  eyes  as  she  ex- 
Si 


The  Funny  Bone 

claimed  rapturously  even  if  ungrammatically, 
"That's  him!  How  exquisite  his  technique  is 
on  the  bell-pull,  and  oh !  the  breadth  and  com- 
pass of  his  ring !" 

Three  street  boys  were  brought  by  the  city 
missionary  into   a  downtown   Sunday-school, 

and  placed  in  Mr.  B 's  class.     "What  is 

your  first  name?"  he  asked  of  one.  "Lem,"  was 
the  reply.  "Ah,  Lemuel,"  corrected  the  teacher. 
"And  yours,  my  boy?"  he  asked  of  the  next. 
"Sam,"  yelled  the  urchin.  "Ah,  Samuel,  re- 
joined Mr.  B .  "And  what  may  I  call  you?" 

he  kindly  asked  of  the  third.  "My  name  is — 
Jimuel,"  said  he. 


TACT— AND  NO  TACT 

That  English  clergyman  had  no  tact  who  ve- 
hemently declared  his  parishioners  to  be  "a 
set  of  unmitigated  asses."  One  of  the  Long- 
Eared  standing  by  ventured  to  inquire  whether 
that  was  the  reason  his  reverence  addressed 
them  every  Sunday  morning  as  "Dearly  be- 
loved Brethren?" 

52 


The  Funng  Bone 


But  here  was  another  English  clergyman 
who  had  tact.  On  one  occasion  he  was  travel- 
ing in  a  stage-coach  in  company  with  a  noisy 
talker  who  persisted  in  thrusting  upon  his  fel- 
low-passengers the  fact  that  he  did  not  believe 
in  the  Bible.  In  particular  he  was  severe  upon 
the  writer  who  had  alleged  that  Joshua  had 
commanded  the  sun  to  stand  still  and  look  on 
while  he  wiped  out  the  heathen.  The  clergy- 
man had  been  measuring  up  his  companion, 
and  at  this  point  he  spoke  out 

"Did  you  ever  read  the  further  explanation  of 
that  great  miracle  as  given  in  the  First  Book 
of  Zorobbabel?" 

"Yes,  I  have,"  snapped  the  learned  infidel, 
"and  that  doesn't  throw  any  light  on  it  either. 
In  fact,  it  makes  it  worse " 

The  general  roar  of  laughter  which  followed 
this  confession  of  ignorance  ended  the  contro- 
versy, and  bottled  up  the  agnostic. 

On  another  occasion  this  same  clergyman 
was  annoyed  by  a  bustling  preacher  who 
walked  up  to  him  in  public,  and,  in  a  voice  that 
arrested  the  attention  of  all  within  hearing, 
challenged  him  to  a  controversy  on  Apostolic 

53 


The  Fxinng  Bone 


Succession.  The  challenged  man  turned 
sharply  and  said:  "Can  you  repeat  the  Lord's 
Prayer,  sir?"  "But — "  stammered  the  man,  "I 
want  to  discuss — "  "Sir,"  said  the  other,  "I  re- 
peat, say  the  Lord's  Prayer,  if  you  can."  The 
man  was  so  taken  aback  by  this  unexpected 
flank  movement  that,  if  he  ever  knew  the  Lord's 
Prayer,  every  petition  of  it  had  vanished  from 
his  memory,  and  he  became  red-faced  and 
silent.  Then  his  dignified  antagonist  turned  in 
a  stately  way  to  the  group  of  amused  auditors, 
and  said,  "Sir,  I  will  leave  it  to  this  intelligent 
assemblage  to  decide  whether  a  man  who  is 
unable  to  repeat  the  Lord's  Prayer  is  compe- 
tent to  discuss  Apostolic  Succession." 

THE  ECHO 

A  tourist  was  told  by  a  guide  that  the  echo 
on  a  Killarney  lake  was  very  fine.  So,  off 
went  the  tourist  to  hear  it,  and  hired  two  men 
to  row  him  out,  accomplishing  the  transaction 
so  swiftly  that  there  was  no  time  for  them  to 
arrange  for  the  usual  echo  to  be  in  attendance. 
The  echo  wasn't  working.  What  was  to  be 

54 


The  Funny  Bone 

done?  In  despair  of  a  better  expedient,  the 
men  that  were  rowing  broke  an  oar,  and  one 
swam  ashore  to  fetch  another — and  while  he 
was  gone,  the  echo  began  to  work! 

"Good  morning,"  cried  the  tourist. 

"Good  marning,"  said  the  echo,  with  a 
charming  brogue. 

"Fine  day,  sir." 

"Foine  day,  sir,"  improved  the  echo. 

"Will  you  take  a  drink?"  cried  the  tourist. 

"Begorra,  an'  that  I  will!"  roared  the  echo. 


"LOGIC  IS  LOGIC" 

Jack  and  his  friend  Mickey  were  walking  up- 
town one  morning  and  Jack  said,  "Mickey,  I 
bet  you  a  dollar  I  can  prove  to  you  that  you 
are  on  the  other  side  of  the  street." 

"Done,"  said  Mickey,  "I'm  the  man  for  your 
money." 

"Well,"  continued  Jack,  pointing  to  the  op- 
posite side  of  the  street,  "that  is  one  side  of  the 
street,  isn't  it?" 

"Yes,"  said  Mickey. 

"And  this  side  is  the  other  side,  isn't  it? 

55 


e  Funng  Bone 


And  you  are  on  the  other  side.  And  I'll  take 
your  dollar,  please." 

Mickey  passed  out  the  dollar,  but  scratched 
his  head.  He  resolved  to  win  that  dollar  back, 
and  later  in  the  day  waylaid  a  man  with,  "I 
say — I  bet  you  a  dollar  I  can  prove  to  you  that 
you  are  on  the  other  side  of  the  street." 
"Done,"  said  the  man.  "I'd  as  soon  make  a  dol- 
lar easy  as  not." 

"Well,"  said  Mickey,  "this  is  one  side  of  the 
street,  isn't  it?" 

"Yes,  that  can't  be  disputed." 

"And  over  there  is  the  other  side,  isn't  it?" 

"Yes— but  I  ain't  on  that  side — and  I'll  take 
your  dollar,  please." 

And  Mickey  walked  home  scratching  his 
head  and  wondering  how  it  came  that  "the 
dang  thing  didn't  work?" 

LIONIZED 

This  is  how  the  colonel  and  the  lieutenant- 
colonel  of  a  French  regiment  in  Algeria  were 
lionized.  The  major  of  the  regiment  one  day 
came  across  a  lion  suffering  grievous  pain  from 

56 


The  Funny  Bone 

a  thorn  in  his  paw.  Pitying  the  poor  animal, 
the  major  extracted  the  thorn.  Considering 
what  he  could  do  in  return  for  the  kindness, 
the  grateful  lion  secured  a  copy  of  the  army 
register,  ran  his  eye  over  the  list  of  officers  in 
the  gentle  major's  regiment,  and  waylaid  and 
devoured  both  the  colonel  and  the  lieutenant- 
colonel,  so  that  his  friend,  the  major,  could  be 
promoted. 


LAUGHED  IT  OUT  OF  COURT 

In  the  course  of  a  sermon  on  "The  Soul,"  a 
certain  minister  once  said:  "They  are  saying 
these  days  that  the  soul  is  nothing  but  elec- 
tricity. Now,  brethren,  just  to  show  you  how 
utterly  ridiculous  this  modern  conceit  is,  sup- 
pose we  substitute  the  word  'electricity*  for 
the  words  'the  soul*  wherever  they  occur  in 
the  Bible,  and  see  how  it  will  read.  For  in- 
stance :  'What  shall  it  profit  a  man  if  he  gain 
the  whole  world,  and  lose  his— electricity.  Or 
what  shall  a  man  give  in  exchange  for  his — 
electricity.'  Ridiculous,  perfectly  ridiculous!" 

57 


The  Funng  Bone 


HOW  TO  CATCH  A  MULE 

There  was  a  farmer  who  had  a  balky  mule 
and  he  couldn't  make  the  mule  go.  A  stranger 
came  along  and  offered  to  help,  and  the  farmer 
told  him  to  go  right  ahead.  The  stranger  had 
a  bottle  of  turpentine,  and  he  opened  the  mule's 
mouth  and  pushed  back  his  head  and  poured 
about  half  of  the  bottle  into  the  mule's  stom- 
ach. The  mule  gave  one  startled  gasp  and 
struck  out  across  the  prairie,  and  was  lost  to 
sight.  The  surprised  farmer  stood  for  a  while 
immersed  in  deep  thought,  and  then  he  said, 
"Stranger,  please  give  me  the  rest  of  that  tur- 
pentine; I've  got  to  catch  my  mule." 

HOW  THE  YOUNG  IDEA  SHOOTS 

Many  children  are  so  crammed  with  every- 
thing that  they  really  know  nothing. 

In  proof  of  this,  read  these  veritable  speci- 
mens of  definitions,  written  by  public  school 
children : 

"Stability  is  taking  care  of  a  stable." 

"A  mosquito  is  the  child  of  black  and  white 
parents." 

58 


The  Funny  Bone 

"Tocsin  is  something  to  do  with  getting 
drunk." 

"Expostulation  is  to  have  the  smallpox." 
"Monastery  is  the  place  for  monsters." 
"Cannibal  is  two  brothers  who  killed  each 
other  in  the  Bible." 

"Anatomy  is  the  human  body,  which  con- 
sists of  three  parts,  the  head,  the  chist  and  the 
stummick.  The  head  contains  the  eyes  and 
brains,  if  any.  The  chist  contains  the  lungs  and 
a  piece  of  the  liver.  The  stummick  is  devoted 
to  the  bowels,  of  which  there  are  five,  a,  e,  i,  o, 
u,  and  sometimes  w  and  y." 


NAMES  FOR  THE  TWINS 

Some  amusing  "baptismal  experiences"  of  a 
"well-known  clergyman"  are  printed  in  the 
columns  of  an  exchange.  A  boy  born  on  Jan- 
uary 3,  1863,  was  dubbed  Emancipation  Proc- 
lamation Baxter.  Another  he  christened 
Perseverance  Jones.  When  the  minister  en- 
deavored to  dissuade  the  father  he  replied  that 
the  child's  mother  was  named  Patience,  and  he 
saw  no  reason  why  the  boy  should  not  be 

59 


The  Funny  Bone 


called  Perseverance,  because  the  two  always 
went  together.  But  the  richest  of  his  reminis- 
cences had  to  do  with  twins: 

"What  names  will  you  call  them?"  I  in- 
quired. 

"Cherubim  and  Seraphim,"  replied  their 
mother. 

"Why?"  I  asked,  in  astonishment. 

"Because,"  she  replied,  "de  pra'er  book  says, 
'De  cherubim  and  seraphim  continually  do  cry,' 
an'  dese  yere  chil'en  do  nuffin'  else." 

EXTREMES  MEET 

As  the  newspaper  man  put  it:  "A  late  in- 
voice from  Boston  to  Africa  included  three 
missionaries  and  eighty-three  casks  of  rum — 
salvation  in  the  cabin,  damnation  in  the  hold, 
and  Old  Glory  floating  over  both." 

This  fine  bit  of  ecclesiastical  sarcasm  is 
further  illustrated  by  a  fact  concerning  a 
church  in  the  city  of  Edinburgh,  which  city  is 
noted  for  its  Scottish  brand  of  "religion  and 
whiskey,"  and  of  which  wits  have  spoken  as 
being  "the  most  spiritually  minded  city  in  the 
60 


The  Funny  Bone 


Kingdom."  Well — there  is  said  to  be  a  church 
there,  so  built  as  to  include  a  spacious  base- 
ment adapted  for  storage  purposes,  which  the 
pious  elders,  with  a  business  eye  to  revenue, 
did  not  scruple  to  rent  for  the  storage  of  casks 
of  wine  and  other  spirits  in  considerable  bulk. 
Well — along  comes  some  clever  wit  with  a 
facile  pen  and  writes  on  the  door  of  the  base- 
ment of  that  Edinburgh  church  the  following 
lines.  The  authorship  is  unknown,  but  Ma- 
cready  is  suspected: 

"There's  a  spirit  above 
And  a  spirit  below, 
The  spirit  of  love 

And  the  spirit  of  woe. 

"The  spirit  above 

Is  the  spirit  of  love, 
And  the  spirit  below 
Is  the  spirit  of  woe. 

"The  spirit  above 

Is  a  spirit  divine, 
And  the  spirit  below 
Is  the  spirit  of  wine." 
6r 


The  Funng  Bone 


A  FIRE  SCREEN 

A  Southern  politician,  in  rehearsing  some  of 
the  stories  with  which  he  made  many  Demo- 
cratic votes  during  a  campaign,  related  the 
following  as  having  probably  been  the  most  ef- 
fective : 

A  darkey  had  a  dream  and  thought  he  went 
to  the  bad  place.  The  next  day  he  told  his 
friends  what  he  had  dreamed,  and  they  asked 
him  a  great  many  questions. 

"Did  you  see  ole  Satan  down  dar?"  one  of 
them  asked. 

"Oh,  yes ;  I  seed  ole  Satan  dar,  an*  Belzybub, 
an*  Pollyun  an'  de  hull  lot.  Dey  was  jist 
standin'  roun'  an'  tendin'  to  de  bisniss,  pokin' 
de  fires  an'  makin'  it  hot  fer  de  folks." 

"Was  dey — was  dey  any  niggahs  down 
dar?" 

"Oh,  yes,  dey  was  lots  an'  lots  o*  niggahs, 
heaps  on  'em." 

"An' white  folks?" 

"Oh,  yes,  lots  o'  white  folks,  too;  scores  an' 
scores  on  'em." 

"Democrats?" 

62 


The  Funng  Bone 


"Oh,  yes,  plenty  Democrats." 

"An'  'Publicans?" 

"Oh,  yes.  De  'Publicans  dey  was  in  one  pen 
by  deyselves,  an'  de  Democrats  dey  was  all  in 
a  pen,  too." 

"Was  de  white  an'  de  black  'Publicans  in  de 
same  pen?" 

"Yes,  dey  was  all  togedder  in  de  same  pen." 

"What  was  dey  all  a-doin'?" 

"Well,  I  'clar  to  goodness,  w'en  I  looked  in 
dat  ar  pen  an'  seed  'em,  it  peered  like  ebbery 
blame  white  'Publikin  had  a  niggah  in  his 
arms  a-holdin'  him  up  'twixt  him  an'  de  fire  to 
cotch  de  heft  o'  de  heat." 

"I  estimate  that  this  story,"  said  the  politi- 
cian, "was  good  for  at  least  twelve  hundred 
colored  votes  on  our  side  in  this  campaign." 

BRANDIED  PEACHES 

The  guests  were  all  gathered  in  the  parlor 
laughing  and  talking,  when  the  host  was  sud- 
denly summoned  by  his  wife  for  a  brief  con- 
sultation in  the  dining-room  before  dinner  was 
served. 

63 


The  Funng  Bone 


"Tom,"  said  she,  in  evident  alarm,  "what 
shall  I  do?  I  have  nothing  for  dessert  but 
brandied  peaches,  and  there's  Dr.  Brown,  the 
Methodist  minister,  in  the  company.  I  never 
thought  about  him — you  know  he's  such  a 
strict  temperance  person." 

Tom  said  he  was  sorry,  but  it  was  evidently 
too  late  to  change  the  schedule,  and  that  they 
would  just  have  to  trust  to  luck. 

They  did — and  luck  did  not  fail  them.  For 
when  it  came  to  the  dessert,  the  Rev.  Mr. 
Brown  evidently  enjoyed  the  peaches  very 
much,  very  much.  Dear  innocent  soul!  he 
thought  he  had  never  tasted  anything  half  so 
good.  And  when  the  hostess  sweetly  asked 
him,  "Could  she  not  have  the  pleasure  of  serv- 
ing him  with  another  peach?"  he  hesitatingly 
replied,  "No — thank  you — thank  you — but  I 
believe  I  will  take  a  little  more  of  the  juice!" 

"MOUNTED?" 

Another  darkey  relates  a  dream  he  had  dur- 
ing an  exciting  political  campaign  down  in 
Kentucky,  only  in  this  case  his  dream  took  an 

64 


The  FMnng  Bone 


opposite  direction.  "I  dreamed,"  said  he,  "dat 
I  died  an'  went  up  to  de  big  gate  o'  hebbin  an' 
wanted  to  git  in,  an'  Sent  Petah  he  says  to  me, 
says  he,  'Is  you  mounted?'  an'  I  says,  'No.' 
An'  he  says,  'Den  you  can't  come  in.'  So  I 
kum  away,  an'  on  de  way  down  I  met  Kunnel 
White,  de  man  wat's  runnin'  fo'  Congress,  an' 
I  told  him  'twant  no  use:  he  couldn't  git  in  if 
he  wasn't  mounted.  'Better  go  back,'  says  I, 
'an'  mount  de  bay  mare.'  But  he  says,  'No, 
I  tell  you,  Sam,  what  we'll  do.  You'll  be  my 
hoss.  I'll  git  on  your  back,  an'  we'll  ride 
up  to  de  gate  an'  when  Petah  says,  "Is  you 
mounted?"  I'll  say,  "Yaas,"  an'  I'll  ride  you 
right  in.' 

"So  I  got  down  on  my  han's  an'  feet  an'  he 
got  up  on  my  back,  an'  we  trotted  up  to  de  big 
gate,  and  de  kunnel  he  knocked  on  de  doo',  an' 
Sent  Petah  he  open  de  gate  a  crack  an'  says, 
'Who's  dar?'  an'  de  kunnel  says,  'Kunnel 
White  o'  Kentucky,  sah.'  An'  Petah  says,  'Is 
you  mounted?'  an'  de  kunnel  says,  'Yaas,  I  is, 
sah.'  An'  Sent  Petah  he  says,  'Mighty  glad  to 
see  you,  kunnel.  Jist  tie  your  hoss  on  de  out- 
side de  gate  an'  come  right  in !'  " 

65 


The  Funng  Bone 


"DOLLARS  TO  DOUGHNUTS" 

They  say  that  the  difference  between  an  op- 
timist and  a  pessimist  is  this:  The  optimist 
looks  on  the  doughnut,  the  pessimist  looks  on 
the  hole.  Well,  there  once  was  a  man  up  in  a 
certain  town  in  Eastern  Pennsylvania  who  did 
a  very  good  business  at  the  baker-trade. 
Everybody  knew  and  patronized  the  good  Ger- 
man baker,  Hans  Kitzeldorfer.  Hans  was  in- 
dustrious, frugal  and  thrifty,  and  was  making 
money,  until  one  unfortunate  day  he  turned 
pessimist  and  began  to  look  on  the  hole  in  the 
doughnut.  The  longer  he  looked  at  that  hole 
the  more  he  became  persuaded  that  he  could 
make  money  much  more  rapidly  by  making  the 
holes  in  his  celebrated  brand  of  doughnuts 
larger  than  they  had  been.  This  happy  sug- 
gestion he  at  once  proceeded  to  act  on,  and  for 
two  years  he  was  immensely  tickled  over  his 
discovery.  But  by  and  by  it  seemed  to  him 
that  his  receipts  were  not  as  large  as  formerly, 
especially  in  the  Doughnut  Department,  and 
he  ordered  an  investigation,  the  result  of  which 
Was  that  he  discovered  that  by  making  the 
66 


The  Fvmng  Bone 


holes  larger  he  had  unwittingly  used  more 
dough  to  go  around  the  holes  than  when  the 
holes  were  less  in  diameter,  whereupon  he  at 
once  restored  his  earlier  and  more  profitable 
system — and  Prosperity  returned. 

TWO  POLITE  AND  SPUNKY  BOYS 

A  German,  meeting  a  friend  on  the  street, 
asked  him  to  come  up  to  his  house  some  day, 
he  wanted  to  show  him  his  two  boys.  "I  haf," 
said  he,  "two  of  de  finest  poys  vot  ever  vas; 
two  very  fine,  polite  undt  spunky  poys." 

His  friend  went  up  to  the  house  one  day,  and 
the  two  friends  were  sitting  on  the  porch  talk- 
ing and  smoking  their  pipes,  while  the  two 
boys  were  playing  in  front  of  the  house  in  the 
street. 

"Now  I  vill  show  you,"  said  the  proud 
father,  "vat  two  very  fine  poys  I  haf."  And 
with  that  he  called,  "Poys !" 

One  of  the  little  fellows  looked  up  and 
promptly  answered,  "Sir?" 

"See,"  said  the  father,  "how  polite.     Two 
very  polite  undt  spunky  poys." 
67 


The  Funng  Bone 


By  and  by  he  called  out  again,  'Toys!'*  and 
the  other  little  chap  looked  up  from  his  play 
and  responded,  "Sir?" 

Again  the  father  proudly  commended  them 
to  his  companion,  saying,  "How  polite,  how 
polite." 

A  third  time  he  ventured  to  put  them  to  the 
test,  as  he  said,  "Just  to  show  you  vat  two 
polite  undt  spunky  poys  I  haf,"  and  called  out, 
"poys!" 

One  of  the  little  fellows  straightened  him- 
self up  at  this,  and  shaking  his  fist  at  the  old 
man,  called  out: 

"Look  here,  old  man,  if  you  don't  stop  your 
blame  hollerin*  at  us,  I'll  come  in  there  an'  bust 
your  head  with  a  brick." 

"See!"  exclaimed  the  delighted  father, 
"spunky,  spunky!  Two  very  polite  undt 
spunky  poys." 

Passing  by  a  mill-pond  in  winter  time,  and 
observing  a  parcel  of  boys  skating  right  under 
and  around  a  DANGER  sign  which  had  been 
erected  there,  a  gentleman  looked  up  the  miller 
and  expostulated  with  him  for  allowing  it. 
68 


The  Funny  Bone 


The  miller  smiled  and  said,  "You  just  rest 
easy,  my  friend.  It's  all  right.  I  put  that  dan- 
ger sign  there  on  purpose  to  attract  the  boys 
to  that  part  of  the  pond.  You  see  the  water  is 
only  a  foot  deep  there,  but  away  on  the  other 
side  it's  twenty  feet  deep.  If  I'd  a  put  the 
danger  sign  over  there,  then  they'd  all  gone 
over  there.  So  I  put  it  over  here.  Catch  on?" 


A  CRANKY  COUPLE 

On  the  way  to  the  minister's  house  to  be 
married  a  couple  had  a  fall-out,  and  when  the 
woman  was  asked:  "Would  she  take  this  man 
for  her  wedded  husband?"  she  said,  "No!" 
And  the  man  said,  "Why — what's  the  matter 
with  you?"  and  she  said,  "Well,  I've  taken  a 
sudden  dislike  to  you." 

They  went  away  without  being  married,  but 
they  made  it  all  up  in  a  few  days'  time  and 
went  to  the  minister's  house  again.  But,  when 
the  man  was  asked,  "Would  he  have  this 
woman  for  his  wedded  wife?"  he,  to  get  even, 
answered,  "No!"  and  then  she  said,  "What's 
the  matter  with  you,  now?"  and  he  said,  "Oh, 

69 


The  Funng  Bone 


nothin',    only   I've   tuk    a    sudden   dislike   to 
you." 

They  went  away  again,  again  made  it  up, 
and  again  came  to  the  minister's  house,  rang 
the  bell,  and  when  the  minister  appeared,  the 
man  said,  "Well,  parson,  here  we  are  again. 
We'll  make  it  good  this  time,  sure;  third  time 
proves,  you  know."  And  the  minister  said 
"No — he  guessed  he  didn't  care  to  marry 
them."  And  then  they  both  said,  "Why,  what's 
the  matter  with  you,  now?"  and  he  said, 
"Well,  I've  taken  a  sudden  dislike  to  both  of 
you!" 

SO  MANY  BALD  HEADS 

Thirty-six  years  after  the  date  of  the  battle  of 
Gettysburg,  the  veteran  survivors  of  a  Pennsyl- 
vania regiment  were  holding  their  first  reunion 
in  that  celebrated  town.  In  the  forenoon  they 
dedicated  their  monument  on  the  field  of  "The 
First  Day's  Fight,"  and  in  the  afternoon  they 
were  to  hold  a  business  meeting  in  the  Post 
Room  of  the  local  G.  A.  R.  On  that  day  ac- 
commodations were  quite  inadequate  in 
Gettysburg,  and  the  Post  Room  was  in  conse- 
70 


The  Funny  Bone 


quence  occupied  nearly  every  hour  of  the  day 
by  some  of  the  various  organizations  there  as- 
sembled, so  that  when  it  came  the  turn  of  this 
particular  regiment  to  occupy  the  room,  the 
Seventh  Pennsylvania  Cavalry  was  still  in  ses- 
sion. They  waited  outside  until  the  cavalry- 
men were  through,  and  then  filed  in.  One  who 
was  there  says: 

"As  we  went  in,  I  noticed  a  man  going  in  be- 
side me,  tall,  well-formed,  with  a  very  fine 
head  of  coal-black  hair,  and  rather  the  worse 
for  drink.  I  wondered  who  he  was,  for  I  knew 
nearly  every  man  in  the  regiment,  but  I 
couldn't  place  that  man. 

"Well,  when  we  were  all  seated,  and  General 
Wister  took  the  gavel  in  hand  to  rap  to  order, 
this  black-haired  man  arose  slowly  and  some- 
what uncertainly,  saluted  and  said: 

"  'Cap'n,  before  you  read  the  minutes  and 
proceed  to  business,  I'd  like  to  ask  a  question. 
What,  hie,  regiment  is  this  that's  holding  a  re- 
union here  ?' 

"'The  One  Hundred  and  Fiftieth  Pennsyl- 
vania, Bucktails,'  answered  the  general  with  a 
smile. 


The  Funny  Bone 


"'Then,  'tain't  the  Seventh  Cavalry?' 
"  'No.    It's  the  One  Hundred  and  Fiftieth.' 
"The  Man  seemed  dazed,  repeated  the  num- 
ber over  and  over  to  himself  and  said:  'Then 
I'm  in  the  wrong  box,  cap'n — got  left.  Ever  get 
left  yourself,  cap'n?     Great  Scott,  got  in  the 
wrong  box." 

"Then  he  sat  down,  chuckling  to  himself  over 
his  adventure  and  muttering,  'Wrong  box,'  and 
'Got  left.' 

"By  and  by  he  arose  again,  courteously 
saluted,  and  said: 

"  'Cap'n,  'scuze  me — but  what  regiment  did 
you  say  this  was?    How  much  was  it?" 
"  'The  One  Hundred  and  Fiftieth.' 
"'The  One  Hundred  and  Fiftieth— 'm  hie, 
Great    Scott,'    looking    carefully    around    the 
room,  'a  fellow'd  think  it  was  the  Three  Hun- 
dred and  Forty-Ninth  by  the  bald  heads  a-set- 
tinf  around  here!'     And  then  he  left,  amidst 
roars  of  laughter." 

WIND  AND  WATER 

When  a  political  stump  speaker,  from  the 
wild  and  windy  West,  after  a  very  high-falutin 
72 


The  Funng  Bone 

flight  of  oratory  paused  to  gulp  down  two 
tumblers  of  ice-water,  old  Hayseed  arose  in 
one  of  the  front  benches  and  called  out:  "Well, 
I'll  be  durned  if  this  hain't  the  fust  time  I  ever 
see  a  windmill  run  by  water." 

Which  goes  well  with  what  we  read  of  a 
newly  elected  senator.  He  was  pounding  his 
desk  and  waving  his  arms  in  an  impassioned 
appeal  to  the  Senate. 

"What  do  you  think  of  him?"  whispered 

Senator  K ,  of  New  Jersey,  to  the  impassive 

Senator  K ,  of  Pennsylvania. 

"Oh,  he  can't  help  it,"  answered  K . 

"It's  a  birth  mark." 

"A— what?" 

"A  birth  mark,"  repeated  K .  "His 

mother  was  scared  by  a  windmill." 


THE  THREE  ASSES 

In  his  "Scotch  Reminiscences"  Dean  Ram- 
say relates  that  a  certain  ruling  elder,  by  the 
name  of  David,  was  well  known  in  the  district 
as  a  very  shrewd  and  ready-witted  man.  He 
received  visits  from  many  people  who  liked  a 

73 


The  Funnu  Bone 


banter  or  were  fond  of  a  good  joke.  One  day 
three  young  theological  students  called  on  the 
old  man,  intending  to  sharpen  their  wits  upon 
him  and  have  some  fun  at  his  expense. 

Said  the  first,  "Well,  Father  Abraham,  how 
are  you  to-day?" 

"You  are  wrong,"  said  the  second.  "This  is 
not  Father  Abraham.  This  is  Father  Isaac." 

"Tut,"  said  the  third,  "you  are  both  wrong. 
This  is  only  Father  Jacob,  the  originator  of 
the  twelve  tribes  of  Israel." 

The  old  man  looked  at  the  young  chaps  a 
moment  and  then  said:  "I  am  neither  old 
Father  Abraham,  nor  old  Father  Isaac,  nor  old 
Father  Jacob ;  but  I  am  Saul,  the  son  of  Kish, 
seeking  his  father's  asses,  and  lo !  I  have  found 
three  of  them !" 


IN  THE  CLASS-ROOM 

Said  the  professor  to  a  student,  "What  is  the 
effect  of  heat,  and  what  the  effect  of  cold?" 
"Heat  expands,  sir,  and  cold  contracts." 

"Correct.  Give  some  illustrations.  "Well," 
said  the  boy,  "in  the  summer,  when  it  is  hot, 

74 


The  Funny  Bone 


the  days  are  long ;  and  in  the  winter,  when  it  is 
cold,  the  days  are  short." 

"How  many  sides  has  a  circle?"  "Two — the 
inside  and  the  outside." 

"Does  an  effect  ever  go  before  a  cause?" 
"Yes,  sir." 

"Give  an  illustration."  "When  a  man  pushes 
a  wheelbarrow " 

"That  will  do,  sir.    Next — Mr.  Johnson." 

A  man  who  was  very  cross-eyed  happened  to 
put  his  hand  into  another  man's  pocket,  and 
took  out  his  watch.  He  told  the  judge  that  he 
"only  wanted  to  know  the  time."  And  the 
judge  said  it  was  "Three  years." 

OLD  MAN  SNUCKLES 

One  night  after  saying  her  prayers  before 
going  to  bed,  a  nine-year-old  girl  astonished 
her  mother  by  innocently  asking : 

"Mother,  who  is  Old  Man  Snuckles?" 

"Why,  my  child,  I  never  heard  of  a  man  by 
that  name." 

"Oh,  yes,   mother,"  said  the   child,   "there 

75 


The  Funng  Bone 


must  be  some  such  man,  for  I  pray  for  him 
every  night." 

"Pray  for  Old  Man  Snuckles,  my  child? 
Why,  what  do  you  mean?" 

"Why,  yes,  mother.  You  know  I  pray  for 
God  to  bless  father  and  mother,  brother  and 
sister  and  'Old  Man  Snuckles.'  Who  is  he?" 

Her  mother  saw  by  and  by  that  it  meant 
"All  my  aunts  and  uncles !" 

IN  SEARCH  OF  A  RESTAURANT 

Many  interesting  and  amusing  stories  have 
been  told  of  the  late  Judge  Jeremiah  Black,  an 
eminent  jurist  and  a  very  prominent  member 
of  President  Buchanan's  Cabinet.  On  one  oc- 
casion the  judge  and  a  legal  friend  were  coming 
out  of  the  Capitol  at  Harrisburg,  Pa.  The  judge 
was  busy  discussing  a  certain  case  at  law  in 
which  he  was  interested,  and  his  friend  was 
very  hungry.  "Say,  judge,"  said  he,  "let's  get 
something  to  eat.  I'm  awful  hungry."  "Well," 
said  the  judge,  "come  on.  Right  down  this 
street  is  a  good  place.  I  know  it  well."  And 
they  walked  on  arm  in  arm,  the  judge  laying 

76 


The  Funng  Bone 


down  the  law  as  they  proceeded.  To  the 
amazement  of  the  judge  they  pulled  up  in 
front  of  an  engine  house ! 

"Oh,  no,"  said  the  judge,  laughing,  "I've 
made  a  mistake.  This  isn't  the  place.  Oh — I 
see.  It's  right  up  this  street  around  the  cor- 
ner." Around  the  corner  they  went,  walked 
three  blocks  and  halted  in  front  of  a  church ! 

Again  the  judge  looked  foolish  and  said: 
"Oh,  no.  This  isn't  the  place  either.  Let  me 
see.  Oh — now  I  have  it.  The  place  I  was 
thinking  of  is  in — Baltimore !" 

His  companion  groaned  and  made  a  break 
for  the  nearest  hotel. 


LITERATURE  MADE  EASY 

A  man  wrote  to  the  editor  of  a  small  weekly 
newspaper  asking  a  very  simple  question: 
"How  can  I  get  an  article  into  your  esteemed 
paper?"  and  the  cruel  editor  wrote  in  reply: 
"It  all  depends  on  the  kind  of  article  you  want 
to  get  into  our  paper.  If  it  is  small  in  bulk, 
like  a  hair-brush  or  a  tea-caddy,  for  instance, 
spread  the  paper  out  on  the  floor  nice  and 

77 


The  Funng  Bone 


smooth,  place  the  article  exactly  in  the  cen- 
ter, neatly  fold  the  edges  over  it.  and  tie  with 
a  string.  This  will  keep  the  article  from  slip- 
ping out.  If,  on  the  other  hand,  the  article  is 
an  English  bath-tub  or  a  clothes-horse,  you 
will  find  one  of  the  New  York  Sunday  papers 
better  suited  to  your  purpose." 

SURE  CURE  FOR  SNORING 

I  was  visiting  my  friend  Nicholas  von 
Spoopendyke  over  in  New  York.  He  has  a 
splendid  mansion  away  uptown,  very  hand- 
somely furnished.  One  day  he  took  me  all 
over  the  house.  His  bedroom  was  beautiful  in- 
deed, all  furnished  with  rich  old  mahogany 
polished  like  a  looking-glass.  I  was  admir- 
ing the  bed.  It  was  a  very  old  "Napoleon," 
most  finely  veneered  and  carved,  and  the  bed 
was  faultlessly  made  up,  with  a  spotless  white 
counterpane,  level  as  a  board  and  not  a  wrinkle 
in  sight.  Beautiful! 

"That's  my  white  elephant,"  said  Spoopen- 
dyke. "I  always  walk  round  it  and  keep  my 
distance.  When  I  was  first  married  and  before 

78 


The  Funny  Bone 


I  knew  the  rules  of  the  house,  I  sat  down  on 
the  side  of  the  bed  to  take  off  my  shoes — once. 
I've  never  done  that  since.  Say — that's  a 
mighty  fine  bed,  ain't  it?  For  one  thing,  it  al- 
ways tells  me  when  I'm  sick.  If  I  lay  down 
on  that  bed  in  the  day-time,  and  pull  the  white 
cover  over  me,  and  my  wife  doesn't  say  noth- 
ing— then  I  know  I'm  a  sick  man,  and  the  doc- 
tor'll  be  there  in  twenty  minutes." 

"Say  continued  Spoopendyke,  grow- 
ing quite  confidential,  "I  had  a  queer  experi- 
ence the  other  night.  My  wife  she  says  I 
snore.  Well,  mebby  I  do.  Most  men  do.  But 
women  snore,  too,  and  you  can't  never  get  'em 
to  confess  it.  Well,  I  was  lying  wide  awake 
thinking  of  some  bills  I  had  to  pay — and  had 
no  money  to  pay  'em  with — and  beside  me  lay 
my  wife  snoring  like  all  creation.  She  got 
higher  and  louder  and  louder  and  higher,  till 
she  waked  herself  up  with  a  tremendous 
whoop.  Then  she  kicked  me — thinking  it  was 
me  that  was  making  the  racket.  I  said  noth- 
ing, and  she  sailed  in  again — up,  up,  up  she 
went,  higher  and  higher  till  she  woke  up  again 
at  the  top  and  said,  'Nick — stop  your  blame 

79 


The  Funny  Bone 


snoring.'  I  said  nothing,  and  she  went  to 
work  at  once  again  blowing  her  bugle-horn  till 
she  waked  up  again.  This  time  she  was  mad. 
She  got  up  and  said  something  about  'getting 
the  fire-extinguisher  and  turning  it  loose  on 
him,'  and  went  off  to  bed  in  the  next  room.  I 
lay  still  listening  and  laughing,  as  I  heard  her 
blowing  the  fog-horn  again.  I  laughed  till  I 
forgot  all  about  those  bills  and  went  to  sleep. 
And  the  next  morning  at  the  breakfast  table 
when  she  told  me  how  I  kept  her  awake  all 
night  with  my  awful  snoring — and  how  even 
in  the  next  room  she  couldn't  sleep  for  the 
racket  I  kept  up — I  just  laughed.  Tell  her? 
Not  a  bit  of  it.  What's  the  use?  She  wouldn't 
believe  me,  and  I  couldn't  prove  it." 

TOO  YOUNG 

"Say,  Isaacstein,  don't  you  vant  to  git  mar- 
ried?" 

"For  vy  shall  I  hitch  me  fast  mit  a  wife?" 

"Well,  here's  an  unusually  good  chance,  a 

clean  snap  if  you  look  sharp.    You  know  Levy 

the  banker?    Well,  he  has  three  daughters,  the 

80 


The  Funng  Bone 


youngest  is  eighteen  years  old,  the  next 
twenty-five  and  the  next  thirty.  I  have  just 
learned  that  he  will  give  $10,000  to  the  man 
that  marries  the  youngest,  $15,000  to  the  man 
that  marries  the  next  one,  and  $20,000  with  the 
oldest.  Why  don't  you  sail  in,  old  man?" 

"Dey  are  all  too  young  fer  me.  I  vill  vait 
till  dey  get  older.  I  vant  one  about  fifty." 

A  POOR  BUSINESS  LOCATION 

"How  iss  business?"  "Very  poor.  Noding's 
doing."  "Veil— vy  don't  you?"  "Mem  himmel, 
how  kin  I  — mit  a  fire-goompany  on  von  side, 
a  fire-goompany  on  de  odder  side,  undt  a 
schwmmin-school  on  top?  I  shall  haf  to 
move."' 

A  TALE  OF  A  SAUSAGE 

On  the  way  to  attend  a  funeral  a  country 
parson  stopped  to  make  a  call  on  one  of  his 
members  who  had  the  day  before  done  some 
butchering,  after  the  old  fashion.  Before  he 
took  his  leave  the  good  woman  of  the  house 
made  him  a  present  of  some  three  yards  of 
81 


The  Funny  Bone 

newly  made  sausage,  which,  when  he  came  to 
the  church  where  the  service  was  to  be  held, 
he  bestowed  for  safe-keeping  in  the  pocket  of 
his  long-tailed  coat.  While  he  was  reading  the 
burial  service  at  the  grave,  a  good-for-nothing 
dog,  scenting  the  savory  meat,  made  repeated 
efforts  to  dislodge  the  treasure,  and  the 
preacher  was  obliged  in  a  very  awkward  and 
undignified  manner  to  punctuate  his  reading  of 
the  service  with  sundry  and  numerous  kicks  to 
the  rear  to  save  his  bacon  and  chase  the  dog 
away. 

After  the  interment  there  was  a  full  service 
in  the  church,  the  minister  preaching  the  ser- 
mon in  one  of  those  old-fashioned  pulpits, 
stuck  against  the  wall  like  a  swallow's  nest, 
the  approach  to  the  pulpit  being  by  a  cork- 
screw staircase  winding  solemnly  upward 
from  the  chancel.  Here  the  minister  was  safe 
from  the  assaults  of  that  miserable  dog.  At 
least  he  thought  he  was.  But — at  the  conclu- 
sion of  the  service,  while  he  was  standing  in 
the  pulpit  and  looking  another  way,  one  of  his 
deacons,  wishing  him  to  make  an  announce- 
ment, quietly  and  softly  tiptoed  across  the 
82 


The  FMimg  Bone 


chancel  and  slipped  up  the  winding  stairway 
and  pulled  the  parson's  coat-tail  to  attract  his 
attention.  He,  supposing  it  was  the  dog  after 
his  sausage  again,  let  fly  a  most  vigorous  kick, 
which  caught  the  poor  deacon  in  the  middle  of 
the  forehead  and  knocked  him  rattling  down 
into  the  chancel,  the  preacher,  still  looking  the 
other  way,  and  saying,  "My  friends,  I  am 
sorry  for  this  disturbance,  but — I  have  some 
sausage  in  my  pocket  and  that  miserable  dog 
has  been  following  me  all  this  morning  trying 
to  steal  it!" 


PUNISHMENT  MADE  SURE 

It  is  an  old  story,  but  a  good  one — that  of 
the  two  Germans  who  went  into  Delmonico's 
to  get  something  to  eat.  They  ordered  a  very 
simple  supper.  They  had  a  good  beefsteak, 
fried  potatoes,  bread  and  butter,  and  coffee, 
and  were  astounded  when  the  waiter  handed 
them  a  bill  for  four  dollars  and  a  half.  They 
paid  the  bill,  and  when  they  reached  the  street 
one  of  them  began  to  swear  at  "Dot  man  Del- 
monico.  He  is  a  robber  and  a  thief."  His  com- 

83 


The  Funnu  Bone 


panion,  however,  gently  laying  a  hand  on  his 
shoulder,  said,  "Hermann,  do  not  schwear.  It 
iss  wicked  to  schwear.  Pesides,  Gott  has 
ponished  dat  man  Delmonico  alretty."  "Wie?" 
was  the  response.  "How  has  Gott  ponished 
him?"  "Hermann,"  said  the  other  with  quiet 
assurance,  "Gott  has  ponished  him.  I  have  my 
pockets  full  mit  his  spoons!" 

A   BASHFUL   BRIDEGROOM 

He  was  a  clerk  in  a  hardware  store,  and  she 
was  a  chambermaid  in  a  hotel.  When  they 
came  to  the  parsonage  one  afternoon  to  be 
married,  they  were  very  kindly  received.  The 
minister's  wife  took  the  bride  upstairs  to  take 
off  her  things,  and  the  minister  took  the  groom 
into  the  parlor. 

The  groom  was  very  nervous — and  suddenly 
asked  the  minister  whether  he  couldn't  "marry 
him  while  the  bride  was  upstairs,  and  then 
marry  her  when  she  came  down?"  But  the 
minister  assured  him  that  it  was  necessary  that 
the  bride  should  be  present,  and  that  they 
should  both  be  married  at  the  same  time.  And 
so  they  were  married. 
84 


The  Funng  Bone 


Two  hours  later,  while  making  a  call  at  the 
hotel,  he  found  the  bride  at  her  work,  and  when 
he  asked  her  how  that  was,  and  whether  her 
husband  had  also  gone  back  to  his  work  at  the 
store,  she  replied: 

"Oh,  bless  you,  no,  sir;  he's  gone  off  on  his 
honeymoon !" 

A  KICKIN' 

A  newspaper  correspondent,  writing  to  his 
paper  from  the  mountain  region  of  Eastern 
Tennessee  about  twenty-five  years  ago,  had 
the  following  to  say: 

"These  mountain  people  have  some  occa- 
sional times  of  recreation.  I  was  at  one  re- 
cently. A  few  days  ago  I  received  an  invita- 
tion to  'a  KickinV  In  this  neighborhood  every 
well-regulated  family  has  a  clumsy,  old- 
fashioned  loom  to  weave  the  wool  of  the 
mountain  sheep  into  fabrics  for  home  con- 
sumption. Some  of  this  material  requires  to 
be  fulled,  and  to  do  this  'a  Kickin' '  is  instituted, 
and  it  was  to  one  of  these  gatherings  that  your 
correspondent  was  invited.  It  was  held  at  one 

85 


The  Funny  Bone 


of  the  houses,  common  in  this  section,  with  a 
big  fireplace  and  no  windows,  located  on  the 
banks  of  the  Spillcorn  Branch.  The  envoy  with 
the  invitation  was  diplomatic.  'Hev  ye  ever 
bin  to  a  Kickin'  afore?'  queried  he.  I  told  him 
I  had,  and  I  had,  too,  in  Pennsylvania  at  that, 
and  the  only  one  I  ever  saw  before.  'Would  ye 
like  to  go  to  one  of  our  Kickin's  down  yere?' 
I  responded  that  it  would  certainly  afford  me 
great  pleasure.  'Then,'  said  the  mountaineer, 
'they're  a-goin'  to  hev  a  Kickin'  over  in  Spill- 
corn  to-night,  an'  you  kin  come  over.' 

"Not  wanting  to  miss  the  overture,  I  went 
early.  The  house  was  unusually  large  and  had 
one  room,  with  a  bed  in  each  corner.  Quite  a 
number  of  strapping  boys  and  girls  had  col- 
lected, and  everything  bore  the  aspect  of  a 
funeral.  The  Kickers  were  ranged  around  on 
chairs  with  that  owlish  silence  that  goes  with 
awkwardness  and  having  nothing  to  say. 
Presently  one  of  the  girls  whispered  something 
to  another  girl  near  by  her,  and  they  slipped 
out  by  the  back  door,  and  then  every  girl  in  the 
house  broke  for  the  door  like  a  lot  of  sheep 
going  through  a  gap  in  the  fence.  Then  the 
86 


The  Funng  Bone 


masculine  tongue  broke  loose  and  Babel 
reigned,  until  a  few  minutes  later,  when  the 
girls  came  in,  and  the  funeral  was  resumed.  I 
sat  in  one  corner  with  my  chair  tilted  back, 
taking  observations,  when  not  engaged  in 
fighting  off  a  human  gad-fly  who  was  pestering 
me  with  questions  of  national  politics. 

"Presently  the  old  woman  said  they  might 
as  well  begin.  If  there  was  silence  before, 
pandemonium  broke  loose  now,  and  everybody 
was  electrified.  The  old  man  went  out  on  the 
porch  and  rolled  in  a  web  of  coarse  woolen 
fabric,  containing  a  hundred  yards  or  more,  and 
unrolled  it  in  a  loose  pile  on  the  floor.  Then 
the  boys  and  girls  took  off  their  shoes  and 
stockings.  The  boys  rolled  up  their  pantaloons 
as  far  as  they  could  get  them,  while  they  ar- 
ranged fourteen  chairs  in  a  circle  in  the  middle 
of  the  floor,  with  the  pile  of  goods  in  the  center. 
The  old  woman,  who  looked  for  all  the  world 
like  one  of  the  witches  in  Macbeth,  poured 
gourdfull  after  gourdfull  of  hot  water  on  the 
material,  until  it  was  soaking  wet,  and  then 
daubed  soft  soap  with  a  liberal  hand  over  the 
whole. 

87 


The  Funny  Bone 


"Then  the  Kickers  sat  down,  boys  and  girls 
alternating.  The  girls  gathered  up  their  skirts 
and  sat  down  on  them.  They  had  a  bed-cord, 
with  the  ends  tied  so  that  when  the  Kickers 
were  seated  they  could  grasp  this  rope,  which 
was  passed  around  from  hand  to  hand,  and  hold 
on  while  they  kicked. 

"Everybody  now  was  talking  at  once,  and 
the  confusion  was  that  of  a  madhouse.  The 
gad-fly  yelled  at  me  that  if  'Pennsylvany  went 
Dimmycratic  it  was  all  gone  to  the  dogs' — and 
the  kicking  began. 

"It  will  be  seen  that  it  required  constant  and 
vigorous  attention  to  business,  pounding  that 
sloppy  mass  of  woolen  with  bare  feet,  until 
everything  rattled,  to  keep  it  from  being  kicked 
over  on  those  who  were  disposed  to  be  slow. 
Twenty-eight  naked  feet  would  be  kicking  into 
the  pile  with  all  the  rapidity  and  strength  their 
owners  possessed,  while  the  soapsuds  flew  up 
to  the  rafters. 

"Everybody     laughed,     and     yelled,     and 

screamed,  and  kicked  till  their  faces  grew  red 

and  their  eyes  fairly  stood  out  in  their  heads. 

The  floor  grew  as  slippery  as  soap  and  water 

88 


The  Funny  Bone 

could  make  it,  and  every  now  and  then  some 
chair  would  slip  and  its  occupant  sit  down  sud- 
denly on  the  floor,  and,  holding  on  to  the  rope, 
would  pull  the  whole  crowd  over  in  a  flounder- 
ing, laughing,  yelling  pile. 

"Then  everybody  would  pant  and  take  a  rest 
and  sit  down  again.  The  girls  would  hitch  up 
their  impedimenta  to  a  safer  distance,  and  the 
performance  would  begin  all  over  again,  and 
thus  with  relays  for  two  hours.  Only  one  acci- 
dent occurred.  There  was  one  big  fat  girl  they 
called  Loweezy,  who  looked  like  a  human 
featherbed  with  a  string  tied  around  it.  Louisa 
was  doing  her  level  best  to  kick  the  pile  over 
on  her  opposite,  and  had  gathered  both  feet 
and  let  fly  like  a  pile-driver,  and  was  about  to 
repeat  the  operation,  when,  at  the  critical  mo- 
ment, her  chair  shot  out  backward  and  Louisa 
sat  down  in  a  puddle  of  soapsuds,  with  what 
Augusta  Evans  in  one  of  her  novels  calls  a 
sound  like  the  wreck  of  matter  and  the  crash  of 
worlds.  What  little  breath  was  in  her  was 
knocked  out,  and  it  was  unknown  for  a  brief 
space  whether  it  would  ever  get  back.  But  she 
got  up,  and  was  duly  escorted  by  her  female 
89 


The  Funng  Bone 


companions  to  the  back  porch  for  needed  re- 
pairs. The  old  man  threw  a  few  more  pine- 
knots  on  the  fire,  and  Louisa  returned  and 
spread  herself  before  the  cheerful  blaze  in  a 
manner  calculated  to  do  the  most  good.  Then 
when  everybody  was  tired  out  the  work  was 
pronounced  completed,  the  wreck  was  cleaned 
off  the  floor,  and  supper  prepared." 

HE  WARNED   HER 

Last  summer  the  congregation  of  a  little  kirk 
in  the  highlands  of  Scotland  was  greatly  dis- 
turbed and  mystified  by  the  appearance  in  its 
midst  of  an  old  English  lady,  who  made  use  of 
an  ear  trumpet  during  the  sermon,  such  an  in- 
strument being  entirely  unknown  in  those 
simple  parts.  There  was  much  discussion  of 
the  matter,  and  it  was  finally  decided  that  one 
of  the  elders,  who  had  great  local  reputation  as 
a  man  of  parts,  should  be  deputed  to  settle  the 
question.  On  the  next  Sabbath  the  uncon- 
scious offender  again  made  her  appearance  and 
again  produced  the  trumpet,  whereupon  the 
chosen  elder  rose  from  his  seat  and  marched 
90 


The  Funny  Bone 


down  the  aisle  to  where  the  old  lady  sat,  and, 
entreating  her  with  an  upraised  finger,  said 
sternly :  "The  first  toot  an'  ye're  oot !" 

INCORRIGIBLE 

The  teacher  in  a  public  school  had  an  in- 
corrigible girl  to  deal  with,  and  for  the  twenti- 
eth time  had  taken  her  aside  for  a  little  heart- 
to-heart  talk  on  the  subject  of  conduct,  and 
was  apparently  making  a  good  impression  on 
the  child's  mind,  for  she  was  attentive  and 
observant  as  she  never  had  been  before,  not 
taking  her  eyes  off  the  teacher's  face  while  she 
was  talking,  so  that  the  teacher  was  inwardly 
congratulating  herself,  until  the  scholar  broke 
in  with: 

"Why,  Miss  Mary  Jane,  when  you  talk  your 
upper  jaw  doesn't  move  a  bit!" 

A  DUTCH  CONUNDRUM 

A  number  of  gentlemen  from  different  parts 
of  the  country  were  lodging  at  one  of  the 
hotels  in  Atlantic  City.  It  was  their  custom  to 
amuse  themselves  at  table  by  relating  anec- 


The  Funny  Bone 


dotes  and  conundrums.  One  of  the  men,  a 
Pennsylvania  Dutchman,  was  always  greatly 
delighted  at  these  jokes  and  laughed  louder 
than  the  rest,  but  never  related  anything  him- 
self. He  couldn't  think  of  anything  to  say,  and 
being  so  much  rallied  for  his  standing  failure 
to  contribute  to  the  general  fund,  he  deter- 
mined that  the  next  time  he  was  called  on  he 
would  have  something  to  relate.  So  he  went 
to  one  of  the  waiters  and  asked  him  if  he  knew 
any  good  jokes  or  conundrums.  The  waiter 
said  he  did,  and  gave  him  the  following : 

"It  is  my  father's  child,  and  my  mother's 
child,  and  yet  it  is  not  my  sister  or  my 
brother,"  telling  him  at  the  same  time  that  it 
was  himself. 

Hans  bore  it  well  in  mind,  and  the  next  day 
at  dinner  he  suddenly  burst  out  with,  "I've  got 
a  conundrum  for  you!"  "Let's  have  it!"  ex- 
claimed his  companions. 

"Veil — here  it  iss.  It  iss  my  fader's  child, 
and  it  iss  my  mudder's  child,  and  yet  it  wass 
not  my  sister  nor  my  brudder.  Now,  vat  wass 
dot?" 

"Then  it  must  be  yourself,"  said  one  of  the 

93 


The  Funny  Bone 


company.  And  they  all  said  the  same.  But 
Hans  laughed  them  all  to  scorn,  saying,  "Diss 
time  I  cotched  you.  I  got  you  now.  You  wass 
all  wrong.  It  wass  der  waiter." 

ROUGH  ON  THE  DEACON 

The  Reverend  Dr.  John  was  a  country  min- 
ister and  was  very  fond  of  hunting  rabbits. 
One  fall  day  he  was  out  in  a  field  along  the 
public  road  at  his  favorite  pastime,  and  had 
located  a  rabbit.  Just  then  he  spied  one  of 
his  deacons  coming  down  the  road.  Thinking 
to  play  a  trick  on  the  deacon,  he  pulled  up  the 
collar  of  the  old  coat  he  was  wearing,  drew 
down  the  rim  of  his  slouch  hat,  humped  to- 
gether and  made  himself  as  unrecognizable  as 
possible.  He  then  turned  his  back  to  the  road 
and  began  to  take  a  very  deliberate  aim.  The 
deacon  was  interested.  He  stopped  in  the  road. 
He  walked  over  to  the  fence,  and  leaning  on 

the  top  rail,  he  called  out,  "Give  him  h 1!" 

The  Reverend  gentleman  shot  the  rabbit,  and 
then  turned  around — but  the  deacon  was  off 
on  a  run,  nor  could  the  minister  get  anywhere 
near  him  for  six  weeks. 

93 


The  Funng  Bone 


RABBITS  ENOUGH 

The  same  Reverend  Dr.  John  was  fond  of 
telling  a  good  story  about  a  neighboring  min- 
ister who  served  a  people  living  up  "along  the 
blue  mountain."  Rabbits  were  very  plentiful 
up  in  that  section,  and  in  the  fall  of  the  year 
when  this  minister  went  on  a  round  of  pastoral 
visitation  amongst  his  people,  they  fed  him  on 
rabbits  wherever  he  came.  It  was  rabbits  in 
the  morning,  rabbits  at  noon,  rabbits  at  night 
— fried  rabbit,  stewed  rabbit,  roasted  rabbit — 
till  the  poor  parson  was  so  utterly  sick  of  the 
fare  that  he  composed  a  special  grace  at  table, 
which  ran  somewhat  after  this  fashion : 

"Rabbits  young  and  rabbits  old, 
Rabbits  hot  and  rabbits  cold, 
Rabbits  tender  and  rabbits  tough — 
I   thank   Thee,    O    Lord,    I've    had    rabbits 
enough !" 

COLORED    APOSTLES 

The  darkey  preacher  and  one  of  his  deacons 
fell  to  discussing  the  color-line  amongst  the 

94 


The  Funng  Bone 


apostles.  The  deacon  maintained  that  "all  de 
'postles  was  cullud  pussons,  'cause  don't  you 
see,  Bruddah,  dat  de  Holy  Lan'  is  'bout  de 
same  latitude  as  Africa,  an'  dey  all  jist  muss  a 
bin  cullud."  But  the  parson  was  of  a  contrary 
opinion,  declaring  that  while  "O'  co'se  some 
on  'em  mout  a  bin  cullud,  dey  wa'n't  all  dat  a 
way.  Dar,  fer  'sample,  was  Saint  Paul — he 
mout  a  bin  cullud,  but  den  dar  war  Saint 
Petah,  he  wa'n't.  I  know  he  wa'n't."  "An' 
how  you  know  dat,  Bruddah?"  queried  the 
deacon.  "Wa'll,  deacon,"  said  the  preacher, 
"Saint  Petah  nevah  was  a  cullud  pusson,  'case 
if  he  had  a  bin  cullud  dat  dar  rooster  wouldn't 
a  crowed  more'n  onct." 


NEAR  THE  END  OF  HIS  JOURNEY 

A  distinguished  lawyer  and  politician  was 
traveling  with  a  pass  on  a  train,  when  an  Irish 
woman  came  into  the  car  lugging  along  a  big 
basket  and  a  bundle,  and  sat  down  near  him. 
When  the  conductor  came  in  to  collect  the 
fares,  the  woman  paid  her  money,  and  the  con- 
ductor passed  by  the  lawyer  without  collecting 

95 


The  Funny  Bone 


anything.  The  good  woman  looked  at  him 
and  said,  "An'  faith,  an'  why  is  it  that  the  con- 
ductor takes  the  money  of  a  poor  Irishwoman, 
an'  don't  ask  ye  for  anything,  an'  ye  seem  to 
be  a  rich  mon?"  The  lawyer  replied,  "My  good 
woman,  I  am  traveling  on  my  beauty."  The 
woman  looked  at  him  more  carefully  for  a 
moment,  and  said,  "An'  is  that  so?  An'  then, 
sure,  you  must  be  near  your  journey's  end." 

BOO! 

A  Virginia  farmer  was  trying  to  train  a  small 
horse  for  a  saddle-horse  for  his  daughter,  and 
was  riding  the  animal  up  and  down  the  road 
past  a  haystack.  In  order  to  accustom  the 
horse  to  sudden  fright,  he  directed  his  son  to 
hide  behind  the  haystack  and  jump  out  as  he 
rode  by  and  say,  "Boo !"  The  boy  did  so,  and 
the  horse  reared  and  plunged  till  he  had 
thrown  the  rider  on  the  roadside  and  ran  away. 
The  old  man  picked  himself  up,  cut  a  switch 
from  a  handy  hedge,  and  was  about  to  chastise 
the  boy.  When  the  boy  expostulated,  declar- 
ing that  he  had  only  done  what  he  had  been  di- 
96 


The  Funng  Bone 


rected  to  do,  the  old  man  said,  "Yes,  I  know 
you  did,  but  you  let  out  altogether  too  big  a 
Boo  for  such  a  small  horse!" 


A  GREAT  COUNTRY 

They  tried  hard,  but  they  couldn't  get  the 
Yankee  tourist  to  admit  that  he  saw  anything 
in  Europe  that  could  beat  things  at  home. 
When  he  passed  from  Italy  to  Switzerland, 
they  asked  him  whether  he  had  noticed  the 
magnificence  of  the  Alps,  and  he  acknowl- 
edged, "Waal,  now,  come  to  think  of  it,  I  guess 
I  did  pass  some  risin'  ground."  And  before 
this  they  had  showed  him  Vesuvius,  and  asked 
him  what  he  thought  of  that,  and  whether  there 
was  anything  in  his  country  could  equal  it. 
And  he  said,  "Pooh !  Why,  we've  got  a  water- 
fall in  my  country  so  big  that  if  you  had  it 
here  and  turned  it  into  your  burning  mountain, 
it  would  put  out  all  that  fire  in  just  six 
seconds." 

An  American-born  Irishman  paid  a  visit  to 
the  home  of  his  ancestors,  and  they  proudly 
showed  him  the  lakes  of  Killarney.  "Killar- 

97 


The  Funny  Bone 


ney,  is  it?"  said  he.  "We've  got  lakes  in 
America  so  big  that  you  could  take  all  the  lakes 
in  Ireland  an'  throw  'em  in,  and  it  wouldn't 
raise  the  water  an  inch.  An'  as  fer  yer  city  o' 
Dublin — let  me  tell  ye,  me  friend,  we've  got 
States  over  there  so  big  that  ye  could  put 
Dublin  away  in  one  corner  of  'em,  an'  ye'd 
never  know  it  was  there,  except  for  the  smell 
o'  the  whiskey." 

These  honored  citizens  could  well  appreciate 
the  toast — "The  United  States :  bounded  on  the 
east  by  primeval  chaos;  on  the  north  by  the 
Aurora  borealis ;  on  the  west  by  the  precession 
of  the  equinoxes,  and  on  the  south  by  the  Day 
of  Judgment!" 

FARM   ACCIDENTS 

A  Larimer  County  farmer  lost  a  valuable 
cow  in  a  very  unusual  and  distressing  manner. 
The  animal,  in  rummaging  through  a  summer 
kitchen,  found  and  swallowed  an  old  umbrella 
and  a  cake  of  yeast.  The  yeast,  fermenting  in 
the  poor  beast's  stomach,  raised  the  umbrella 
and  she  died  in  great  agony. 

The  same  day  another  accident  happened. 
98 


The  Funng  Bone 


A  pan  of  cream  had  been  left  standing  in  the 
spring  house,  and  a  frog  had  fallen  in  and 
couldn't  get  out.  He  swam  and  swam  around 
and  around,  but  could  get  no  foothold  to  climb 
out.  So  he  stopped  swimming  and  took  to 
kicking  instead.  He  kicked  and  he  kicked  till 
he  had  kicked  the  cream  into  butter,  and  then 
climbed  out  readily. 


A  WONDERFUL  CLIMATE 

Dan  Marble  was  once  strolling  along  the 
wharves  in  Boston,  when  he  met  a  tall,  gaunt 
man,  a  digger  from  California,  and  got  into 
conversation  with  him  about  that  wonderful 
State. 

"Healthy  climate,  I  suppose?"  inquired  Dan. 

"Healthy?  Well,  I  reckon  I  should  say  so, 
stranger.  Why,  d'ye  know,  out  there  you  can 
choose  any  kind  o'  climate  you  like,  hot  or 
cold  or  mejum,  an'  that,  too,  without  traveling 
more'n  fifteen  minutes.  They've  got  weather 
on  tap  out  there,  so  to  speak,  sizz  or  frizz,  ac- 
cordin*  to  taste  an'  preference.  There's  a 
mountain  there — the  Sary  Nevady,  they  call 

99 


The  Funny  Bone 

it — one  side  hot  an'  one  side  cold.  Well — get 
up  on  top  o'  that  mountain  with  a  double-barrel 
gun,  an'  you  can,  without  movin',  kill  either 
winter  or  summer  game,  jest  as  you  wish." 

"What!    And  have  you  tried  it?" 

"Tried  it  often,  an'  would  have  done  some 
remarkable  shootin',  but  jest  for  one  thing." 

"And  what  was  that?" 

"Well,  I  wanted  a  dog,  you  see,  that  could 
stand  both  climates.  The  last  dog  I  had  froze 
his  tail  off  pintin'  on  the  summer  side.  He 
was  on  the  Great  Divide,  you  see,  nose  on  the 
summer  side,  tail  on  the  winter  side,  an'  his 
tail  froze  right  off  before  I  could  shoot." 

HE  CUT  IT  SHORT 

Garrigan  was  the  name  of  the  new  station 
agent.  He  was  an  Irishman,  of  course,  and 
magnified  his  office  by  sending  in  to  head- 
quarters very  lengthy  telegraphic  despatches 
giving  very  minute  details  of  the  many  acci- 
dents that  happened  to  the  trains  at  his  station. 
Headquarters,  at  length  wearying  of  the  man's 
unnecessary  prolixity,  instructed  him  to  cut  out 
100 


The  Funnu  Bone 


all  superfluous  particulars  and  to  confine  him- 
self to  essentials  only.  "Cut  it  out?"  said  he, 
"an*  sure  that  I  will  the  very  next  time  an  acci- 
dent happens,  or  me  name  isn't  Garrigan."  The 
next  day  some  cars  went  off  the  track — they 
were  always  going  off  the  track  at  his  station — 
and  as  soon  as  they  were  made  all  right,  he 
wired  headquarters  a  laconic  despatch,  in  the 
very  rhythm  of  which  one  can  hear  the  rumble 
of  the  car-wheels:  "Off  again;  on  again;  gone 
again.  Garrigan!" 

NOT  GOOD  LOOKING 

A  man  was  buying  a  horse  of  a  French 
Canadian.  He  looked  the  animal  over  care- 
fully. The  Frenchman  said,  "He  not  look  ver' 
goot,  but  he  is  a  goot  horse."  The  purchaser, 
not  setting  much  store  by  the  man's  judgment 
of  good  looks  in  a  horse,  and  saying  that  he 
didn't  care  for  appearance  provided  other 
things  were  all  right,  bought  the  animal.  Next 
day  he  brought  the  horse  back,  saying  that  he 
was  blind  of  an  eye,  and  demanded  his  money 
back,  but  the  Frenchman  said,  "Non!  Vot  I 
tell  you?  Did  I  not  say  zat  he  not  look  goot?" 
101 


The  Funng  Bone 


One  day  when  Mrs.  Van  Auken  installed  a 
Chinaman  in  her  kitchen,  the  following  con- 
versation took  place:  'What  is  your  name, 
sir?"  asked  Mrs.  Van  Auken.  "Oh,  my  namee 
Ah  Sin  Foo !"  "But  I  can't  remember  all  that 
lingo,  my  man.  I'll  call  you  Jimmy."  Velly 
welle.  Now  whachee  namee  I  callee  you?" 
"Well,  my  name  is  Mrs.  Van  Auken.  Call  me 
that."  "Oh,  me  can  no  membel  Missee  Yanne 
Auken.  Too  big  piecee  namee.  I  callee  you 
Tommy — Missee  Tommy." 


A   FLANK   MOVEMENT 

At  a  Camp  Fire  of  the  Grand  Army  of  the 
Republic  a  comrade,  being  called  on  for  a 
speech,  got  up  and  said,  "Now,  boys,  you  all 
know  I  can't  make  a  speech;  I  never  could. 
And  the  Commander  shouldn't  have  called  on 
me  to  get  up.  I  feel  now  like  my  brother  Sam 
felt,  one  summer  night,  when  he  hadn't  any- 
thing particular  to  do.  He  wandered  into  a 
Methodist  prayer-meeting  and  sat  down  near 
the  door  in  one  of  those  high-backed  old- 
102 


The  Fvmng  Bone 


fashioned  pews.  He  had  no  idea  that  he'd  be 
called  on  to  say  anything,  or  he  wouldn't  have 
gone  near,  but  what  did  the  blame  preacher  do 
when  he  spied  Sam  but  call  on  him  to  pray! 
Sam  was  nearly  scared  to  death.  He  didn't 
know  what  to  do ;  but  when  he  saw  all  the  con- 
gregation getting  down  on  their  hunkers  be- 
tween the  pews  where  they  couldn't  see  him, 
and  the  door  was  open,  he  heard  the  bugle  call 
to  "Retreat,"  got  down  on  all  fours  and  turned 
turtle,  and  crawled  out  of  that  church  on  a 
double  quick,  and  skipped  for  Home,  sweet 
Home." 

A   LONELY  PLACE 

"Mamma,"  said  a  little  girl,  "George  Wash- 
ington never  told  a  lie,  did  he?"  Being  so 
assured,  she  continued:  "And  I  guess  pretty 
nearly  everybody  else  did?"  This  being  like- 
wise admitted  as  probable,  she  went  on,  "I 
guess  even  father  sometimes  tells  a  fib,  doesn't 
he?"  It  was  hard  to  admit  that,  but  it  had  to 
be.  "And,  mamma,  you  tell  some  once  in  a 
while?  I  know  I  do."  When  this  was  also 
reluctantly  confessed,  the  child  drew  a  sigh 
103 


The  Funny  Bone 

and  said,  'Oh,  mamma!  What  a  lonely  place 
Heaven  will  be,  with  nobody  in  it  but  God  and 
George  Washington!" 


THE   PRICE  OF  A  DOG 

A  man  had  a  dog,  and  the  dog  was  such  a 
poor,  miserable  cur  that  everybody  wondered 
at  the  attachment  of  the  man  to  such  a  beast. 
One  day  in  the  barroom  of  a  tavern  a  number 
of  young  men  were  rallying  him  on  his  dog, 
and  wanted  to  know  how  much  he'd  take  for 
his  pet.  The  man  said  that  he  loved  that  dog 
so  much  that  he  couldn't  think  of  parting  with 
him — he  "wouldn't  take  twenty  dollars  for  that 
dog."  His  tormentors,  knowing  him  to  be 
thoroughly  conscientious,  although  poor,  and 
that  when  he  had  given  his  word  he  would 
never  go  back  on  it,  got  together  forty  silver 
half-dollars,  piled  them  up  on  the  bar,  and 
called  on  him  to  decide  whether  he  would 
rather  have  that  miserable  dog  or  all  that  pile 
of  silver?  "No,  gentlemen,"  said  he,  walking 
up  to  the  bar  and  counting  the  money  care- 
fully, "I  stick  to  what  I  said.  I  won't  take 
104 


The  Funny  Bone 

twenty  dollars  for  Pete.  It's  too  much.  Nine- 
teen dollars  and  a  half  is  every  cent  he's  worth. 
The  dog  is  yours."  Leaving  one  half-dollar  on 
the  bar,  he  scooped  the  other  thirty-nine  into 
his  hat. 

WHY  THE  HAWKEYE  MAN  COULDN'T 
PAY 

Iowa,  12,  3,  '06. 

Dear  Sir: — Your  sumptuous  letter  received, 
and  in  reply  will  say  that  they  come  frequently, 
and  it  would  have  afforded  the  boys  much 
amusement  had  not  the  melancholy  thought 
come  with  it  that  you  had  no  better  sense  than 
to  abuse,  slander  and  dun  a  gentleman. 

You  speak  of  honor,  if  you  are  honorable  you 
know  not  whereof  you  speak.  You  also  speak 
of  causing  me  much  trouble,  my  land,  I  have 
already  trouble  enough  to  send  a  whole 
brigade  of  you  wise  boys  over  the  road  fifty 
times.  I  will  give  you  a  history  of  this  case, 
and  if  you  are  surprised  at  my  actions  in  re- 
gard to  your  claim  for  10.00  you  are  undoubt- 
edly the  worst  set  of  misers  on  earth. 

To  begin  with  in  1891  I  bought  a  restaurant 

105 


The  Funny  Bone 


on  credit.  In  1892  I  bought  an  OX  team,  a  tim- 
ber cart,  a  pair  of  Texas  ponies,  a  gold  watch, 
a  breech-loading  shotgun,  A  repeating  rifle,  A 
milk  cow,  A  pair  of  fine  hogs,  and  a  set  of  books 
all  on  the  instalment  plan,  and  hired  hands  to 
dig  a  fish  pond.  In  1905  my  restaurant  burned 
flat  to  the  ground  and  never  left  me  a  thing, 
one  of  my  ponies  died  and  I  hired  the  other 
one  to  an  infernal,  insignificant  drummer.  He 
killed  him  driving  him  too  hard.  Then  I 
joined  the  farmers  alliance  and  Methodist 
church,  and  took  advantage  of  the  homestead 
exemption  and  honest  debtors'  relief  law,  and 
then  had  my  applycation  wrote  out  to  join  the 
masons.  In  the  latter  part  of  1905  my  father 
died  and  my  mother  married  a  Mexican.  And 
my  brother  Bud  was  lynched  for  horse  steal- 
ing. My  sister  choked  to  death  on  a  button 
and  I  had  to  pay  her  funeral  expenses. 

In  1905  I  got  burned  out  again,  and  I  took 
to  drink  and  soon  went  through  with  the  in- 
terest on  what  I  owed,  which  was  all  I  had 
left.  My  wife  run  away  and  left  me  all  the  chil- 
dren to  take  care  of.  I  don't  care  for  anybody 
and  nothing  surprises  me  any  more.  Now  if 
106 


The  Funny  Bone 

you  feel  like  tackeling  me  pitch  in,  I'll  have  to 
stand  it,  I  suppose.  But  let  me  give  you  a  gen- 
tle tip,  getting  money  out  of  me  is  like  stuffing 
butter  in  a  keyhole  with  a  hot  awl. 

You  speak  of  making  no  effort  to  adjust  this 
bill;  what  is  the  use?  If  steam  boats  were 
worth  two  cents  apiece  I  couldn't  buy  a  gang 
plank.  You  ask  if  I  thought  it  would  of  been 
more  manly  to  of  acknowledged  the  truth.  I 
answer  no,  by  the  way,  I  don't  expect  anything 
but  to  be  pestered  by  lawyers,  collection 
sharks  and  other  humbugs  and  grafters,  until 
this  pestilence  relieves  me  from  their  clutches. 
Be  for  I  die  I  am  going  to  Petition  heigh 
heaven  for  a  shower  of  fire  and  destruction  on 
the  whole  bunch.  And  I  will  particular  pray 
that  the  storm  spend  most  of  its  fury  on  that 
southern  hamlet  where  you  claim  to  get  your 
mail. 

Maliciously  and  disrespectfully  yours, 


THE  FORBIDDEN  FRUIT 

Father  had  bought  and  planted  a  number  of 
dwarf  pear  trees  in  the  yard  around  the  house. 
107 


The  Funny  Bone 

He  watched  their  growth  and  development 
with  great  interest  for  several  years,  and  when 
at  last  one  of  the  trees  produced  just  one  pear, 
all  the  children  in  the  house  were  straitly  and 
strictly  forbidden  to  pull  that  pear  off  the  tree. 
"Whoever  pulls  that  pear  off  the  tree  will  get 
a  whipping,  and  a  good  one." 

The  pear  grew  larger  daily,  and  riper  and 
more  lusciously  tempting.  How  the  sight  of  it 
made  our  mouths  water— especially  as  it  was 
forbidden  to  pull  it  off!  However,  some  one 
of  the  children,  carefully  reasoning  that  it  was 
not  forbidden  to  touch  the  pear,  nor  even  to 
eat  it,  only  that  it  must  not  be  "pulled  off" — 
bent  down  the  limb  that  bore  it,  ate  the  juicy 
fruit,  and  left  the  core  hanging  on  the  tree ! 

KEEN  CUTTERS 

They  were  sitting  opposite  me  in  the  smok- 
ing car,  two  traveling  salesmen,  having  a  quiet 
game  of  cards  and  sharpening  their  wits  be- 
tween deals  with  quips,  quirks  and  conun- 
drums. 

"You  come  from  Kalamazoo,  I  believe?" 
queried  the  one. 

108 


The  Funng  Bone 


"Yep,"  said  the  other,  "best  old  town  on  the 
earth." 

"D'ye  know,"  drawled  the  Boston  man, 
"what  we  Boston  people  call  the  people  that 
live  in  your  town?" 

"Nope,  an'  we  don't  care  much,  neither.  But, 
just  by  way  of  conversation,  may  I  inquire 
what  you  call  'em?" 

"We  call  'em  a  zoo.    See?" 

"Yep,  I  see,"  said  the  Kalamazoo  man.  "And 
do  you  know  and  can  you  tell  me  what  kind  o' 
people  live  in  your  town  of  Boston?" 

"Best  and  smartest  people  on  earth,"  was 
the  emphatic  answer. 

"Well,"  was  the  response,  "out  my  way  we 
say  that  people  that  live  in  Boston  are  nothing 
but  human  beans.  See?  Cut  for  a  new  deal." 


NAMING  THE  APOSTLES 

After  a  dinner  in  one  of  the  most  hospitable 
residences  in  Washington,  a  party  of  very  dis- 
tinguished men — Cabinet  ministers,  senators, 
diplomats,  scientists  and  soldiers — sat  in  the 
smoking-room,  and  the  conversation  drifted 
109 


The  Funng  Bone 

from  politics  to  religious  questions.  Some- 
body remarked  that  he  once  sat  in  the  Union 
League  Club  in  New  York,  with  Roscoe  Conk- 
ling,  Chester  A.  Arthur  and  several  other  dis- 
tinguished gentlemen  who  had  been  carefully 
educated  in  religious  families,  and  that  none  of 
them  was  able  to  name  the  Twelve  Apostles. 

"That's  easy,"  said  a  senator  brashly,  be- 
ginning: "Matthew,  Mark,  Luke  and  John, 
bless  the  bed  that  I  lie  on,  Paul,  the  two 
Jameses,  Jude,  Barnabas — "  and  there  he 
stopped  with  some  embarrassment. 

"Timothy,"  suggested  a  major-general,  who 
was  a  vestryman  in  an  Episcopal  Church. 

"Nonsense,"  answered  a  senator.  "Timothy 
was  a  disciple  of  Paul's.  He  wasn't  one  of  the 
Twelve  Apostles." 

"Nicodemus,"  added  one  of  the  company. 

"Jeremiah,"  suggested  another. 

"Judas  was  one  of  the  apostles,"  meekly 
came  from  a  voice  in  a  corner. 

"I'll  be  blamed  if  he  was.  He  was  a  disciple, 
so  far  I'll  go,  but  no  farther,"  was  the  curt  re- 
ply. 

"Weren't  the  disciples  and  the  apostles  the 
no 


The  Funng  Bone 


same  thing?"  inquired  the  meek  voice,  getting 
a  little  bolder. 

Bartholomew  was  next  suggested,  and  ac- 
cepted by  several. 

"What's  the  matter  with  Peter?"  exclaimed 
a  modest  young  member  of  the  Diplomatic 
Corps  who  had  hitherto  been  silent. 

"How  many  does  that  make?"  somebody 
asked,  and  they  counted  up  eleven  for  sure, 
with  as  many  more  doubtful. 

"Lets  look  in  the  Bible,"  some  one  sug- 
gested, and  the  Good  Book  was  overhauled  in 
vain.  Nobody  could  find  the  place,  some  in- 
sisting it  was  in  Chronicles  somewhere,  while 
other  authorities  were  equally  certain  of 
Corinthians.  Then  an  encyclopedia  was  ap- 
pealed to,  but  it  was  not  entirely  satis- 
factory, for  it  included  Thomas  and  Andrew 
in  the  list,  and  that  would  make  one  too 
many — thirteen,  an  unlucky  number.  Besides, 
the  justice  of  the  Supreme  Court  and  two 
senators  were  positive  that  Andrew  was 
not  an  apostle — all  of  which  teaches  the  great 
usefulness  and  the  pressing  need  of  Sunday- 
schools. 

in 


The  Funng  Bone 


THE  REAR  GUARD 

Artemus  Ward  was  traveling  on  a  slow-go- 
ing southern  road  soon  after  the  war.  While 
the  conductor  was  punching  his  ticket,  Arte- 
mus remarked:  "Does  this  railroad  company 
allow  passengers  to  give  it  advice,  if  they  do 
so  in  a  respectful  manner?"  The  conductor  re- 
plied in  gruff  tones  that  he  guessed  so.  "Well," 
Artemus  went  on,  "it  has  occurred  to  me  that 
it  would  be  well,  perhaps,  to  detach  the  cow- 
catcher from  the  front  of  the  engine  and  hitch 
it  to  the  rear  of  the  train.  For,  you  see,  we 
are  not  likely  to  overtake  a  cow ;  but  what's  to 
prevent  a  cow  strolling  into  this  car  and  biting 
the  passengers?" 


THE  TURKEY  WAS  TAME 

A  gentleman  who  was  buying  a  turkey  from 
old  Uncle  Ephraim  asked  him,  in  making  the 
purchase,  if  it  was  a  tame  turkey. 

"Oh,  yais,  sir;  it's  a  tame  tu'key  all  right." 
"Now,  Ephraim,  are  you  sure  it's  a  tame  tur- 
key?" 

112 


The  Funny  Bone 


"Oh,  yais,  sir;  dere's  no  so't  o'  doubt  'bout 
dat.  It's  a  tame  tu'key  all  right." 

He  consequently  bought  the  turkey,  and  a 
day  or  two  later,  when  eating  it,  came  across 
several  shot.  Later  on,  when  he  met  old 
Ephraim  on  the  street,  he  said: 

"Well,  Ephraim,  you  told  me  that  was  a 
tame  turkey,  but  I  found  some  shot  in  it  when 
I  was  eating  it." 

"Oh,  dat  war  a  tame  tu'key  all  right,"  was 
Uncle  Ephraim's  reiterated  rejoinder,  "but  de 
fac'  is,  boss,  I's  gwine  to  tell  yer  in  confidence, 
dat  dem  'ere  shot  was  intended  for  me." 


BOOMERANG  STORIES 

During  the  Civil  War  a  German  cavalry- 
man, Hans  von  Gelder  by  name,  on  coming 
into  camp  saw  at  a  distance  a  squad  of  men 
who  were  apparently  greatly  interested  or  ex- 
cited about  something. 

"Vat's  der  matter  oud  dere  ?"  asked  Hans. 

"Shelling,"  was  the  laconic  answer. 

"Shellin'?  Who  was  giffin'  us  fits  now? 
Whose  gommand  is  makin'  dot  shellin'?" 


The  Funny  Bone 


"It's  General  R 's  command  shelling 

corn  for  the  horses."  When  Hans  finally 
grasped  the  idea,  he  laughed  long  and  loud  and 
determined  to  make  some  one  else  the  victim 
of  the  jest.  Upon  returning  to  his  tent  he  wak- 
ened his  sleeping  comrade  and  exclaimed: 

"Say,  I  haf  got  von  goot  shoke." 

"You  couldn't  get  off  a  joke,  Hans,  to  save 
your  soul." 

"Veil,  now,  you  ask  me  vat  dem  fellers  are 
doin'  ofer  dere,  undt  I  vill  tell  you  dot  shoke." 

"Well,  what  air  they  doin'  over  there?" 

"Dey  vas  shellin'  corn  for  dere  hosses.  Haw ! 
haw!  haw!" 

"But  that  hain't  no  joke." 

"Bond  id?"  asked  Hans  in  surprise.  "Veil, 
if  id  dond  now,  it  used  to  pe." 


Sam  Ward  was  once  seated  opposite  a  well- 
known  senator  at  a  dinner  in  Washington. 
The  senator  was  very  bald,  and  the  light  shin- 
ing brilliantly  on  the  breadth  of  his  scalp  at- 
tracted Ward's  attention. 

"Can  you  tell  me,"  said  he  to  his  neighbor, 
"why  that  senator's  head  is  like  Alaska?" 
114 


The  Funny  Bone 


"I'm  sure  I  don't  know,"  was  the  answer. 

"Because  it  is  a  great  white  bear  place." 

The  man  was  immensely  tickled  and  he  at 
once  hailed  the  senator  across  the  table : 

"Say,  senator,  Ward's  just  got  off  a  good 
thing  about  you." 

"What  is  it?  Let's  have  it." 

Do  you  know  why  your  bald  head  is  like 
Alaska?" 

"No.     Give  it  up." 

"Because  it  is  a  great  place  for  white  bears." 

The  following,  gentle  reader,  is  given  place 
here  purely  for  the  benefit  of  the  next  genera- 
tion: 

In  a  certain  court  in  the  good  State  of  Maine, 
once  upon  a  time,  the  proceedings  were  de- 
layed by  the  failure  of  a  witness  by  the  name 
of  Sarah  Mony  to  arrive.  After  waiting  a  long 
time  for  Sarah,  the  court  concluded  to  wait  no 
longer,  and  his  Honor,  wishing  to  crack  his 
little  joke,  remarked : 

"The  Court  will  adjourn  without  Sarah — 
Mony." 

Everybody  laughed  except  one  man  who  sat 

"5 


The  Funng  Bone 


in  solemn  meditation  for  five  full  minutes,  and 
then  burst  out  into  a  hearty  guffaw,  "I  see  it ! 
I  see  it!" 

He  laughed  all  the  way  home,  and  when  he 
arrived  there  he  tried  to  tell  the  joke  to  his 
wife,  saying  that  he  had  been  down  in  the 
court-house,  and  they  were  trying  a  case,  and 
there  was  a  witness  wanted  who  didn't  turn 
up,  and  her  name  was  Mary  Mony,  and  so  the 
judge  said,  "We'll  adjourn  without  Mary 
Mony—"  Ha,  ha,  ha ! 

And  then  his  wife  said  she  didn't  see  any- 
thing funny  in  that,  and  he  said,  "I  know  it,  I 
know  it.  I  didn't  at  first  either.  But  you  will 
in  about  five  minutes." 


"Say,  Jenks,  old  boy,"  said  one  man  to  an- 
other on  the  street,  "here's  a  good  one :  What's 
the  difference  between  me  and  a  donkey?" 

"Well— what  is  the  difference?" 

"Measuring  by  my  eye,  I  should  say  it  was 
about  three  feet." 

Jenks,  thinking  that  too  good  to  be  lost,  car- 
ried it  home  to  his  wife.  "Say,  Maria,"  said 
he,  "what's  the  difference  between  me  and  a 
116 


The  Funng  Bone 


donkey?"    And  the  cruel  woman  with  a  merry 
laugh  answered,  "Not  a  particle  of  difference!" 

A  PROMISING  BUSINESS  BOY 

That  was  certainly  a  very  enterprising  Chi- 
cago lad  who  was  found  selling  tickets  to  the 
children  in  his  neighborhood,  at  a  nickel  apiece, 
the  tickets  entitling  the  holder  to  view  the 
eclipse  from  his  mother's  back  yard. 

HE  DIDN'T  GET  IT  IN  THE  NECK 

Among  the  visitors  at  a  Dog  Show  at  Atlan- 
tic City,  N.  J.,  was  a  very  tall  man  who  com- 
plained to  an  exhibitor  that  his  dog,  a  very 
diminutive  specimen,  had  bitten  him  on  the 
ankle.  The  exhibitor  looked  the  man  over,  and 
then  said  with  a  charming  down-East  drawl : 

"Well,  stranger,  I  reckon  you  are  about  six 
feet  tall.  This  here  dog  o'  mine  ain't  more'n 
six  inches  high.  He  bit  you  on  the  ankle,  did 
he?  Well,  I'm  sorry,  but  you  couldn't  natu- 
rally expect  so  small  a  dog  to  bite  you  on  the 
neck." 

117 


The  Funng  Bone 


A  HARD  WITNESS 

"Do  you  know  the  prisoner  well?"  asked  the 
attorney. 

"Never  knew  him  sick,"  replied  the  witness. 

"Come — no  levity,"  said  the  lawyer  sternly. 
"Now,  sir,  did  you  ever  see  the  prisoner  at  the 
bar?" 

"Took  many  a  drink  with  him  at  the  bar." 

"Answer  my  question,"  yelled  the  lawyer. 
"How  long  have  you  known  the  prisoner?" 

"From  two  feet  up  to  five  feet  ten  inches." 

"Will  the  Court  please  make  the " 

"I  have,  Jedge,"  said  the  witness,  anticipat- 
ing the  lawyer.  "I  have  answered  his  ques- 
tion. I  knowed  the  prisoner  when  he  was  a 
boy  two  feet  long  and  a  man  five  feet  ten." 

"Your  Honor " 

"It's  a  fact,  Jedge,  and  I'm  under  oath,"  per- 
sisted the  witness.  The  lawyer  arose,  placed 
both  hands  on  the  table  in  front  of  him,  spread 
his  legs  apart,  leaned  his  body  over  the  table 
and  said: 

"Will  you  tell  the  Court  what  you  know 
about  this  case?" 

118 


The  Fvmng  Bone 


"That  ain't  his  name,"  answered  the  witness. 

"What  ain't  his  name?" 

"Why,  Case." 

"Who  said  it  was?" 

"You  did,  just  now.  You  wanted  to  know 
what  I  knew  about  this  Case.  His  name  is 
Smith." 

"Your  Honor,"  howled  the  lawyer,  pulling 
his  beard,  "will  you  make  the  witness  answer 
my  questions?" 

"Witness,"  said  the  judge,  "you  must  an- 
swer the  questions  put  .to  you." 

"Land  o'  Goshen!  Hain't  I  been  doin'  it, 
Jedge?  Let  the  blame  cuss  fire  away,  I'm 
ready." 

"Then,"  said  the  lawyer,  "don't  beat  about 
the  bush  any  more.  You  and  the  prisoner  have 
been  friends?" 

"Never." 

"What!  wasn't  you  summoned  here  as  a 
friend?" 

"No,  sir.  I  was  summoned  here  as  a  Presby- 
terian. Nary  one  of  us  ever  was  friends.  He's 
a  old-line  Baptist  without  a  drop  o'  Quaker 
blood  in  him." 

119 


The  Funng  Bone 


"Stand  down,"  yelled  the  lawyer  in  disgust. 

"Hey?" 

"Stand  down!" 

"Can't  do  it.  I  kin  set  down,  ef  ye  want  me 
to,  or  I  kin  stand  up,  but  I  can't  stand  down." 

"Sheriff — remove  this  man  from  the  box." 

Witness  retires  muttering:  "Well,  if  he  ain't 
the  thick-headedest  cuss  I  ever  laid  eyes  on." 


IMPOSSIBLE— BUT  FUNNY 

The  Board  of  Councilmen  in  a  Mississippi 
town  voted  the  following  resolutions  at  one  of 
their  meetings: 

"First — Resolved  by  this  council,  that  we 
build  a  new  jail. 

"Second — Resolved  that  the  new  jail  be  built 
out  of  the  materials  of  the  old  jail. 

^hird — Resolved  that  the  old  jail  be  used 
till  the  new  jail  is  finished." 

This  is  something  like  the  account  an  Irish 
sailor  once  gave  of  the  execution  of  a  negro  on 
the  west  coast  of  Africa.  He  told  how  the 
negro's  hands  were  tied  behind  his  back,  and 
how  the  executioner  cut  the  man's  head  off  at 
120 


The  Funng  Bone 


one  clip,  and  how  the  headless  man  stooped 
down,  seized  his  bloody  head  and  set  it  up  on 
his  neck  where  it  was  before !  When  some  by- 
stander remarked  that  such  a  thing  was  im- 
possible, for  "How  could  the  man  pick  up  his 
head  from  the  ground  when  his  hands  were 
tied  behind  his  back?"  "Begorry,"  was  the  an- 
swer, "he  done  it  wid  his  teeth !" 


RURAL  JUSTICE 

It  occurred  years  ago  in  the  mountain  re- 
gions in  Eastern  Tennessee.  Some  of  the  na- 
tives had  been  gambling  in  a  tobacco  barn,  and 
one  of  the  neighbors,  in  the  interest  of  good 
morals,  had  them  up  "afore  the  justice"  for  it. 
The  squire  had  a  lank  specimen  of  humanity 
before  him  and  was  examining  him. 

"Now,  Zeke,  you  tell  us  what  you  know 
about  this  here  gamblin'." 

"Wot  gamblin'?" 

"Why,  this  here  gamblin'  at  Jamison's  barn." 

"At  Jamison's  barn?" 

"Yes,  at  Jamison's  barn.  You  was  there. 
Now,  what  do  you  know  about  this  gamblin'?" 

121 


The  Funng  Bone 


"Gamblin'  at  Jamison's  barn?  Who  said 
there  was  any  gamblin'?" 

"Was  you  at  Jamison's?" 

"Was  I?" 

"Yes.    Was  you  there?" 

"Where?" 

"At  Jamison's  barn." 

"Ye — s.  I  wuz  thar  off  an'  on  ever  sence  it 
wuz  built." 

"Was  you  there  last  week?" 

"Wot— in  the  barn?" 

"I  don't  know.  Was  they  a-gamblin' 
there?" 

"Wuz  who  a-gamblin'?" 

"That's  what  I  want  to  know.  Was  anybody 
a-gamblin'  ?" 

"A-gamblin'— where?" 

"At  Jamison's  barn.  Did  you  see  them  gam- 
blin'?" 

"Did  I  see  them  gamblin',  d'ye  say?" 

"Yes.  Was  you  in  close  proximity  to  them 
a-gamblin'?" 

"Zimmity — Zimmity.  See  here,  square, 
what's  this  here  ye're  a-givin'  me.  Don't  you 
go  to  projeckin  around  me  that  a  way.  I'm  a 
122 


The  Fxinng  Bone 


mountain  man,  I  am,  an'  I  ain't  to  be  fooled 
with  nohow." 

"I  asked,  Zeke,  did  you  see  anybody  a-gam- 
blin'  or  not  a-gamblin'?" 

"Where?" 

"At  Jamison's  barn  last  week." 

"Did  I  see  anybody  a-gamblin'  last 
week " 

"Yes,  now;  that's  it." 

"Yes.     I  see  some  a-gamblin'  last  week." 

"Ah!  now  we're  comin'  to  it.  Who  was  it 
you  saw  a-gamblin'  last  week?" 

"Why,  don't  you  know,  you  an'  me  an'  Bill 
was  playin'  keerds  at  the  mill " 

"Oh — pshaw !  I  don't  mean  that.  Was  any- 
body gamblin'  at  Jamison's?" 

"Wot—at  Jamison's?" 

This  went  on  for  a  full  hour,  and  it  all  came 
to  one  thing.  Nobody  knew  anything  about 
it,  and  after  some  talk  a  weazen-faced,  dried-up 
old  man,  who  had  been  whittling  a  piece  of 
bark,  said: 

"Square,  there  ain't  been  nothin'  a-proved, 
and  this  here  case  must  be  stopped.  I'll  pay 
the  costs." 

123 


The  Funng  Bone 


"Well,"  said  the  magistrate,  "there  ain't 
been  nothin'  proved  up,  an'  if  you'll  pay  the 
costs  of  one  sixty,  I'll  call  this  here  case  a 
Nolly  Prossy." 

And  then  the  old  man  said,  "All  right, 
square.  Here's  yer  money  fer  the  costs.  I 
don't  mind  about  payin'  'em  seein'  as  how  I 
won  the  whole  pot  anyways." 


Let  a  vote  be  taken  for  the  wisest  man,  and 
every  fool  will  vote  for  himself. 

PURE  SCOTCH 

Andrew  Carnegie,  in  the  smoke-room  of  the 
Baltic,  talked  about  Scotch  whisky. 

"It  is  a  pure  but  a  powerful  spirit,"  he  said, 
smiling.  "In  Peebles  the  other  day  they  told 
me  a  good  story  about  it. 

"It  seems  that  a  Peebles  lawyer  and  his 
clerk  had  been  to  a  wedding  of  the  real,  old- 
fashioned  sort.  On  the  way  home  the  lawyer 
said,  as  they  were  crossing  the  famous  Peebles 
iron  bridge : 

"  'Noo,  Saunders,  mon,  I'll  juist  gang  on 
124 


The  Funng  Bone 


ahead  a  meenit,  an'  ye'll  tell  me  if  I'm  walkin' 
straucht.' 

"So  the  lawyer  walked  ahead,  and  then  called 
back: 

"'Straucht,  Saimders?" 

"  'Straucht's  a  die/  Saunders  answered;  'but 
— hie— wha's  that  wi*  ye?'  " 

WHY  HE  WAS  A  DEMOCRAT 

"The  old  teacher  in  one  of  the  smaller 
schools  near  my  native  town  of  Peekskill,"  said 
Senator  Depew,  "had  drilled  a  number  of  his 
brightest  scholars  in  the  history  of  contempo- 
rary politics,  and  to  test  their  faith  and  their 
knowledge  he  called  upon  three  of  them  one 
day  and  demanded  a  declaration  of  personal 
political  principles. 

"You  are  a  Republican,  Tom,  are  you  not?" 
inquired  he  of  the  first.  "Yes,  sir,"  was  the 
answer.  "And,  Bill,  you  are  a  Prohibitionist, 
I  believe?"  "Yes,  sir,"  said  Bill.  "And,  Jim, 
you  are  a  Democrat?"  "Yes,  sir,"  said  Jim. 

"Well,  now,"  continued  the  teacher,  "the  one 
of  you  that  gives  the  best  reason  why  he  be- 

125 


The  Funny  Bone 


longs  to  his  party  can  have  this  live  wood- 
chuck  which  I  caught  on  my  way  to  school  this 
morning." 

"I  am  a  Republican,"  said  the  first  boy,  "be- 
cause the  Republican  party  saved  the  country 
in  the  war  and  abolished  slavery." 

"And  I  am  a  Prohibitionist,"  rattled  off  the 
second  youth,  "because  rum  is  our  country's 
greatest  enemy,  and  the  cause  of  our  over- 
crowded prisons  and  poorhouses." 

"Very  excellent  reasons,  boys,  very  excellent 
reasons,"  observed  the  teacher  encouragingly. 
"And,  now,  Jim,  why  are  you  a  Democrat?" 

"Well,  sir,"  was  the  slow  reply,  "I  am  a 
Democrat  because  I  want  that  woodchuck !" 

FINALLY  THE  WORM  TURNED 

A  muscular  Irishman  strolled  into  the  Civil 
Service  examination-room  where  candidates 
for  the  police  force  are  put  to  a  physical  test. 

"Strip,"  ordered  the  police  surgeon. 

"What's  that?"  demanded  the  uninitiated. 

"Get  your  clothes  off,  and  be  quick  about  it," 
said  the  doctor. 

126 


The  Funng  Bone 


The  Irishman  disrobed,  and  permitted  the 
doctor  to  measure  his  chest  and  legs  and  to 
pound  his  back. 

"Hop  over  this  bar,"  ordered  the  doctor. 

The  man  did  his  best,  landing  on  his  back. 

"Now  double  up  your  knees  and  touch  the 
floor  with  your  hands." 

He  sprawled,  face  downward,  on  the  floor. 
He  was  indignant  but  silent. 

"Jump  under  this  cold  shower,"  ordered  the 
doctor. 

''Sure,  that's  funny!"  muttered  the  applicant. 

"Now  run  around  the  room  ten  times  to  test 
your  heart  and  wind,"  directed  the  doctor. 

The  candidate  rebelled.  "I'll  not.  I'll  sthay 
single." 

"Single?"  asked  the  doctor,  surprised. 

"Sure,"  said  the  Irishman,  "what's  all  this 
fussing  got  to  do  with  a  marriage  license!" 

He  had  strayed  into  the  wrong  bureau. 

A  number  of  mischievous  boys  on  their  way 
to  drive  the  cows  home  from  pasture  one  even- 
ing, passing  by  the  low  and  lonely  cabin  oc- 
cupied by  a  poor  old  woman,  hearing  some  one 
127 


The  Funng  Bone 


talking  within,  peeped  through  the  window 
and  saw  the  poor  old  body  on  her  knees  before 
the  wide  old-fashioned  chimney.  She  was  piti- 
fully beseeching  God  to  send  her  bread.  The 
boys  thinking  it  would  be  a  good  joke,  ran 
back  home  and  got  some  loaves  of  bread.  The 
old  lady  was  praying  still  for  bread  when  they 
returned,  all  out  of  breath.  They  climbed  up 
on  the  roof  quietly  and  threw  the  loaves  down 
the  chimney,  scrambled  down  to  the  door  and 
listened  to  the  poor  old  soul  pouring  her  heart 
out  in  thanksgiving  to  God  for  sending  her 
bread  from  heaven.  Then  they  opened  xhe 
door,  and  burst  in  on  her  with : 

"Why,  granny !  Did  you  think  God  sent  you 
that  bread?  We  tumbled  it  down  the  chim- 
bley!" 

And  she  said,  "Well,  boys,  God  did  send  it 
even  if  the  devil  did  bring  it." 


NO  WATER  IN  HIS 

During  a  great  temperance  agitation  out  in 
Kansas  a  man  was  lecturing  in  a  public  school 
building  on  chemistry.    An  interested  auditor, 
128 


The  Funng  Bone 


a  farmer,  couldn't  at  all  get  the  hang  of  the 
lecturer's  remarks,  and  asked  his  neighbor  in 
the  next  seat:  "Say,  what  does  the  lecturer 
mean  by  oxy-gin  and  hydro-gin,  and  what  is 
the  difference?"  "Well,"  was  the  answer, 
"they  come  to  'bout  the  same  thing.  There 
ain't  enough  difference  betwixt  them  to 
amount  to  much.  You  see,  by  oxy-gin  the  lec- 
turer means  pure  gin,  and  by  hydro-gin  he 
means  gin  and  water." 

"Thank  you,  sir,"  replied  Hayseed,  "I  reckon 
I'll  take  oxy-gin.  It  goes  further." 

RAISING  CAIN 

Robert  Burdette,  in  one  of  his  lectures,  thus 
describes  scientific  education  in  primeval 
times :  "When  a  placid  but  exceedingly  unan- 
imous-looking animal  went  rolling  by,  pro- 
ducing the  general  effect  of  an  eclipse,  Cain 
would  shout : 

"Oh,  lookee,  lookee,  pa!  What's  that?" 
"Then   the   patient   Adam,    trying   to    saw 
enough  kitchen  wood  to  last  over  Sunday,  with 
a  piece  of  flint  for  a  saw,  would  have  to  pause 
and  gather  up  enough  words  to  say: 
129 


The  Funny  Bone 


"That,  my  son?  That  is  only  a  mastodon  gi- 
ganteus;  he  has  a  bad  look  but  a  Christian 
temper." 

"And  then  presently: 

"Oh,  pa!  pa!  What's  that  over  yon?" 

"Oh,  bother,"  Adam  would  reply;  "it's  only 
a  paleotherium,  mammalia  pachydermata." 

"Oh,  yes;  theliocomeafterus.  Oh,  lookee, 
lookee  at  this  'un!" 

"Where,  Cainny?  Oh,  that  in  the  mud? 
That's  only  an  acephala  lamelli  branchiata.  It 
won't  bite  you,  but  you  mustn't  eat  it.  It's 
poison  as  politics." 

"Whee!  See  there!  See,  see,  see!  What's 
him?" 

"Oh,  that?  Looks  like  a  pleiosaurus;  keep 
out  of  his  way ;  he  has  a  jaw  like  your  mother." 

"Oh,  yes;  a  plenosserus.  And  what's  that 
fellow,  poppy?" 

"That's  a  silurus  malapterous.  Don't  you 
go  near  him,  for  he  has  the  disposition  of  a 
Georgia  mule." 

"Oh,  yes;  a  slapterus.  And  what's  this  lit- 
tle one?" 

"Oh,  it's  nothing  but  an  aristolochioid. 
130 


The  Funny  Bone 


Where  did  you  get  it?  There,  now,  quit 
throwing  stones  at  the  acanthopterygian ;  do 
you  want  to  be  kicked?  And  you  keep  away 
from  the  nothodenatrichomanoides.  My  stars, 
Eve!  where  did  he  get  that  anonaceo-hydro- 
charideo-nymphaeoid?  Do  you  never  look  af- 
ter him  at  all?  Here,  you  Cain,  get  right  away 
from  down  there,  and  chase  that  megalosaurius 
out  of  the  melon-patch,  or  I'll  tet  the  mono- 
pleuro  brachian  on  you !" 


A  MEAN  COMPANY 

Mark  Twain  is  credited  with  telling  a  good 
story  about  the  meanest  corporation  on  earth. 
A  man  was  working  for  this  company,  drilling 
holes  for  blasting  rock.  He  got  to  work  on  a 
place  where  there  was  a  charge  that  had  not 
gone  off.  So,  as  he  sat  there  quietly  drilling 
away,  there  was  an  explosion.  He  went  up  and 
up  till  he  didn't  look  any  bigger  than  a  hat; 
and  then  up  and  up  till  he  didn't  look  any  big- 
ger than  a  walnut ;  and  then  up  and  up  till  he 
went  out  of  sight.  Then  he  began  to  come 
down  and  down  till  he  looked  as  big  as  a  wal- 


The  Funng  Bone 


nut ;  and  then  down  and  down  till  he  looked  as 
big  as  a  hat;  and  then  down  and  down  till  he 
sat  right  in  the  place  he  had  left,  and  went  on 
drilling  away  as  if  nothing  had  happened.  He 
was  absent  just  sixteen  minutes  and  forty-two 
seconds — and  the  company  was  so  mean  that 
they  docked  him  for  loss  of  time! 

"Say,  boy,  say!"  exclaimed  a  hot  looking 
man  with  a  big  valise,  "what's  the  quickest 
way  to  the  cars?"  "Run!"  yelled  the  boy  as  he 
dodged  into  an  alley.  The  man  was  very  sorry 
the  boy  had  so  suddenly  disappeared,  for  he 
was  so  pleased  with  the  kind  information  that 
if  he  could  only  have  come  near  enough  to  the 
boy,  he  would  certainly  have  given  him  some- 
thing to  remember  him  by. 


When  the  preacher  went  into  politics  and 
suffered  in  his  professional  character  in  conse- 
quence, he  thought  well  to  make  an  humble 
confession  to  his  conference  to  the  effect  that 
"the  muddy  pool  of  politics  was  the  rock  on 
which  I  split" 

He  mixed  his  figures  about  as  badly  as  a 
132 


The  Fxinny  Bone 


famous  Irishman,  Sir  Boyle  Roche,  who,  sus- 
pecting the  opposition  of  some  sort  of  under- 
hand intentions,  revealed  his  acuteness  and  his 
purpose  to  head  off  the  enemy  in  the  following 
terms:  "I  smell  a  rat;  I  feel  it  in  the  air;  and 
I  will  nip  it  in  the  bud !" 

A  SURE  THING 

The  colonel  and  a  friend  were  sitting  on  the 
back  porch  of  the  house  smoking  and  talking. 
They  fell  to  discussing  the  intoxicating  proper- 
ties of  beer.  The  colonel  maintained  that  a 
man  couldn't  possibly  drink  enough  beer  to 
make  him  drunk,  but  his  friend  was  of  a  con- 
trary mind.  The  colonel  went  into  his  kitchen 
and  brought  out  a  two-gallon  tin  bucket,  and 
said,  "See  this  bucket?  Well,  I  have  a  German 
sawing  wood  down  in  my  barn  at  the  end  of 
the  lot.  I'll  bet  you  ten  dollars  that  he  can 
drink  all  the  beer  that  bucket  will  hold  at  one 
sitting,  and  not  be  the  worse  for  it."  The  bet 
was  taken,  and  the  colonel  called  the  man  from 
his  work,  and  said,  "Diedrich,  you  see  that 
bucket  ?  If  I  were  to  fill  that  bucket  with  beer, 

133 


The  Fvmng  Bone 


do  you  think  you  could  drink  it  all  at  one  sit- 
ting?" 

The  German  smiled  broadly,  and  said  he 
guessed  he  could — he  could  try.  "But  I  want 
you  to  be  certain,"  said  the  colonel.  "Veil," 
said  Diedrich,  "I  guess  I  could,  but  maybe  I 
couldn't."  With  this  he  was  dismissed  and 
the  subject  was  dropped. 

At  the  end  of  a  half  hour,  Diedrich  appeared 
on  the  scene  and  said  that  if  that  bucket  was 
filled  with  beer  he  could  drink  it  all  without 
stopping.  He  was  certain  he  could.  Accord- 
ingly he  was  sent  with  the  bucket  to  a  neigh- 
boring brewery  and  promptly  returned  with 
the  vessel  full  to  the  brim.  He  placed  it  on  a 
table,  drew  up  a  chair,  tilted  the  bucket  and 
set  to  work.  In  a  very  short  time  he  had  fin- 
ished, arose,  thanked  the  colonel  and  was  mak- 
ing for  the  wood-pile. 

"Hold  on,"  called  the  colonel,  "I  want  to  ask 
you  a  question.  When  I  called  you  up  the  first 
time  you  were  uncertain  whether  you  could 
drink  that  bucket  of  beer  or  not,  and  then  after 
a  while  you  came  back  and  said  you  were  cer- 
tain you  could.  How  do  you  explain  that?" 

134 


The  Funng  Bone 

Diedrich  drew  the  back  of  his  hand  across  his 
mouth,  and  said,  "Vy,  colonel,  dot  is  easy  to 
explain.  Der  first  time  ven  you  ask  me,  I  did 
not  know  for  sure.  So  ven  I  vent  away,  I  vent 
over  to  der  brewery  undt  got  me  a  bucket 
about  so  big  as  yours  undt  tried  if  I  could — 
undt  I  found  I  could,  I  could;  undt  so  I  coom 
back  here  sure,  sure  dat  I  could  drink  your 
bucket  full  mit  beer.  See  ?" 

THE  LOGIC  OF  GRAMMAR 

While  instructing  his  pupils  in  grammar,  a 
country  school-teacher  gave  out  this  sentence 
to  be  parsed:  "Mary  milks  the  cow."  Each 
word  had  been  parsed  except  the  last,  which 
fell  to  Bob,  a  sixteen-year-old  boy,  near  the 
foot  of  the  class,  who  began  thus: 

"Cow  is  a  noun,  feminine  gender,  singular 
number,  third  person,  and  stands  for  Mary." 

"Stands  for  Mary!"  said  the  astonished 
teacher.  "And,  pray,  Robert,  how  do  you  make 
that  out?" 

"Because,"  answered  the  hopeful  pupil,  "if 
the  cow  didn't  stand  for  Mary,  how  could 
Mary  milk  the  cow?" 

135 


The  Funny  Bone 

DELIRIOUS 

"Say — how  much  do  you  think  I  had  to  pay 
the  milliner  for  my  wife's  last  spring  bonnet? 
Thirty-six  dollars  and  seventeen  cents." 

"Rather  steep,  isn't  it?  What  are  you  going 
to  do  about  it?" 

"Do  about  it?  Nothing.  Because,  don't  you 
see,  old  man,  I  daren't  say  beans  to  it.  My 
wife  has  the  delirium  trimmins." 

Mr.  W.  J.  Lampton  in  the  New  York  Times 
thus  discourses  on  the  tender  topic: 

Millinerymania 

Did  you  ever  see  such  sights? 

Such  frizzly,  frazzly  frights 

As  now  the  lovely  fair 

Insist  that  they  must  wear? 

And,  say, 

Did  you  ever,  in  your  feeble  way, 

Attempt  to  calculate 

What  it  must  be  to  keep  one  on  straight? 

Heavens  to  Betsy,  no  slob 

Could  get  away  with  such  a  job! 

That's  why  no  man 

136 


The  Funny  Bone 

•••^^••I^VMMMM^M^^MMMMMMM^BBHBVHM^HHMIMHW 

Could  wear  the  hat  a  woman  can 

And  does,  and  thinks 

She's  not  at  all  gezinx. 

Wow, 

Ain't  they  the  dowdydow? 

The  hats,  not  the  women. 

The  Autumn  Lid, 

Deliriously  displayed, 

Has  got  the  Merry  Wid 

Screaming  screams  for  aid. 

Police!  Police! 

Call  out  the  cops 

To  save  the  ladies 

From  their  tops. 

Oh,  woman,  in  your  hours  of  ease, 

Uncertain,  coy  and  hard  to  please, 

Who  ever  gave  you  lids  like  these? 

Who  is  it  has  designed 

Such  cover  for  your  mind? 

This  framework  in  a  rag? 

This  millinery  jag? 

Who  done  it?  Who 

Should  get  the  fearful  due? 

However,  it's  no  matter 

Who  is  the  women's  hatter, 

137 


The  Funng  Bone 


They  wear  the  goods ! 

And  say, 

On  the  level, 

Don't  they 

Look  like  the  dickens? 

Gee  whiz, 

Why  look  pazziz, 

When  a  woman's  as  pretty  as  a  woman  is  ? 

AN  ECCENTRIC  GREAT  MAN 

The  handwriting  of  Horace  Greely,  the  great 
editor,  was  remarkable  for  its  illegibility. 
Very  few  people  could  read  what  he  wrote, 
and  sometimes  it  puzzled  Mr.  Greely  himself. 
He  wrote  a  hurried  note  one  day,  addressed  it 
to  the  editor  of  one  of  the  other  great  New 
York  papers,  and  sent  it  by  a  messenger  boy. 
The  boy  duly  delivered  it,  but  the  man 
couldn't  make  it  out,  and  sent  it  back.  When 
the  boy  handed  his  own  note  to  Mr.  Greely, 
he,  supposing  it  to  be  a  reply  to  his  own  com- 
munication, and  being  unable  to  read  it,  looked 
it  over  carefully  and  said:  "Why,  what  does 
the  old  fool  mean?"  "Yes,"  said  the  boy, 
"that's  just  what  the  other  man  said!" 

138 


The  Funng  Bone 


In  addition  to  writing  a  poor  hand  Mr. 
Greely  was  very  absent-minded.  Leaving  his 
office  in  a  great  hurry  one  day  to  go  an  errand 
downtown,  he  wrote  on  a  card,  "Back  in  20 
minutes,"  pinned  it  on  the  outside  of  his  office 
door  and  rushed  out.  Having  changed  his  mind, 
he  came  back  in  five  minutes  and,  seeing  the 
notice  on  the  door,  took  a  seat  nearby,  and 
actually  waited  twenty  minutes  for  himself  to 
come  back ! 

LEFT-HANDED  COMPLIMENTS 

A  good-looking  young  minister  was  driving 

to  the  county  town  of  B in  a  buggy.    On 

the  way  he  overtook  a  very  comely  young 
woman  going  the  same  direction  afoot.  He 
courteously  stopped  and  suggested  that  he  give 
her  a  lift,  an  offer  which  she  gladly  accepted, 
riding  beside  him  several  miles  to  her  destina- 
tion at  a  country  farm-house.  On  descending 
from  the  vehicle  she  thanked  him  for  his  kind- 
ness, and  he  very  politely  said,  "Don't  mention 
it — don't  mention  it."  And  she  said,  "No,  I 
won't.  I  won't  tell.  I'm  as  much  ashamed  of 
it  as  you  are!" 

139 


The  Fxinny  Bone 


When  he  was  within  two  miles  of  the  town 
he  overtook  a  young  lawyer  who  was  returning 
afoot  from  a  visit  to  a  country  client,  and  took 
him  aboard,  and  the  two  had  some  sharp  pas- 
sages as  they  rode  along.  Now,  it  chanced 
that  a  man  was  to  be  hanged  for  murder  the 
next  day  in  the  town,  and  the  carpenters  were 
busy  erecting  the  gallows  in  the  yard  of  the 
jail.  When  the  two  came  to  the  hill  which 

overlooks  the  town  of  B ,  they  could 

plainly  see  the  top  of  the  gallows  above  the 
wall  of  the  jail.  Pointing  then  to  the  jail  the 
minister  said: 

"If  the  gallows  had  its  due,  where  would  you 
be?" 

"I'd  be  riding  into  town  alone,  I  reckon," 
was  the  answer. 


A  REST  AND  A  CHANGE 

"My  friend  Dickinson,"  said  the  colonel,  "is 
a  very  witty  fellow.  He  made  a  very  witty  re- 
ply lately.  He  had  been  sent  down  to  a  cer- 
tain celebrated  seaside  resort  by  his  physician 
for  a  rest  and  a  change,  and  it  was  understood 
140 


The  Funng  Bone 


that  he  was  to  spend  at  least  a  month  there, 
but  at  the  end  of  a  week  he  turned  up  again  in 
his  home  town,  and  when  people  asked  him 
why  he  had  come  back  so  soon,  his  reply  was : 
"Well,  you  see,  the  doctor  sent  me  down 
there  for  a  rest  and  a  change,  and  I  went  down 
and  tried  it ;  but  by  the  end  of  a  week  I  found 
that  the  waiters  at  the  hotel  were  getting  all 
the  change,  and  the  man  that  kept  the  hotel 
got  all  the  rest,  and  so  I  just  had  to  come  home 
to  recopperate,  you  know." 


THE  SAME  OLD  KIND 

"When  I  was  down  there  in  Atlantic  City," 
said  Dickinson  with  that  delightful  drawl  of 
his,  "I  went  one  day  into  a  shoe  store  on  'The 
Avenue,'  as  they  call  the  business  street  of  the 
town,  and  looked  around.  The  clerk  came  up 
smiling  and  asked  could  he  wait  on  me,  and  I 
said  he  could  if  he  had  any  'crochetted  over- 
shoes.' That  made  him  scratch  his  head. 
'Must  be  a  new  kind,'  said  he.  'Oh,  no,'  said 
I.  'They've  been  in  use  some  years.'  'But,' 
said  he,  'I  can't  see  what  use  crochet  work 
141 


The  Funny  Bone 


would  be  on  overshoes.  Why,  the  rain  and 
mud  would  spoil  it  all  in  a  short  time.'  'Oh, 
no,'  said  I.  'You  don't  catch  on.  I  am  not 
looking  for  overshoes  with  crochet  work  on 
them,  but  for  crochetted  overshoes — overshoes 
that  are  crow-shade;  black  ones,  you  under- 
stand?"1 

A  TOUGH  GOOSE-YARN 

It  is  hard  to  tell  whether  the  biggest  liars 
live  by  the  sea  or  on  the  mountain,  but  cer- 
tainly the  sailor  folk  will  have  a  time  of  it  to 
match  one  Bob  Sempers,  one  of  the  most  elas- 
tic of  all  the  prevaricators  on  the  Pocono 
Mountain.  Here  is  a  story  Bob  told  a  party  of 
gentlemen  hunters  not  long  ago : 

"You  know  where  I  live.  About  three  mile 
from  the  Big  Lake.  Well — one  evenin'  last 
spring  when  I  was  goin'  home,  I  see  a  flock  o' 
geese  a-settlin'  on  the  lake.  I  got  up  bright 
an'  early  next  mornin',  took  down  my  shootin' 
iron  an'  started  for  the  lake  to  try  my  luck. 
When  I  got  there  I  found  they  were  out  o'  gun 
shot,  an'  I  knowed  'twan't  no  use  to  shoot  at 
that  distance.  I'd  jist  skeer  'em  away  if  I  did. 
142 


The  Funng  Bone 


So,  I  stood  there  thinkin'  what  best  to  do.  I 
see  a  fox  come  down  to  the  water  edge  and 
stand  there  a  minnit  or  so  a-snuffin'  the  air.  I'd 
a  mind  to  shoot  him,  but  I  thought  I'd  wait  an' 
see  what  he'd  do.  Well,  sir,  he  just  plumped 
into  the  water  an'  made  for  them  geese.  They 
were  all  huddled  together  about  a  half  a  mile 
from  the  shore.  After  swimmin'  up  to  within  a 
few  yards  of  'em,  he  suddenly  disappeared, 
and  in  a  few  minnits  a  goose  was  drawn  under 
water.  Then  the  fox  swum  ashore  an'  laid  the 
dead  goose  on  the  bank,  and  went  back  fer  an- 
other snap,  an'  so  he  kep  on  till  he  got  the 
whole  flock,  an'  I  waited  till  he  brought  in  the 
last  one,  an'  then  I  shot  him. 

"Well,  sir,  I  found  when  I  come  to  count 
'em,  that  I  had  just  fifty  nice  fat  geese,  which 
I  lugged  home  together  with  my  gun  an'  the 
dead  fox.  An'  when  I  got  home  I  found  my 
old  woman  hadn't  the  breakfast  quite  ready 
yet." 

"  'But,  Bob,'  said  some  one,  'the  fox  had  to 
swim  a  mile  for  each  goose — half  a  mile  each 
way — consequently  he  had  to  swim  just  fifty 
miles.  And  the  geese  averaged,  say,  six 


The  Funng  Bone 


pounds ;  so  that  you  had  three  hundred  pounds 
of  goose-flesh  to  carry  three  miles,  to  say  noth- 
ing of  the  dead  fox  and  your  gun — impossible !' 
"  'Impossible  or  not,'  maintained  Bob, 
'every  word  is  truth,  and  I  can  prove  it,  too, 
by  more  than  a  dozen  of  my  neighbors,  to  each 
of  whom  I  sold  enough  feathers  to  fill  a 
feather-bed.' " 


FIRST  CLASS 

A  company  of  tourists  were  traveling  in 
Switzerland,  and  they  went  to  buy  tickets  for 
the  coach-ride  up  the  mountain.  The  Ameri- 
can man  of  course  bought  a  first-class  ticket, 
but  he  noticed  that  all  the  rest  got  second  and 
third  class,  and  they  all  got  into  the  wagon 
with  him.  He  said  to  the  driver,  "What  ad- 
vantage is  there  in  paying  for  a  first  class 
ticket  when  holders  of  second  and  third  class 
tickets  have  precisely  the  same  accommoda- 
tions?" The  driver  said,  "You  just  wait  a 
while  and  you  will  see."  So  by  and  by  they 
came  to  a  steep  hill,  and  the  driver  called  out, 
"First  class  passengers  will  keep  their  seats; 
144 


The  Funny  Bone 


second  class  passengers  will  get  out  and  walk ; 
third  class  passengers  will  get  out  and  push." 

They  have  a  new  brand  of  whiskey  down  in 
Kentucky  known  as  "The  Horn  of  Plenty,"  be- 
cause it  will  corn-you-copiously. 

"In  the  Blue  Grass  section  of  Kentucky  was 
I  born,  where  all  the  corn  is  full  of  kernels— 
and  all  the  colonels  full  of  corn." 

AN  AWFUL  LOT  OF  PRACTICE 

Chauncey  Depew  spoke  one  evening  during 
a  political  campaign  at  a  town  in  the  interior 
of  New  York  State,  which  it  is  not  necessary 
to  name.  The  next  morning  the  chairman  of 
the  local  committee  took  him  in  his  carriage 
for  a  ride  about  the  place.  They  had  reached 
the  suburbs  and  were  admiring  a  bit  of  scenery 
when  a  man  wearing  a  blue  shirt  and  carrying 
a  long  whip  on  his  shoulder  approached  from 
where  he  had  been  piloting  an  ox-team  along 
the  middle  of  the  street  and  said : 

145 


The  Funny  Bone 


"You're  the  man  that  made  the  rattlin' 
speech  up  at  the  hall  last  night,  I  guess?" 

Mr.  Depew  modestly  admitted  that  he  had 
indulged  in  some  talk  at  the  time  and  place 
specified. 

"Didn't  you  have  what  you  said  writ  out?" 
went  on  the  man. 

"No,"  replied  the  orator. 

"You  don't  mean  to  say  you  made  that  all  up 
as  you  went  along?" 

"Yes." 

"Jess  hopped  right  up  there,  took  a  drink  o* 
water  out  of  the  pitcher,  hit  the  table  a  whack 
and  waded  in  without  no  thinkin'  nor  noth- 
ing?" 

"Well,  I  suppose  you  might  put  it  that 
way." 

"Well,  that  beats  me.  You'll  excuse  me  for 
stoppin'  you,  but  what  I  wanted  to  say  was  that 
your  speech  convinced  me,  though  I  knowed 
all  the  time  it  was  the  peskiest  lie  that  was 
ever  told.  I  made  up  my  mind  to  vote  your 
ticket,  but  I'd  'a'  been  willin'  to  bet  a  peck  o' 
red  apples  that  no  man  could  stand  up  and  tell 
such  blamed  convincin'  lies  without  havin'  'em 
146 


The  Funnu  Bone 


writ  out.     You  must  'a'  had  an  awful  lot  o' 
practice." 

"WHO'D  'A'  BIN  'ER?" 

A  lady  living  in  Ohio  is  the  mother  of  six 
boys.  One  day  a  friend  called  on  her,  and  dur- 
ing the  conversation  said:  "What  a  pity  that 
one  of  your  boys  had  not  been  a  girl."  One  of 
the  boys,  about  eight  years  old,  overheard  the 
remark,  and  promptly  interposed,  "I'd  like  to 
know  who'd  'a'  bin  'er.  Ed  wouldn't  'a'  bin  'er, 
Joe  wouldn't  'a'  bin  'er,  Pete  wouldn't  'a'  bin 
'er,  I  wouldnt  'a'  bin  'er,  blame  ef  I  would,  an' 
I'd  like  to  know  who'd  'a'  bin  'er?" 

"IN  THE  WAY  THEY  SHOULD  GO" 

Mrs.  Hobbs  was  the  parent  of  an  infant  ter- 
ror and  several  half-grown  terrors  besides.  One 
day  at  table  she  said,  "Well,  Mr.  Hobbs,  since 
you  are  so  dissatisfied  with  the  way  I  am 
bringing  up  our  darling  Willie,  maybe  you  will 
condescend  to  inform  me  how  you  would 
bring  up  boys?" 

"Certainly,"  said  Hobbs.    "Every  boy  ought 

147 


The  F\mng  Bone 


to  be  kept  in  a  hogshead,  and  fed  through  the 
bung-hole  until  he  is  twelve  years  of  age." 

"And  when  he  reaches  the  age  of  twelve?" 

"Stop  up  the  bung-hole." 

"NO  THOROUGHFARE" 

A  toll-gate  was  recently  established  on  a 
road  leading  to  Little  Rock,  Ark.;  and  an  old 
negro  who  came  along  with  an  ox-team  was 
much  astonished.  "Wall,  ef  dis  doan  cap  de 
climax,"  said  he.  "Ain  satisfied  wid  chargin' 
folks  fur  ridin'  on  de  train  and  steamboat,  but 
wanster  to  charge  him  fur  ridin'  in  his  own 
waggin!"  "That's  the  law  of  the  corporation, 
old  man."  "Wat's  de  corporation  got  to  do  wid 
my  waggin?"  "Got  nothing  to  do  with  your 
wagon,  but  they  have  a  right  to  make  you  pay 
for  riding  over  their  road."  "Ain  dis  er  a  free 
country?"  "Yes.  But  this  is  not  a  free  road." 
"But  de  road's  in  the  country.  What  does  yer 
law  say  yer  may  charge?"  "One  horse,  five 
cents;  a  horse  and  buggy,  ten  cents;  two 
horses  and  a  wagon,  twenty  cents."  "Well, 
dese  here  ain't  horses,  'case  da's  steers.  De 
148 


The  Funny  Bone 

law  doan  say  nuthin*  about  dem.  Whoa,  dar! 
Come  'ere!"  And  to  the  astonishment  of  the 
gate-keeper,  the  old  fellow  drove  away. 

THE  OTHER  EYE 

Standing  outside  his  club  one  afternoon  Mr. 
Gilbert  was  approached  by  a  stranger  who 
asked,  "I  beg  pardon,  sir,  but  do  you  happen 
to  know  a  gentleman,  a  member  of  this  club, 
a  man  with  one  eye  called  'Matthews'?  "No, 
I  don't  think  I  do,"  replied  Mr.  Gilbert.  Then 
after  a  pause  he  quickly  added,  "What's  the 
name  of  his  other  eye?" 

KEEPING  A  SECRET 

The  Confederate  general,  Stonewall  Jack- 
son, had  been  on  one  occasion  most  hospitably 
entertained  in  the  house  and  by  the  family  of 
an  old  Virginia  friend.  It  was  known  at  the 
time  that  some  very  important  movement  of 
the  Confederate  army  was  afoot,  and  just  as 
the  great  general  was  about  to  take  his  depar- 
ture from  the  house  in  which  he  had  been  so 
royally  received,  the  host,  eager  with  curiosity 
149 


The  F\mng  Bone 


and  presuming  on  old  friendship,  took  the  gen- 
eral aside,  and  begged  him  for  some  informa- 
tion as  to  the  coming  demonstrations.  Passing 
his  arm  affectionately  around  his  old  friend 
General  Jackson  said  in  a  whisper,  "My  dear 
friend,  can  you  keep  a  secret?"  "Yes — yes!" 
was  the  eager  reply.  "And  so  can  I,"  was  the 
response,  as  the  general  mounted  his  horse. 

A  SHARP  REPROOF 

A  preacher  was  much  annoyed  by  the  whis- 
pering and  laughing  of  some  young  folks  in 
the  rear  of  the  church.  Stopping  in  the  midst 
of  his  discourse  and  looking  intently  at  them 
until  all  had  become  still,  he  said: 

"I  hesitate  to  reprove  those  who  are  inat- 
tentive and  noisy.  I  will  tell  you  why.  Some 
years  since,  as  I  was  preaching,  a  young  man 
sat  before  me  who  was  constantly  laughing 
and  making  queer  faces.  It  annoyed  me  very 
much,  and  I  gave  him  a  very  severe  rebuke. 
After  the  close  of  the  services  a  gentleman 
said  to  one,  'Sir,  you  made  a  great  mistake; 
that  young  man  is  an  idiot.'  Since  that  time 
150 


The  Fvmng  Bone 


I  always  hesitate  to  reprove  those  who  mis- 
behave in  church,  lest  I  should  again  find  my- 
self in  the  error  of  rebuking  an  idiot."  There 
was  order  during  the  rest  of  the  service. 

IT  WOULDN'T  WORK 

Lazily  sauntering  along  on  the  gay  board- 
walk, enjoying  the  stiff  salt  breeze  and  paying 
due  attention  to  the  merry  throng  always 
passing  up  and  down,  my  attention  was  called 
to  a  certain  rolling  chair  whose  occupant  I 
thought  I  knew.  Wasn't  that  Barney  Schmitt? 
Barney,  you  must  know,  keeps  one  of  the  very 
best  cafes  in  existence,  up  in  one  of  the  most 
flourishing  towns  in  Eastern  Pennsylvania.  I 
knew  he  had  been  suffering  greatly  from  rheu- 
matism for  a  year  past,  but  had  lost  track  of 
him  recently  and  supposed  him  to  be  in  the 
doctor's  hands  at  some  Water  Cure  up  in  New 
York  State — and  here  he  was,  fat  and  puffy, 
all  covered  up  with  a  big  steamer  rug  in  a  roll- 
ing chair.  I  stopped  the  chair  and  said,  "Hello, 
Barney,  that  you?" 

"Yes,"  said  he,  "diss  iss  me.    I  vish  to  Him- 
mel  it  wass  somepody  else." 
151 


The  Funng  Bone 


"Well,  how  are  you?  Better  I  hope?" 

Barney  shook  his  head  with  a  rueful 
countenance.  "No,  I'm  no  petter  I've  tried 
everything  in  all  greation  from  a  lemon  to 
Gristian  Ziance,  undt  it  all  does  no  good." 

"Christian  Science?  So  you  tried  that,  did 
you?  How  did  it  work?" 

"Let  me  tell  you,"  said  the  suffering  Barney 
with  a  smile  that  might  have  been  mistaken 
for  a  wince.  "You  know  I  went  up  to  der 
Wasser-Cure,  up  dere  in  New  York.  I  had 
plasters  undt  pads  all  ofer  my  pody,  undt 
walked  mit  a  pair  of  grutches.  De  first  even- 
ing I  got  dere,  I  wass  settin'  in  der  parlor 
tryin'  hard  to  keep  from  hollerin'  mit  der  pain, 
undt  a  woman  come  up  to  me— one  of  dese 
here  Gristian  Ziance  women,  you  know,  a 
mighty  purty,  sweet-faced  woman  she  wass, 
too — undt  she  says  to  me,  says  she: 

"  'Vat  iss  der  matter  mit  you,  Mr.  Schmitt?' 
Undt  I  toldt  her  apoudt  my  rheumatism,  undt 
den  she  says : 

"  'Mr.  Schmitt,  dere  iss  nodings  der  matter 
mit  you.  You  only  think  dere  iss.  It  iss  all 
in  your  mindt.  It  issn't  in  your  pody.  Your 

152 


The  Funny  Bone 


pody  can't  feel  noding.  It  iss  your  mindt  vat 
feels.  Your  rheumatism  iss  all  in  your  mindt. 
All  you  have  got  to  do  iss  to  get  your 
mindt  changed,  you  see,  undt  you  vill  be  all 
right. 

"  'Now,  Mr.  Schmitt,  I  tell  you  vat  to  do 
undt  you  vill  soon  be  veil.  Ven  you  go  to  bed 
to-night,  you  make  your  mindt  nice  undt  quiet 
like,  fill  your  heart  full  mit  good  thoughts  of 
peace  undt  joy;  say  a  nice  little  prayer,  undt 
go  to  sleep.  Den,  in  de  morning,  ven  you  get 
avake,  you  compose  your  mindt  mit  peaceful 
thoughts,  you  say  a  nice  little  prayer  to  your- 
self, and  you  yusht  say:  "Mr.  Schmitt!  Dere 
iss  nodings  der  matter  mit  you — you  are  veil 
undt  shtrong !"  Undt  you  jump  out  of  de  bed, 
undt  dere  you  are !'  " 

"All  right.  I  did  all  vat  she  said.  I  vent  to 
bed.  I  said  a  nice  leetle  prayer,  vat  my  mud- 
der  taught  me,  in  der  German  language,  undt 
I  vent  to  sleep. 

"In  der  morning  I  get  awake.  I  haf  very 
peaceful  undt  peautiful  thoughts,  undt  I  say  to 
myself : 

"  'Barney  Schmitt,  you  are  a  tarn  fool.    Dere 

153 


The  Funny  Bone 


iss  nodings  der  matter  mit  you.    You  are  all 
right.' 

"Undt  mit  dot,  I  just  jump  out  in  der  mittle 
of  der  floor,  undt  lit  on  my  pack  mit  a  mighty 
doonder-knock  vat  shook  der  vinders.  I  fell 
all  in  a  heap,  undt  mine  Himmel !  didn't  I  hol- 
ler! Der  bell  poy,  der  hotel  clerk,  der  doctor 
undt  two  nurses  coom  on  der  double  quick,  pick 
me  up  undt  put  me  in  der  bed.  Undt  dere  I 
vas  for  two  weeks,  all  right.  Dat's  vat  I  know 
about  Gristian  Ziance.  Undt  now  here  I  am 
in  Atlantic  City  in  a  rollin'  chair.  Pray  for  me, 
colonel,  for  my  prayers  doesn't  seem  to  do  me 
much  goot !" 

ON  THE  POINT  OF  A  NEEDLE 

The  late  Dr.  Talmage  was  once  in  the  com- 
pany of  some  theological  students.  They  were 
fresh  from  the  study  of  church  history,  and 
were  laughing  over  the  old  question  so  much 
discussed  by  the  schoolmen  in  the  Middle 
Ages,  "How  many  angels  can  stand  on,  or  be 
supported  by,  the  point  of  a  needle?" 

They   put   the   question   to    Dr.    Talmage, 

154 


The  Funny  Bone 


"How  many  angels  can  be  supported  by  the 
point  of  a  needle?"  and  Dr.  Talmage  promptly 
answered,  "Five."  When  they  wanted  to  know 
how  he  knew,  he  told  them  the  following 
story : 

"One  very  stormy  night  I  was  coming  home 
late,  and  noticed  a  light  in  the  window  of  a 
room  where  I  knew  a  poor  woman  lived  whose 
husband  was  lost  at  sea.  I  wondered  what  kept 
her  up  so  late  and  I  thought  I  would  go  and  see. 
I  found  her  hard  at  work  sewing  at  her  lamp, 
while  her  five  rosy  children  were  sound  asleep 
beside  her.  And  that  is  how  I  happen  to  know 
that  five  angels  can  be  supported  by  the  point 
of  a  needle." 


GETTING  A  WIFE 

The  family  had  returned  from  church  one 
Sunday,  and  as  they  had  company  to  dinner, 
and  dinner  was  a  little  later  than  usual,  the 
six-year-old  Robert  was  very  hungry  and  could 
hardly  wait  any  longer.  He  had  been  very 
much  interested  in  the  sermon,  which  was  a 
very  graphic  account  of  the  creation  of  woman. 

155 


The  Funng  Bone 


He  had  listened  wide-eyed  while  the  minister 
told  how  God  had  put  Adam  to  sleep  and  had 
taken  a  rib  out  of  his  side  and  made  it  into  a 
wife  for  the  lonely  man.  But  just  now  he  was 
more  interested  in  the  dinner,  especially  in  its 
conclusion,  mince  pie  and  cakes. 

An  hour  later  he  was  missed  from  the  com- 
pany, and  being  searched  for  was  found  sitting 
in  a  corner  of  another  room,  groaning  softly, 
with  his  hands  pressed  against  his  side  and 
an  air  of  solemn  anxiety  on  his  face. 

"Why,  Robert,  what  in  the  world  is  the  mat- 
ter?" asked  his  mother  in  alarm. 

"Mamma,  dear,"  said  he,  "I'm  afraid  I'm  get- 
ting a  wife." 

THE  SANCTUM 

He  opened  the  door  cautiously,  and  poking 
his  head  in,  in  a  suggestive  sort  of  way,  as  if 
there  might  be  more  to  follow  later  on  pro- 
vided the  way  was  clear,  inquired,  "Is  this  the 
editorial  rinktum?"  "The — what,  my  friend?" 
"Is  this  the  rinktum,  sinktum,  or  some  such 
place,  where  the  editors  live?"  "Yes,  sir. 

156 


The  Funny  Bone 


This  is  the  editorial  room.  Come  right  in." 
"No,  I  guess  I  won't  come  in.  Just  wanted  to 
see  what  a  rinktum  was  like,  that's  all.  Looks 
like  our  garret,  only  wuss.  Good  day!" 

It  is  related  that  two  Presbyterians,  two 
Baptists,  two  Universalists  and  an  active  Jew 
recently  met  and  discussed  theology  together 
without  quarreling  in  Boston.  The  reason 
they  did  not  quarrel  in  Boston  was  because 
they  were  in  New  York. 

Going  home  from  a  party  late  one  night  a 
man  ran  against  the  same  tree  seventeen  times. 
He  then  concluded  that  he  was  lost  in  an  in- 
terminable forest,  and  began  to  call  out,  "A 
lost  man !  A  lost  man !"  But  nobody  respond- 
ing to  his  pitiful  call,  he  made  one  more  effort 
to  escape,  and  had  the  luck  to  run  into  the  next 
tree,  which  chanced  to  be  surrounded  by  iron 
rods  for  its  protection.  He  caught  hold  of  the 
rods  and  felt  them.  He  walked  round  and 
round  the  tree  trying  in  vain  to  find  some 
opening  to  pass  through,  and  at  last  gave  it 

157 


The  Funng  Bone 


up  in  despair,  saying,  "Just  my  luck.     In  the 
lock-up  again." 

A  negro  prayed  that  his  brethren  might  be 
preserved  from  their  "upsettin'  sins."  "Brud- 
der,"  said  one  of  his  friends,  "you  hain't  got  de 
hang  o'  dat  ar  word.  It's  be-settin',  not  up- 
settin'." "Brudder,"  replied  the  other,  "if  dat's 
so,  den  it's  so.  But — I  was  prayin'  de  Lawd 
to  save  us  from  de  sin  o'  'toxication,  for  dar 
dey  jest  set-em-up  fust  and  den  dey  gits  upset, 
an'  if  dat  ain't  an  upsettin'  sin,  I  dunno  what 
am." 

There  are  very  few  men  who  can  handle  a 
red-hot  lamp-chimney  and  at  the  same  time 
say,  "There  is  no  place  like  Home,"  without 
getting — confused. 

That  was  a  truly  human  tombstone  that 
bore  the  inscription,  "I  expected  this,  but  not 
just  yet." 

A  youth  was  heard  to  remark  to  a  jolly,  fat 
158 


The  Funny  Bone 

Teutonian,  "Haven't  I  seen  you  before?  Your 
face  certainly  looks  familiar?"  "Iss  dot  so?" 
answered  Hans.  "An'  ven  you  get  so  oldt  as 
me,  your  face  vill  look  fermiliar,  too." 

A  young  lady  complained  to  her  male  com- 
panion that  she  didn't  like  arithmetic.  She 
couldn't  understand  it,  and  didn't  see  the  use 
of  it.  The  young  man  said  he  would  teach  her. 
"Now,"  said  he,  "I  kiss  you  three  times  on  one 
cheek  and  four  times  on  the  other.  How  many 
does  that  make?" 

"Seven,"  whispered  the  girl,  disengaging 
herself  to  breathe  more  freely. 

"Well,"  said  he,  "that  is  Arithmetic." 

"Dear  me,"  said  she,  "I  did  not  think  it  ever 
could  be  made  such  a  very  pleasant  study." 

ARTEMUS  WARD  AT  THE  THEATRE 

Artemus  Ward  records  that  he  once  went  to 
the  theatre,  "Niblo's  Garding,"  New  York,  to 
hear  Edwin  Forrest  in  Othello.  "I  sot  down 
in  the  Pit,"  says  he,  "took  out  my  spectacles 
&  commenced  peroosin'  the  evenin's  bill. 

159 


The  Funny  Bone 


The  awjince  was  all-fired  large  &  the  Boxes 
was  full  of  the  Elitty  of  New  York.  Several 
opery  glasses  was  leveld  at  me  by  Gothum's 
fairest  darters,  but  I  didn't  let  on  as  tho  I  no- 
ticed it,  tho  mebby  I  did  take  out  my  sixteen- 
dollar  silver  watch  &  brandish  it  round  more 
than  was  necessary.  But,  the  best  of  us  has 
our  weaknesses,  &  if  a  man  has  gewelry,  let 
him  show  it. 

"As  I  was  peroosin'  the  bill,  a  grave  young 
man  who  sot  near  me  axed  me  if  I'd  ever  seen 
Forrest  dance  'The  Essence  of  Old  Virginny? 
He's  immense  in  that,'  said  the  young  man.  'He 
also  does  a  fair  champion  jig,'  the  young  man 
continued,  'but  his  Big  Thing  is  the  Essence  of 
Old  Virginny.' 

"Sez  I — 'Fair  youth,  do  you  know  what  I'd 
do  with  you,  if  you  was  my  sun?' 

"  'No,'  sez  he. 

"  'Wall,'  sez  I,  'if  you  was  my  sun,  I'd  ap- 
pint  your  funeral  for  to-morrow  arternoon,  at 
two  o'clock — and  the  Korps  would  be  reddy. 
You're  too  smart  to  live  on  this  here  yearth.' 
That  youth  didn't  try  any  more  of  his  dog- 
gone capers  on  me." 

160 


The  Funny  Bone 


"Teacher,"  said  a  boy  in  a  New  York  City 
school,  "my  sister's  got  the  measles."  "Well, 
then,  my  boy,  you  go  home  and  you  stay 
home  till  your  sister  has  entirely  got  over 
them."  After  the  boy  was  gone,  another  boy 
raised  his  hand  and  said,  "Teacher,  that  boy's 
sister  what's  got  the  measles  lives  in  Omaha !" 

SHE  CAME  TO  HIS  AID 

The  late  Horace  Leland,  who  for  many  years 
kept  the  Leland  Hotel  at  Springfield,  111.,  was 
an  exceedingly  generous  man  and  an  especial 
lover  of  children.  One  day  he  and  Judge  A.  C. 
Matthews,  then  Speaker  of  the  Illinois  House 
of  Representatives,  and  afterward  the  First 
Controller  of  the  Treasury,  were  walking  out 
together  when  they  met  a  man  with  a  cluster 
of  toy  balloons.  School  was  just  out  and  hun- 
dreds of  boys  and  girls  came  pouring  from  a 
building  near  at  hand  and  formed  in  groups 
around  the  balloon  man. 

"Hold  on,  Ace,"  said  Mr.  Leland,  "there's  a 
joyous  sight,"  and  the  two  stopped  and 
watched  the  children  gaze  longingly  at  the  bal- 
loons. 

161 


The  Funny  Bone 


"I  can  make  some  of  them  happy,  anyway," 
said  Mr.  Leland,  and  he  asked  the  man  the 
price  of  the  balloons. 

"Fi'  cent  apiece." 

"How  much  for  the  lot?"  asked  the  philan- 
thropist. 

The  man  counted  them  over.  There  were 
twenty-one. 

"One  dol'  for  de  lot." 

Mr.  Leland  took  them  all  and  distributed 
them  among  the  children  with  as  much  fair- 
ness as  possible,  and  away  the  little  codgers 
ran  with  them. 

Then  Mr.  Leland  put  his  hand  in  his  pocket 
and  said: 

"By  George,  Ace,  I  ain't  got  a  cent.  Lend 
me  a  dollar." 

"Oh,  no,"  said  Judge  Matthews,  seriously; 
"you  can't  play  philanthropist  at  my  expense. 
Not  much." 

"Well,  my  man,"  said  Mr.  Leland,  "I  guess 
you'll  have  to  call  at  my  hotel  for  your 
money." 

"No,  sir,"  said  the  man,  "you  give  me  my 
money  or  you  give  me  back  my  balloons." 
162 


The  Funny  Bone 


"But  don't  you  see  I  can  do  neither?  Come 
to  the  Leland  House  and  ask  for  Mr.  Leland, 
and  I  will  pay  you." 

"No,  sir,"  persisted  the  man,  "you  pay  me 
my  money  or  give  me  back  my  balloons.  I  baf 
seen  dat  hotel  trick  before." 

"Come,  Ace,"  said  Mr.  Leland,  from  the 
depth  of  his  troubled  soul,  "give  me  a  dollar." 

"Not  a  cent,"  said  the  Judge.  "I  wouldn't 
trust  you  with  a  dime." 

"See,"  said  the  man,  "your  own  friend  no 
will  trust  you.  You  give  me  my  money  or  I 
will  call  de  policeman." 

Just  then  there  happened  along  an  old  beg- 
gar woman  who  had  lived  upon  the  bounty  of 
the  good  people  of  Springfield  for  many  a  year. 
She  stopped  and  heard  enough  of  the  conversa- 
tion to  know  what  it  was  about. 

"Hould  on,  Misther  Layland,"  said  she,  "if 
yer  foine  frind  there  won't  lave  ye  the  loan  av 
a  dollar,  begorra  O'im  the  frind  that  will,"  and 
as  she  lectured  Judge  Matthews  for  the  "stingi- 
est ould  thing  out  o'  jail,"  she  unrolled  the 
money  from  a  dirty  rag  and  gave  it  to  the 
philanthropist. 

163 


The  Funny  Bone 

Judge  Matthews  says  he  never  tried  to  play 
just  that  kind  of  a  joke  on  Horace  Leland 
again. 

A  COSTLY  DODGE 

The  town  of  M in  Pennsylvania  had  just 

elected  a  new  Justice  of  the  Peace.  He  was,  of 
course,  a  Pennsylvania  German,  and  the  first 
cause  that  came  before  him  for  adjudication 
was  a  peculiar  one.  A  man  had  attempted  to 
shoot  another  man  in  the  street  of  the  business 
part  of  the  town,  but  the  man  that  was  shot  at 
dodged,  and  the  bullet  smashed  a  plate-glass 
window  in  a  store.  The  owner  of  the  store 
sued  the  man  with  the  gun  for  damages,  but 
the  Justice,  after  hearing  the  evidence,  decided 
that  the  man  that  was  shot  at  and  dodged  the 
bullet  must  pay,  "because,"  said  he,  "don't  you 
see,  if  that  man  hadn't  dodged,  the  window 
wouldn't  have  been  broken." 

COULDN'T  HELP  CRYING 

Two   Irishmen  who  had  just  landed  were 
eating  their  dinner  in  a  hotel,  when  Pat  spied 
164 


The  Funny  Bone 


a  bottle  of  horseradish.  Not  knowing  what 
it  was  he  took  a  mouthful,  which  brought  tears 
to  his  eyes. 

Mike,  seeing  Pat  crying,  exclaimed,  "Phat 
be  ye  cryin'  fer?" 

Pat,  wishing  to  have  Mike  sample  the  hot- 
stuff  also,  replied,  "Oim  cryin'  fer  me  poor 
ould  mither  who's  dead  away  over  in  ould  Ire- 
land." 

By  and  by  Mike  took  some  of  the  radish,  and 
immediately  tears  filled  his  eyes.  "An'  phat  be 
you  cryin'  fer,  now?"  queried  Pat.  "Ach,"  says 
Mike,  "I'm  cryin'  because  you  didn't  die  at  the 
same  time  your  ould  mither  did  in  ould  Ire- 
land." 

A  KNIGHT  ERRANT 

He  was  a  very  decided  English  type,  and  as 
he  stopped  an  Irishman  and  asked  for  a  light 
he  volunteered  to  say : 

"Excuse  me,  my  man,  for  stopping  you  as  an 
entire  stranger.  But  at  home  I'm  a  person  of 

some  importance.  I'm  Sir  James  B , 

Knight  of  the  Garter,  Knight  of  the  Double 
Eagle,  Knight  of  the  Golden  Fleece,  Knight  of 


The  Funng  Bone 


the  Iron  Cross.    And  your  name  is — what,  my 
man?" 

"My  name,"  was  the  ready  reply,  "is  Michael 
Murphy.  Night  before  last,  last  night,  to- 
night an'  every  night,  Michael  Murphy." 

THACKERAY  AND  THE  OYSTER 

When  Thackeray,  the  great  English  novel- 
ist, visited  this  country,  his  literary  friends  in 
Boston  gave  a  banquet  in  his  honor.  The  com- 
mittee of  arrangements,  learning  that  Mr. 
Thackeray  had  made  some  comments  on  the 
general  tendency  of  Americans  to  magnify 
things,  thought  they  would  give  their  distin- 
guished guest  a  demonstration  of  the  great- 
ness of  the  American  oyster,  at  least,  the  more 
so  as  the  oyster  does  not  attain  a  great  size  in 
the  British  Isles.  They  accordingly  ransacked 
the  market  for  the  very  largest  bivalves  that 
could  be  found,  and  a  half  dozen  of  these  were 
placed  at  Thackeray's  plate.  The  gentleman 
next  to  him  apologized  for  the  small  size  of  the 
oysters,  but  Thackeray  looked  at  them  in 
amazement,  and  asked,  "What  am  I  to  do  with 
166 


The  Funng  Bone 


them?"  "Swallow  them,  of  course,"  was  the 
answer.  "Well,"  said  he,  taking  a  huge  one 
on  his  fork,  "here  goes."  He  gave  a  gulp  and 
down  it  went.  "How  do  you  feel  on  it?"  asked 
his  friend.  "Feel?"  said  he— "I  feel  as  if  I  had 
swallowed  a  baby !" 

A  FAST  TRAIN 

Three  men  were  talking  in  rather  a  large 
way  of  the  excellent  train-service  each  had  in 
his  special  locality.  One  was  from  the  West, 
one  from  New  England  and  one  from  New 
York.  The  former  two  men  had  told  their 
tales,  and  it  was  New  York's  turn. 

"Now  in  New  York,"  said  he,  "we  not  only 
run  trains  fast,  but  we  start  them  fast,  too, 
very  fast.  I  recall  the  case  of  a  friend  of  mine 
whose  wife  went  to  the  station  at  Jersey  City 
to  see  him  off  for  the  West.  As  the  train  was 
about  to  start,  my  friend  said  his  final  good- 
by  to  his  wife  and  leaned  down  from  the  car- 
platform  to  kiss  her.  The  train  started,  and 
started  with  such  a  rush  that,  would  you  be- 
lieve it,  my  friend  found  himself  kissing  a 
strange  woman  on  the  platform  at  Trenton!" 
167 


The  Funng  Bone 


At  a  dinner  one  day  some  gentlemen  were 
discussing  the  merits  of  different  species  of 
game.  One  preferred  canvasback  duck,  an- 
other woodcock,  another  quail.  The  dinner 
and  the  discussion  ended,  one  of  the  men  said 
to  the  waiter,  who  was  a  good  listener,  "Well, 
Frank,  what  kind  of  game  do  you  like  best?" 

"Well,  gemmen,  to  tell  you  de  trufe,"  said 
he,  "  'mos  any  kind  o*  game  '11  suit  me,  but 
what  I  likes  best  is  an  American  Eagle  served 
on  a  silvah  dollah !" 

A  SLOW  COACH 

In  the  early  days  of  railroading  in  this 
country,  an  elderly  gentleman  was  asked  by 
the  conductor  for  his  ticket.  The  train  had 
stopped  at  every  little  station,  town  and  hamlet 
on  the  way,  and  was  two  hours  late.  "Your 
ticket,  please,"  said  the  conductor.  The  man 
fumbled  a  great  while  in  his  vest  pocket  and 
finally  presented  a  half-fare  cardboard. 

"Come,"  said  the  conductor,  "this  won't  do, 
not  for  a  man  with  hair  as  gray  as  yours,  any 
way — this  is  a  child's  ticket." 

"Well,"  responded  the  weary  traveller,  "I 

1 68 


The  Fuizng  Bone 


was  a  child  when  this  train  started,  and  I  guess 
I'll  be  as  old  as  Methusaleh  by  the  time  it  gets 
me  to  where  I  want  to  go." 


GO  TO  FATHER 

A  schoolboy  one  day  picked  up  a  piece  of 
poetry  at  school  and  carried  it  home  and  gave 
it  to  his  grandmother  to  read.  When  she  had 
read  it  she  said : 

"Kit,  you  ought  never  repeat  that,  because 
that  is  just  the  same  as  telling  people  to  go  to 
the  bad  place."    The  poetry  was  as  follows: 
"When  I  asked  my  girl  to  marry  me,  she  said, 

'Go  to  father.' 

She  knew  that  I  knew  her  father  was  dead; 
She  knew  that  I  knew  what  a  life  he  had  led ; 
She  knew  that  I  knew  what  she  meant  when 
she  said, 

'Go  to  father.' " 


The  chaplain  of  a  large  private  asylum  asked 

a  brother  clergyman  to  preach  to  the  inmates 

on  a  Sunday  during  his  absence.    Before  going 

away,  he  said :  "Preach  your  best,  for,  though 

169 


The  Funny  Bone 

insane  on  some  points,  they  are  very  intelli- 
gent." So  he  talked  to  them  of  India,  and  of 
heathen  mothers  who  threw  their  dear  little 
babies  into  the  sacred  river  Ganges  as  offerings 
to  their  false  gods.  Tears  streamed  down  the 
face  of  one  listener,  evidently  deeply  affected. 
When  asked  by  the  preacher  afterward  what 
part  of  the  sermon  had  touched  his  heart  with 
grief,  the  lunatic  replied:  "I  was  thinking  it 
was  a  pity  your  mother  didn't  throw  you  into 
the  Ganges." 


INTERESTING  EPITAPHS 

The  poet  of  the  Pine  Tree  State  is  said  to 
have  shown  decided  poetic  proclivities  from 
his  earliest  days.  When  a  boy  of  eight  or  nine, 
he  had  two  kittens  which  he  had  named  Myrtle 
and  Ann  Eliza.  Myrtle  died.  He  buried  her 
in  the  orchard  and  planted  a  shingle  headstone 
on  the  grave,  on  which  his  smiling  parents 
read: 

"Here  Myrtle  lies- 
Gone   to   fertilize." 

In  a  short  time  Ann  Eliza  passed  from  this 
170 


The  Funng  Bone 


earthly  scene  of  caterwauling,  and  was  buried 
beside  Myrtle,  with  a  shingle  headstone  duly 
erected  and  inscribed.  His  parents,  wondering 
what  would  be  the  epitaph,  were  delighted  to 
read: 

"Here  lies  Ann  Eliza — 
More  fertilizer." 


SHE  SPOILED  THE  POETRY 

Two  lovers  were  taking  a  walk  along  a 
country  road.  The  day  was  fine,  the  sun  was 
shining  and  a  good  breeze  was  blowing  across 
the  hills  and  fields.  The  young  man  was  of 
an  idealistic  temperament  and  of  good  poetic 
taste,  but  the  young  lady  was  quite  matter-of- 
fact  and  altogether  practical,  their  differing 
dispositions  being  illustrated  by  their  conver- 
sation by  the  way.  They  had  paused  in  their 
walk  and  sat  down  to  rest  a  while  under  the 
outspreading  branches  of  an  apple-tree  laden 
with  green  fruit. 

"Ah,  my  dear,"  said  he  as  he  looked  around, 
"how  grand  and  glorious  all  this  is — the  bright 
day,  the  glorious  sunlight,  the  wind  blowing 
171 


The  Funng  Bone 


fresh  and  full,  and  the  limbs  of  this  grand  old 
tree  moaning  a  sweet  and  tuneful  melody  in 

response  to  it  all " 

"Yes,"  interrupted  she,  "I  guess  you'd  be 
groaning,  too,  if  you  were  as  full  of  green 
apples  as  that  old  apple-tree  is!" 

HIS  PART   IN  THE  PLAY 

A  man  who  had  been  playing  the  part  of 
the  Lamb  in  the  Great  Wall  Street  Theatre, 
was  complaining  that  he  had  invested  a  large 
sum  of  money  in  that  institution  and  had  lost 
every  cent  of  it.  A  sympathizing  friend  asked 
him  whether  he  had  been  a  Bull  or  a  Bear,  and 
the  Lamb  replied,  "Neither.  I  was  a  Jackass !" 

A    CLERICAL    CORKSCREW 

The  minister  was  a  very  genial  man  and  a 
very  witty  man.  He  had  great  difficulty  in 
getting  his  salary  promptly.  Of  late  it  was 
much  in  arrears,  and  he  did  not  know  what  to 
do.  One  day  he  entered  the  hardware  store 
kept  by  his  leading  deacon,  and  asked  to  look 
172 


The  Funng  Bone 


at  corkscrews.  He  looked  over  the  assortment 
very  carefully,  saying  that  he  wanted  quite  a 
large  one,  one  that  was  very  strong,  too.  And 
when  the  deacon  asked  him  what  he  wanted 
with  a  corkscrew,  the  minister  replied,  "I  want 
it  to  draw  my  salary  with."  He  got  it 

A  negro  exhorter  shouted  to  his  audience, 
"Come  up  an'  jine  de  army  ob  de  Lord!" 

"I'se  done  jined,"  replied  one  woman. 

"Whar'd  yo'  jine?"  asked  the  exhorter. 

"In  de  Baptis'  Church." 

"Why,  chile,"  said  the  exhorter,  "yo'  ain't  in 
de  army  ob  de  Lord;  yo's  in  de  navy." 

THE  CHIEF   END    OF   MAN 

When  Dr.  Theodore  L.  Cuyler  once  put  the 
question,  "What  is  the  chief  end  of  man?"  to 
a  gathering  of  Sunday-school  scholars,  he  re- 
ceived for  an  answer,  "To  glorify  God  and 
annoy  Him  forever."  Another  minister  relates 
that  he  once  asked  this  famous  question  of  a 
very  much  neglected  boy,  "What  is  the  chief 
end  of  man?"  and  the  boy  promptly  replied, 
"Why,  I  guess  the  end  that  has  the  hat  on !" 

173 


The  Funng  Bone 


AFTERNOON    TEAS 

Dr.  Oliver  Wendell  Holmes  was  once  invited 
by  a  lady  friend  to  a  social  afternoon  tea.  The 
hostess  had  invited  and  had  present  the  cream 
of  her  acquaintance  and  expected  some  expres- 
sion of  admiration  from  the  great  man.  As  he 
was  taking  his  leave,  the  lady  said  to  him, 
"Well,  Doctor,  what  is  your  opinion  of  an 
afternoon  tea?"  And  the  witty  but  cruel  man 
replied,  "My  dear  friend,  it  is  all  giggle — 
gabble — gobble — and  git !" 


UNANIMOUS    ACTION 

Davies  Herkimer,  the  noted  political  econo- 
mist, said  of  modern  politics  in  an  address  on 
reform  that  he  recently  delivered: 

"Modern  politics  are  entirely  too  tricky.  The 
average  candidate  when  he  enters  the  political 
struggle  lets  plain  dealing  go  by  the  board. 
What,  then,  is  the  result?  The  result  is  some- 
thing altogether  worthless,  something  that  re- 
minds me  of  a  Western  clergyman. 

"This  clergyman  was  very  fond  of  cider.  His 

174 


The  Funng  Bone 


congregation,  meeting  secretly  last  autumn,  de- 
cided that  it  would  surprise  him  with  a  hogs- 
head of  the  beverage  he  loved  and  arranged  to 
hold  a  surprise  party  at  the  manse,  each  guest 
to  bring  a  demijohn  of  cider  and  to  empty  it 
into  a  huge  hogshead  in  the  garden.  The  party 
duly  came  off.  The  guests  brought  their  demi- 
johns, emptied  them  into  the  hogshead  and 
feasted  afterward  in  the  manse  on  apples,  nuts 
and  gingerbread. 

"At  the  height  of  the  feasting  the  clergy- 
man host  was  told  of  the  full  hogshead  that 
stood  without  the  door,  and,  overjoyed,  the 
good  man  said  to  his  servant: 

"  'Jane,  take  a  pitcher,  fill  it  at  the  hogshead, 
and  bring  it  in  that  we  may  sample  it.' 

"The  maid  withdrew  into  the  darkness  and 
soon  returned  with  a  pitcher  brimming  with — 
clear  water! 

"Each  tricky  guest  had  filled  his  demijohn 
at  the  pump,  thinking  that  amid  so  much  cider 
his  aqueous  contribution  would  escape  un- 
noticed. But  this  trickery,  like  the  trickery  of 
modern  politics,  had  been  a  little  too  unani- 
mous." 

175 


The  Funny  Bone 


A    DIFFERENCE    WITHOUT    A    DIS- 
TINCTION 

It  was  a  Pennsylvania  German  farmer's  wife 
who  having  baked  a  large  number  of  very  fine 
pies,  some  mince  and  some  apple,  marked  the 
crust  of  each  with  two  letters — T.  M.  Being 
asked  by  a  neighbor  what  these  letters  stood 
for,  she  said: 

"Vy,  T.  M.  on  this  pie  means  "Tis  mince,' 
and  on  that  pie  it  means  '  Tain't  mince." 


THE   SHY    BOARDER 

If  landladies  served  flying-fish, 

I  believe,  by  jing, 
That  every  time  they  passed  the  dish 

I'd  get  a  wing. 


A  KNIGHTLY  CONUNDRUM 

Query — A  Knight  to  Jerusalem  did  repair: 

And  had  the  colic,  when?  and  where? 
Answer — In  the  middle  of  the  Knight. 

176 


The  Funny  Bone 


A  SHREWD  SELECTION 

A  lawyer  advertised  for  a  clerk.  The  next 
morning  the  office  was  crowded  with  appli- 
cants— all  bright  and  many  suitable.  He  bade 
them  wait  until  all  should  arrive  and  then  ar- 
ranged them  all  in  a  row  and  said  he  would  tell 
them  a  story,  note  their  comments  and  judge 
from  that  whom  he  would  choose. 

"A  certain  farmer,"  began  the  lawyer,  "was 
troubled  with  a  red  squirrel  that  got  in  through 
a  hole  in  his  barn  and  stole  his  seed  corn.  He 
resolved  to  kill  the  squirrel  at  the  first  oppor- 
tunity. Seeing  him  go  in  at  the  hole  one  noon 
he  took  his  shotgun  and  fired  away.  The  first 
shot  set  the  barn  on  fire." 

"Did  the  barn  burn?"  said  one  of  the  boys. 

The  lawyer,  without  answer,  continued: 

"And  seeing  the  barn  on  fire  the  farmer 
seized  a  pail  of  water  and  ran  to  put  it  out." 

"Did  he  put  it  out?"  said  another. 

"As  he  passed  inside  the  door  shut  to  and 
the  barn  was  soon  in  flames.  When  the  hired 
girl  rushed  out  with  more  water " 

"Did  they  all  burn  up?"  said  another  boy. 
177 


The  Funny  Bone 


The  lawyer  went  on  without  answer :  "Then 
the  old  lady  came  out,  and  all  was  noise  and 
confusion  and  everybody  was  trying  to  put  out 
the  fire." 

"Did  any  one  burn  up?"  said  another. 

The  lawyer  said:  "There,  that  will  do;  you 
have  all  shown  great  interest  in  the  story." 

But  observing  one  little  bright-eyed  fellow 
in  deep  silence,  he  said:  "Now,  my  little  man, 
what  have  you  to  say?" 

The  little  fellow  blushed,  grew  uneasy  and 
stammered  out:  "I  want  to  know  what  be- 
came of  that  squirrel;  that's  what  I  want  to 
know." 

"You'll  do,"  said  the  lawyer;  "you  are  my 
man ;  you  have  not  been  switched  off  by  a  con- 
fusion and  barn  burning,  and  the  hired  girls 
and  water  pails.  You  have  kept  your  eye  on 
the  squirrel." 

A  GOOD  EAR 

"Charley,"  remarked  Jones,  "you  were  born 
to  be  a  writer."    "Ha !"  replied  Charley,  flush- 
ing at  the  compliment,  "you  have  seen  some 
of  the  things  I  have  turned  off?"    "No,"  said 
178 


The  Funng  Bone 


Jones,  "I  wasn't  referring  to  what  you  have 
written.  I  was  simply  thinking  what  a  splen- 
did ear  you  have  for  carrying  a  pen.  Immense, 
Charley,  simply  immense!" 

When  some  one  was  complaining  of  insom- 
nia, an  Irishman  recommended  a  sure  cure  for 
it.  "Go  to  bed,"  said  he,  "an'  schlape  it  off!" 


Said  an  Englishman  to  an  American  tourist, 
as  he  drew  out  of  his  pocket  an  old  English 
silver  coin,  "Do  you  see  the  image  on  that 
coin?  That's  the  picture  of  the  old  English 
king  that  made  my  great  grandfather  a  Duke." 

"Pooh!"  said  the  Yankee.  "That's  nothin'. 
Here,  do  you  see  this  United  States  coin?  We 
call  it  a  cent.  And  you  will  observe  the  pic- 
ture of  an  Indian  on  the  cent.  Well,  sir,  that's 
the  picture  of  the  Indian  that  made  my  grand- 
father an  Angel!" 

THE  RIGHT-OF-WAY 

In  driving  out  into  the  country  on  a  by-road 
a  few  days  ago,  a  lawyer  encountered  a  horse 
and  buggy  driven  by  a  woman.    As  she  was 
179 


The  F\mny  Bone 


driving  on  the  wrong  side  of  the  road,  he  made 
up  his  mind  not  to  give  up  his  rights.  As  a 
consequence,  the  two  horses  finally  came  to  a 
standstill,  with  their  noses  rubbing  each  other. 
The  lawyer  stared  at  the  woman  and  the 
woman  stared  back.  Then  he  pulled  a  news- 
paper from  his  pocket,  and  began  reading.  In 
a  minute,  she  had  her  knitting  out  and  was  in- 
dustriously at  work.  Ten  long  minutes  in  a 
broiling  sun  passed  away,  and  the  lawyer 
looked  up  and  asked:  "How  long  are  you  go- 
ing to  stay  here?"  "How  long  are  you?"  "All 
day."  "And  I'll  stay  here  a  whole  week."  He 
read  and  she  knit  for  about  ten  minutes,  and 
then  the  lawyer  cried  out :  "Do  you  know  that 
I'm  a  lawyer?"  "I  don't  care  for  that,"  she  re- 
plied ;  "I'm  the  wife  of  a  Justice  of  the  Peace." 
"Oh — ah— excuse  me,  madam.  Really,  but  if 
I'd  known  you  belonged  to  the  purfesh,  this 
would  not  have  happened.  Take  this  side, 
madam,  take  the  whole  road!" 

THE  DEACON  BALKED 

Deacon  Broadbent,  an  honest  and  pious  man, 
was  conducting  a  Christmas  revival  with  great 
1 80 


The  Fvmng  Bone 


success.  In  a  word,  his  powerful  exhortations 
had  brought  Calhoun  White,  the  town's  worst 
sinner,  weeping  to  the  mourner's  bench. 

The  deacon,  gratified  by  this  proof  of  his 
evangelical  prowess,  hastened  to  Calhoun's 
side. 

"Deacon,"  sobbed  Calhoun,  "  'tain't  no  use 
in  mah  comin'  up.  I'se  sinned  away  de  day  o' 
grace." 

"No,  you  hain't,  brudder  Cal,"  said  the  dea- 
con. "All  yo'  got  to  do  is  to  gib  up  sin  an'  all 
will  be  forgibben." 

"I'se  done  gib  it  up,  deacon,  but  dar  hain't 
no  salvation  fo'  me." 

"Yes,  dey  is,  honey.  Dey  hain't  no  sin  so 
black  but  it  kin  be  washed  whiter'n  de  snow." 

"But  I  don  stole  fo'  young  turkeys  last 
week,"  said  the  penitent. 

"Dat's  all  forgibben,  Cal." 

"An'  free  de  week  befo'." 

"Dat's  forgibben,  too." 

"An'  six  fat  Christmas  geese " 

" six  fat  Christmas  geese  outer  yore  own 

yard,  deacon — dem  fat  geese  wot  yo'  'lowed  to 
set  so  much  store  by." 
181 


The  Funng  Bone 


"Wot's  dat  yo'  say?"  the  deacon  hissed  furi- 
ously. 

"It  wuz  me  wot  stole  yo'  Christmas  geese, 
sah." 

"I  reckon,  Calhoun,"  he  said  slowly,  "I 
reckon  I'se  spoke  too  hasty.  Dis  case  o'  yourn 
needs  advisement  I  ain't  sho'  dat  we's  justi- 
fied in  clutterin'  up  de  Kingdom  o'  Heben  wid 
chicken  thieves." 


PROTECTING  THE  MINISTER 

One  day  a  village  parson  was  summoned  in 
haste  by  Mrs.  Johnson,  who  had  been  taken 
seriously  ill.  He  went  in  some  wonder  at  the 
summons,  because  the  woman  was  not  of  his 
parish,  and  was  known  to  be  devoted  to  her 
own  minister,  the  Rev.  Mr.  Hopkins. 

While  he  was  waiting  in  the  parlor  before 
seeing  the  sick  woman,  he  passed  the  time 
talking  with  her  daughter. 

"I  am  very  pleased  your  mother  thought  of 
me  in  her  illness,"  he  said.  "Is  Mr.  Hopkins 
away?" 

"Oh,  dear  no,"  she  replied,  "but  we  are 

182 


The  Funng  Bone 


afraid  mother  has  something  contagious,  like 
small-pox,  and  we  couldn't  think  of  letting  dear 
Mr.  Hopkins  run  any  risk!" 

"If  yu  trade  horses  with  a  jockey,  you  kan't 
git  cheated  but  once.  But — if  yu  trade  with 
a  deakon  yu  may  git  cheated  twice— once  in 
the  horse,  and  once  in  the  deakon"  .  .  .  "Go 
in  when  it  rains." 

Josh  ^Billings 

"Now,  my  man,"  said  the  minister  to  the 
happy  bridegroom  after  the  marriage  cere- 
mony, "you  have  come  to  the  end  of  all  your 
troubles."  The  man  came  back  to  the  minister 
a  week  later  and  said:  "You  told  me  I  had 
come  to  the  end  of  all  my  troubles  when  I  got 
married,  and  I  find  they  are  just  beginning." 
"Ah,  my  dear  brother,"  was  the  response,  "all 
troubles  have  two  ends,  and  I  didn't  say  which 
end,  did  I?" 

WALLA  WALLA! 

It  is  related  that  once  upon  a  time  the  Presi- 
dent paid  an  important  visit  to  an  Indian  res- 

183 


The  Funny  Bone 


ervation  in  the  Far  and  Distant  West.  In 
honor  of  the  great  occasion  the  great  chiefs  of 
the  tribe  were  all  gathered  together,  arrayed 
in  their  best  bib  and  tucker,  all  war-paint 
and  feathers,  and  sat  cross-legged  in  a  great 
circle  listening  to  the  words  of  wisdom  from 
the  Great  Father. 

"Noble  Red  Men  of  the  Forest,"  began  the 
President,  "Primeval  and  Original  Proprietors 
of  the  Soil  of  the  Land  of  the  Free  and  the 
Home  of  the  Brave!  I  am  delighted  to  see 
you!" 

And  all  the  Indians  round  the  circle  ex- 
claimed: "Walla  Walla!"  This  evidently  being 
Indian  for  "Hear!  Hear!" 

"You  have  indeed  been  greatly  wronged," 
continued  the  speaker,  "and  I  take  your  wrongs 
to  my  own  heart,  and  I  shall  take  immediate 
measures  for  their  redress,  and  shall  demand 
that  hereafter  justice  shall  be  done  to  the  noble 
Red  Men,  the  Original  Proprietors  of  the  Free 
Soil  of  America." 

And  the  Indians  again  shouted  approval, 
"Walla  Walla!" 

"Aye,"   he   continued,    "on   my   return   to 

184 


The  Funny  Bone 


Washington  I  shall  personally  see  to  it  that 
your  wrongs  are  righted,  and  shall  direct  that 
the  Indian  Appropriation  be  greatly  increased, 
so  that  you  may  spend  your  lives  in  comfort 
and  plenty." 

Again  in  deep  and  guttural  tones  the  Indians 
applauded,  "Walla  Walla!" 

After  it  was  all  over,  the  President  ex- 
pressed his  delight  at  the  hearty  interest  and 
evident  appreciation  of  his  warlike  auditors, 
being  particularly  impressed  with  the  fact  that 
they  had  so  well  understood  his  remarks,  as 
was  sufficiently  manifest  by  the  fact  that  they 
applauded  every  time  just  at  the  right  place. 
And  then  the  Interpreter  asked  him  whether 
he  knew  what  Walla  Walla  meant?  And  he 
not  knowing  the  meaning  thereof,  the  cruel  In- 
terpreter disillusioned  him  by  telling  him  that 
Walla  Walla  was  Indian  for  "Hot  Air!" 

THE  WICKED  PARROT 

A  gentleman  who  spent  part  of  a  summer 
recently  in  England  relates  an  incident  which 
very  sadly  disturbed  the  religious  peace  of  a 
parish  in  Penzance. 

185 


The  Funng  Bone 


A  gentleman,  his  wife  and  his  mother-in- 
law  lived  together.  They  had  a  parrot.  And 
the  parrot  had  somehow  and  somewhere — they 
could  not  imagine  how  or  where — picked  up 
the  very  disagreeable  habit  of  remarking  at 
frequent  intervals: 

"Wisht  the  old  woman  were  dead.  Wisht 
the  old  woman  were  dead."  This  annoyed  the 
good  people  of  the  house  very  much,  and  they 
at  last  ventured  to  speak  to  the  curate  about  it. 

"I  think  we  can  rectify  the  matter,"  replied 
the  good  man.  "I  also  have  a  parrot,  and  he  is 
a  very  righteous  bird,  having  been  brought  up 
in  the  way  he  should  go.  I  will  lend  you  my 
parrot,  and  I  trust  his  good  influence  will  soon 
reform  that  depraved  bird  of  yours." 

The  curate's  parrot  was  placed  in  the  same 
room  with  the  wicked  one,  and  as  soon  as  the 
two  had  become  accustomed  to  each  other,  the 
bad  bird  remarked: 

"Wisht  the  old  woman  were  dead." 

Whereupon  the  clergyman's  bird  rolled  up 
his  eyes,  and  in  solemn  accents  responded: 

"We  beseech  Thee  to  hear  us,  good  Lord." 

The  story  got  out  in  the  parish,  and  for  sev- 
186 


The  Funng  Bone 


eral  Sundays  it  was  thought  expedient  to  omit 
the  Litany  at  the  church  services. 

DOING  THE  DONS 

Dr.  Jowett  was  a  warm  friend  of  University 
extension.  When  the  question  came  up  at  Ox- 
ford of  entertaining  the  students  during  the 
summer,  he  found  the  Dons  very  much  op- 
posed to  giving  up  even  temporarily  their 
quarters,  claiming  their  vested  rights  even  in 
vacation.  The  Master,  however,  controlled  the 
buttery,  and  also  the  chapel  exercises.  He  ac- 
cordingly cut  down  the  commissariat  and 
lengthened  out  the  prayers,  until  the  Dons 
yielded  and  quietly  moved  out.  As  a  party  of 
them,  portmanteaus  in  hand,  were  walking  to 
the  railway  station  one  day,  he  chuckled  to  a 
friend,  "This  kind  goeth  not  out  but  by  prayer 
and  fasting." 

EXEUNT  OMNES 

Barnum,  the  great  showman,  once  upon  a 
time  lit  upon  a  very  happy  expedient  to  get  a 
great  company  of  people  to  move  on.     They 
187 


The  Funnu  Bone 


were  packed  together  in  the  great  tent,  and 
every  one  of  them  was  anxious  to  see  all  that 
was  to  be  seen,  and  determined  not  to  miss 
anything.  It  was  necessary  to  clear  the  room, 
but  the  crowd  couldn't  be  shoved  and  wouldn't 
go  out.  At  the  direction  of  the  great  showman 
a  man  appeared  with  a  brush  and  a  kettle  of 
red  paint.  He  painted  just  one  word,  in  big 
letters,  on  a  door  leading  out  into  a  side  street. 
The  word  was  EGRESS.  "Come  on,"  said 
the  crowd,  "let's  go  in  and  see  The  Egress." 
They  went  in,  and  they  went  out,  and  they 
saw 

THE  EGRESS 


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